Typing with a full set is harder than it sounds

I’ll just cut to the chase on this one: I’m currently stuck between 2 guys. Both are very casual. One is here in Chicago with me, and the other is the guy that I started seeing the last couple of months that I was in my college town and he is not in Chicago with me. I expected both just to be casual, and I figured that since I’m single why not just play the field right now? I once heard someone say that if you are not exclusive with anyone, then you should date around. Because the reality is, if you have not had the “exclusive” talk with someone, then you are probably not the only person that they are seeing. (At least this has been my experience.) Anyways, I decided that for once I was going to play it by this approach because I always only see one person at a time when we are not exclusive and end up getting my feelings hurt. And for once, guess what happened. Both guys are starting to act like they don’t want to keep it so casual.

I’m an extremely low key person, so I’m pretty confident that neither guy thinks that I am seeing someone besides them. This makes me feel guilty as hell. Still, I keep telling myself that until they initiate the conversation, that what I’m doing is not wrong. But aside from that, I’m caught in the dilemma of if I were to have that conversation with them, which one would I choose? Guy 1 has been in my life for about 2 years now and I just thought that if it hadn’t happened yet, then it was never going to happen. But as of lately, he’s been acting very smitten towards me and our relationship has become less about hooking up and more about establishing an actual relationship with one another. He’s hurt me quite a few times and has a reputation for being a playboy. I’ve dated guys like this before and I know that it usually never leads to a positive outcome, but there is so much passion between us that it’s still hard to let go. Intense fights lead to great hookups and the two of us telling each other how much we care for each other. He’s the choice that my heart wants. However, guy 2, is the guy that my head knows that I need. He is sweet, patient, caring. We get along very well and he makes me laugh. I’m happy when I’m with him, but we are long distance, so that’s not very often. I know that overall, I could be happy with him. But the passion is not there. If we I get angry, he listens and we talk it out. There is no intense fight followed by the most passionate kiss I’ve never had in my life. My relationship with him is rational and stable. Guy 1 is anything but.

As I’m writing this, I know that to someone on the outside, the obvious choice is guy 2. He’s a great guy and if I don’t want to get hurt, then he is no doubt what I need. But what is love without passion?

Facebook creeping never leads to anything positive.

I’m at that awkward age where a good amount of my friends have graduated and the other half either haven’t yet or aren’t going to. Strangely enough, it seems as though most of the ones who have graduated all have their shit together and are on their way to leading successful happy lives in big cities with high paying jobs. I would love to be on my way to that, but as of right now, I feel like I’m on my way to the opposite. I’ve always struggled with feeling as though I’m not good enough and with comparing myself to others, but I really don’t know how I’m not expected to do that now. This whole thing about not knowing what I’m doing next year and if I’m going to live up to the expectations of myself and of those around me, has really been weighing on my shoulders hard lately. But to be 100% honest, it just hit me harder than it ever has and the reason why makes me cringe.

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I had the night off tonight and have been trying to rest since I worked the majority of the weekend and am physically and mentally exhausted right now. I got on Facebook for some reason and came across my love interest (yes, the same one I’ve been crazy about for months) and clicked on his page to look at a picture that I had seen. We’ve been talking a lot more than we had been and he is actually coming down to visit this weekend. He’s finally started to settle into his job and has made new friends that all seem to have too much money and bad habits, so I’ve been a little worried about him lately. But I’ll address that in more detail later. Anyways, I am on his page and click on his best friend from colleges’ page who I felt like I knew decently well, considering the fact that I was always at their apartment last year. This guy has his shit completely together. He works for a big company, makes bank, and is currently working overseas doing so. A few more clicks and I find out that as of recently, he has a new girlfriend, who is equally successful and absolutely beautiful. When I saw that, something in me snapped. Maybe because I was scared that his friend, whom I am quite fond of to say the least, compares me to his best friend’s girlfriend. I’m younger than they are, but still I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And to be honest, they all have their shit together so much that I look insanely immature and dumb next to them. In case you can’t tell, I’ve been panicking ever since, and can’t help but think, “is this how everyone views me?”

I don’t know. As I’m typing this, I realize that it sounds so dumb, but my entire life has been surrounded around the idea that I’d become this hugely successful woman and have such a better life than I did growing up. But now that I’m coming to the end of my college career, I’m freaking out so hard. The bar for what it means to be successful has been set so high by everyone that surrounds me, and I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t meet those standards. I really need to work on getting it together in the next couple of months.

