As of lately, when I talk to you, you talk a lot in the past tense. It’s all “you were,” “you did,”we were,” “it was.” And to put it plainly, I hate it.
We barely speak anymore and when we do it’s just small talk. I know you’ve moved on and I’m forcing myself to be okay with it by trying to do the same. But I still can’t completely erase you from my life. A Taylor Swift (ugh, I hate that I am referencing her but) lyric that explains how I feel about you perfectly is, “you’re like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore.” A white dress is symbolic of me and the wine stain is you. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing. I’ve tried everything that I can to get it off of my dress, but it won’t come out. It’s still there. It gets a little fainter over time, but it won’t completely go away. In a sense, the stain is loud; it completely takes over the dress and it’s all you notice when you look at it. You don’t notice the lace detailing or the satin fabric; you just see the stain. Standing out like a sore thumb. In the same way, you have completely taken over me. You’re what I spend the majority of my time thinking about and I can’t get the thoughts to stop. No matter what I do to try to remedy my need for you, I can’t get it to go away. I started seeing other people, I started going out and partying more, I took up more shifts at work to keep myself busy. But you’re always still there.
So when you say things like, “you were,” or “you did,” it just confirms to me that you’ve got the stain out that I left on you. I don’t linger in your thoughts as much anymore. You found something to take it away and you only think about it sometimes.
I never wanted to just be your past tense. I wanted to be part of your past, your present, and your future. I should have spilled more wine on you.
If you asked someone who knows me to describe me, one of the first things that they would say is that I’m a nice person. Yes, this is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it’s almost to the point that it’s a flaw. I don’t always stand up for myself, I tend to let people walk all over me, and I often have trouble saying no to people.
As you all know, lately I’ve been trying to find happiness and my place in the world, and I’ve come to find that it’s extremely hard to do this while being too nice. Sometimes you just have to say no. You have to put someone in their place when they treat you wrong. You have to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, people aren’t going to respect you. They’re going to use you. They’re going to take and take and take as long as you continue to give.
I’m not sure what came over me, but this week something in me snapped. It was probably just a build up of different events where others have taken advantage of my kindness and mistaken it for weakness. A mixture of not being appreciated for all that I do at my job, not being taken seriously by friends, not getting back what I put in to my love life, my family also not taking me seriously. Whatever it was, I hit my breaking point and I am finally starting to realize that I deserve more than what I’m getting out of people. I’ve always had somewhat low self esteem and settle for less. But I am done with that. I’m done with settling. I want what’s best for myself. I want to be happy and I want what I deserve. It’s time for me to start saying no to the things that I don’t want to do. Time to cut the people out of my life that don’t treat me right. Time to stop bending over backwards for people who put little effort into our relationship.
Self respect is a beautiful thing. I’m so happy that I’m finally realizing that I deserve it.