New Years Eve

With everything going on with my family, and with the fact that they are all spread across the globe right now, I’m not really in the Christmas spirit. I’m honestly looking more forward to New Years Eve. I work a double that day (what’s new), but I’ll be with all of my work friends, and they have come to feel like a real family to me in the past couple of months. Anyways, I’ve been trying to plan what we’ll all do after work that night and what sequin covered attire I will wear. And of course since it’s going to be New Year’s Eve, I can’t help but wonder who will be my New Year’s kiss or if I will even have one for that matter.

Anyways, this whole train of thought brought me to reflect on last year’s New Years Eve. My old roommates and I hosted a party at our house in our college town and that night still is one of the most fun nights I’ve ever experienced in college. My midnight kiss that night was from a good friend, and it was more to be funny than anything else. They say that the person that you kiss on New Year’s Eve is who you’ll spend the rest of your year with. (Yes, I know I’m extremely superstitious and cheesy and I romanticize everything) I feel like for me, this actually held true. I spent a lot of 2016 spending my time on the wrong people. So me kissing a friend who I obviously knew wasn’t right for me, was a metaphor for the rest of my year. Here’s my reasoning.

I spent all of 2016 hung up on a guy who moved away and I knew it couldn’t work out blah blah blah you all know this story already. I also spent so much of my time trying to keep old friends around who put in no effort and quite frankly, just weren’t very good friends.

So here’s what I propose. Regardless of who I kiss on New Years Eve, I need to spend 2017 focusing more on myself and figuring out what it is I want to do and where I want to end up. I need to stop trying to please people who treat me as if I don’t matter. I need to stop wasting my time loving people who are unappreciative of the love and care that I give them. I work hard. I try to be positive all of the time. I try to help others as much as I can. I’m not a bad a person. So what is it going to hurt if I’m a little selfish? My goal for 2017 is to love myself so much that it doesn’t matter if someone else does.

Dear High School Me,

It’s one of those nights where I’m spending hours looking through my tagged photos on Facebook from high school instead of sleeping. It’s crazy to really look back and see how much has changed since then. Looking back through all of those pictures made me realize how much I wished I could go back and tell myself all of the things that I needed to hear at the time. If I had the chance, here’s what I would say.

The first thing that I would say is: hold on to these girls. Times will be tough and you will grow apart, but do not let them go. Time and time again they will prove to be the people who know you best. At the end of the day, they are the ones who are still going to know you better than anyone else even when you’re in college and you’ve barely been in contact for the past 2 years. They are the definition of what best friends should be. Love them with all of your heart and always always always appreciate them. They’ve stuck by you for everything. Don’t forget that.

The second thing that I would tell my high school self is don’t lose sight of what’s really important. When I was young, I took my family for granted constantly. I thought that they would always be there and that at that time, spending time with my friends was more important because I suffered from serious FOMO. But I should have been worried more about my family. Fast forward 5 years later and my dad has passed away. Most of my relationships are strained, distant, or just not the same.

Next, I would write her an entire novel about relationship advice. I came across this photo tonight on Facebook of me and my first serious boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in at least 3-4 years and only hear about bits and pieces of his current life every now and then through mutual friends.  Thinking back, I was truly happy with him for the first year or so of our relationship. Looking at the picture of us below, I think that that is pretty evident. He made me happy and he was the first guy that I ever had strong feelings for. But if I could go back now, I would tell myself to just enjoy my time with him. To not take our relationship to seriously and to let go of my insecurities. I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I shouldn’t spend my time picking at him for things that he should fix. Rather, I would focus more on what I needed to work on. He did the best he could for me. And instead of asking for more, I should have appreciated it. Because relationships aren’t about grand gestures and everyone else thinking you’re “goals.” They’re about the feeling that you get when you get to see them after a long day at work. They’re about how nice it feels to spend days doing nothing with them and enjoying little things like taking drives in the summer with the windows rolled down. If I could talk to myself right after we broke up, I would tell myself to just let go. I am young. I have so much more life ahead of me and though it may feel like the end of the world now, I have so much more to learn before I can fully love someone. He was everything that I thought that I needed at the time, but he was not “it.” And neither were any of the other guys who I would fall for in the next 5 years. If one ends, don’t let it end you. There will always be other guys and that’s that. One day you will look at someone the way you’re looking at your ex boyfriend from high school in this picture, but it won’t be at your locker in between 3rd and 4th period. It will be every morning when you wake up next to him and your heart will be full and your worries will fade as you trace his lips with your fingertips. And I’m not talking about a husband, you might have 3 or 4 of these kinds guys in your life. Men come and  go and so do your feelings for them. But don’t let it rule you.

 

Another thing that I would say to my high school self is to just enjoy the moment that you are living in. As awful and as pessimistic as it sounds, no matter how bad it seems, it will get so much worse. You’ll be 22 in college: completely on your own, living from paycheck to paycheck, you’ll lose family members that you thought you couldn’t live without, people will change in ways that you didn’t think possible, you’ll hate yourself at multiple points, and you’ll grow apart from life long friends. The high school drama and the fact that your mom won’t buy you the prom dress that you want will become laughable compared to the other dilemmas that you will face. But right now, you’re young and it’s okay to be carefree and make dumb mistakes. So do it as much as you possibly can while you still can.

One last thing that I would tell my high school self is that you are a beautiful and intelligent young woman. You have so much more potential to grow and you will become stronger than you even think is possible. Don’t worry about what other people think. And for the last time, YOU ARE NOT FAT. You have a beautiful body and you will look back 5 years from now and laugh at how stupid you were to think that you looked so bad. I’d also tell myself to be easier on my mom, because she has it harder than I think. And not just to be easier on her, but to be easier on everyone who messes up. I’m not perfect, so don’t expect others to be. Just slow down and take a deep breath. Stop worrying about things that don’t matter and about things that you cannot change. Don’t take things for granted, but also don’t take them too seriously. Live in the moment, but if it’s not going how you want it to, remember that it won’t be this way forever. Enjoy the people and the places that make up your life today, because they might not be there or the same tomorrow. It’s okay to mess up so long as you learn from your mistakes. This is your life, so do what you want when you want. And always always always enjoy the little moments, because they are the ones that you will cherish most. 

cheesy

I’m a firm believer that if a person keeps being brought back into your life, then it’s for a reason.

For example, the time when I first met the guy who I am crazy about now at a bar. I forgot to get his number and saw him again the following weekend but I then saw him a week later at the library, but didn’t talk to him. About a week later I saw him again all the way across campus and ended up getting his number. After that, I never ran into him on campus ever again even though I went to all of the same places. I kept in contact with him, but it’s as if we were running into each other repeatedly because of fate. It kept happening until I got his number and didn’t lose it, so that we could see each other again.

Or the time last year when I randomly took an Italian class last minute to fill up a gap in my schedule and met a girl named Sierra who I talked to maybe once. Fast forward to the following summer and we somehow got hired for the same job at the same time and now she’s one of my best friends.

I don’t know maybe I’m just being dramatic or am a little tipsy off of wine and stretching things, but my point it, is something or someone keeps reoccurring in your life, then there’s probably a reason for it. Don’t ignore it. The universe is trying to tell you something. Take notice to the things that happen around you and give in to them. Because usually it leads to positive things.

things i hate ft. past tense verbs

As of lately, when I talk to you, you talk a lot in the past tense. It’s all “you were,” “you did,”we were,” “it was.” And to put it plainly, I hate it.

We barely speak anymore and when we do it’s just small talk. I know you’ve moved on and I’m forcing myself to be okay with it by trying to do the same. But I still can’t completely erase you from my life. A Taylor Swift (ugh, I hate that I am referencing her but) lyric that explains how I feel about you perfectly is, “you’re like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore.” A white dress is symbolic of me and the wine stain is you. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing. I’ve tried everything that I can to get it off of my dress, but it won’t come out. It’s still there. It gets a little fainter over time, but it won’t completely go away. In a sense, the stain is loud; it completely takes over the dress and it’s all you notice when you look at it. You don’t notice the lace detailing or the satin fabric; you just see the stain. Standing out like a sore thumb. In the same way, you have completely taken over me. You’re what I spend the majority of my time thinking about and I can’t get the thoughts to stop. No matter what I do to try to remedy my need for you, I can’t get it to go away. I started seeing other people, I started going out and partying more, I took up more shifts at work to keep myself busy. But you’re always still there.

So when you say things like, “you were,” or “you did,” it just confirms to me that you’ve got the stain out that I left on you. I don’t linger in your thoughts as much anymore. You found something to take it away and you only think about it sometimes.

I never wanted to just be your past tense. I wanted to be part of your past, your present, and your future. I should have spilled more wine on you.

all the things i wish you could hear me say

I knew this was coming for awhile now. It would have been foolish of me to think otherwise. We’re both young and you’re successful and live in a booming city. Obviously you were going to move on at some point. It seems like you’ve already started to, meanwhile I’m still where I was at 6 months ago, wishing you were officially mine. I know that you’ll be back. Whether it be next week or 7 months from now. You’ll call me up like we never stopped talking and tell me that you’re coming to visit. Usually, I’d answer and I’d be happy as ever that you had come back for me. I’d romanticize with the idea that it must be meant to be, because no matter how many times you tried to find love elsewhere, you always ended up coming back for mine.  But this time will be different. I won’t be on the other line, gleefully telling you how happy I am to hear from you. I’ll be somewhere between over you and getting over you. Depending on how long it will have been, maybe I’ll even be moved on and happy by that point. Maybe that phone call will be the last bit of closure that I need to let go. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I won’t be giving in next time you come back.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn while growing up is that even if you deeply care about someone, it’s not guaranteed to be mutual. I can’t think of many feelings worse than a love that is not fully reciprocated. That’s why I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait for you. I need to be happy on my own, whether it be with or without you. And it looks like it’s going to have to be without you this time. I know you don’t expect me to move on. And maybe that’s why you are trying to do so yourself. Because you know that you can and you think that I’ll still be here, waiting. Whatever the reason, I hope that you too find happiness. If that’s not with me, then that’s fine. Life has a funny way of working out. So I’m going to put my trust in the fact that maybe it’s just not meant to be. No matter how real it feels when we’re together. I’m putting trust in the fact that if you’re not the one, then there’s someone even better for me out there.

One big ugh

I hate the idea of the person that I want to be with being with someone else. It scares me more than anything to think that it’s possible for another girl to make him happier than I can. We already discussed our feelings for each other and we both agreed that now isn’t the right time for us to be together. It’s unreasonable and it just wouldn’t work with the distance, time change, and conflicting schedules. I know all of this and I agreed to it, so why does it hurt so bad to know he is seeing other people. It sounds so selfish. But I really can’t help it. Even if we go days without talking, it’s not long before he calls or texts and checks in with me. It’s like he can’t stop coming back. And I’m the same way. If I’m with someone else, he’s who I’m really thinking about. I know it’s the same for him. But the problem is that I don’t even want to give others the time of day, meanwhile he’s seeing other people all of the time. I’m 100% aware that I’m wasting my time, yet I still can’t bring myself to stop. I’m so over being this way.

I had a cup of coffee and now I’m inspired

This is the motto that I’m trying so hard to follow right now. Like I said in my last post, I’m trying to focus on myself and my own happiness right now. I’m trying to become a better person. To have more experiences that will help me to grow. I’m trying to find a new job for after college, so that I can be successful and live how I want. I’m trying to be healthier and to be a better friend. I’m just trying to be happy. And I’m trying to accomplish this without needing anyone besides myself. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I wasn’t good enough and chasing others in an attempt to get them to stay in my life. But my self confidence has gotten a million times better and I’m finally starting to realize that I don’t need to chase anyone. I deserve someone who is going to put in work for me. So hopefully is I keep working on myself, I’ll attract the right people and I’ll find happiness.

What do you do when you know it’s the right person, but not the right time?

I haven’t been writing at all lately because I’ve been so caught up in my everyday life. I found out about two weeks ago that the guy I’m crazy about was coming back to our college town to visit and I pretty much zoned out after that and it was my only focus. He came down for the first tailgate of the year. I got the weekend off of work and he bounced between staying with me and staying with his friends that he hadn’t seen much since he graduated. I spent the entire two weeks leading up to him coming obsessing over getting to spend time with him. I was so happy all weekend with him. Now that he went back to his hometown, I really can’t explain how I feel. I’m so glad that I got to see him, but I feel so uneasy at the same time because I have no idea when the next time that I see him will be. Our schedules are so conflicting and our lives are so different right now that it’s so hard to even plan ahead. Not only that, but the fact that we aren’t putting a label on our relationship makes it even more frustrating because being 200 miles away from him for weeks at a time drives me crazy when I don’t know what he’s doing. I don’t mean that in a jealous or possessive way at all. I just let my imagination run wild sometimes and make up all these scenarios in my head that could be happening. I’m trying so hard to do my own thing while he’s away since we aren’t exclusive. But I don’t want to. I just want him. Even though I know that even if we did try right now it wouldn’t work. It’s unreasonable, but when we’re together I feel better than I ever have before. I can truly say that I can imagine myself waking up next to him in a little apartment when we’re thirty and still wanting no one else beside him. It’s the type of feeling that I don’t think comes around very often and that’s why I’m having so much trouble letting it go. For as much as we keep in contact, I know that it’s more for him too. I am just doing my best to make all of the best decisions for myself right now. I’m trying so hard to put myself first and to better myself in my everyday life. I want to be successful and grow as a person before anything serious happens between us. Hopefully if I keep working on myself and my own happiness without him, everything will eventually fall into place. My fingers are crossed.