right person, wrong time type of thing

 

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve slept by myself. My most recent “bae” has been staying over pretty consistently all summer. But that’s all about to change.

We both just graduated and are moving 500 miles away from each other. The worst part of it all is that if we weren’t moving away from each other, then I know that we could have made it work. I have real feelings for him and I know that they are reciprocal; this is something that rarely happens with me because I have a bad habit of only going for men who are emotionally unavailable or playboys. We’re both going through so many changes right now, and I think a long distance relationship would only put more stress on our lives. It’s one of those right person, wrong time situations. Where the person is absolutely great, but the timing is awful and there are so many reasons why it can’t work right now. Knowing that and even accepting it still doesn’t make it any easier. If anything, I think that it makes it worse, because you know that if the timing was right then you could probably end up loving that person.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Last year I started seeing someone who was graduating a year before me and was moving in to a different time zone 6 months after we had met. I went in to it knowing that and still couldn’t help but fall for him. He is the guy, who up until recently, I talked about in my posts. We still keep in touch but not as much as we used to, and I finally moved on. Only it was to someone who I also cannot be with. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I can’t tell if I’m just a masochist who enjoys suffering in the fact of knowing that I can never make things work with someone that I care about or if I’m doing it to protect myself. Sometimes, I feel as though I subconsciously start to catch feelings for people who I know that I can’t make it work with, so that I don’t have to A) commit to a real relationship because all of my past ones have ended so horribly & B) so that I don’t have to risk being hurt if it does turn in to a real relationship.

The ironic part of all of this, is that if I am doing it to protect myself, I still end up getting hurt. The only difference is that I’m choosing the way that it ends. I start relationships with people who are leaving because I know that when they leave will be the end. Even if we still keep in touch, it won’t be the same because I refuse to do long distance. Whereas, if I started talking to someone who was in the same city as me for good, who knows what could happen. They could meet someone else, cheat on me, get bored of me.

***Side note: As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that this is probably the reason why I keep doing this to myself. This is why I love writing. Because it helps me talk out what I’m thinking when my thoughts are jumbled, take a step back and analyze what it is that I’m feeling or thinking.***

I need to overcome this insecurity that everyone I have feelings for is going to end up hurting me, or else I’m never going to be able to have a stable healthy relationship. The problem is, I don’t know how to do that. It’s so hard sometimes to let go of those negative thoughts. Anyways, more updates on this situation to come, but for now I’m headed to bed :).

 

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What do you do when you know it’s the right person, but not the right time?

I haven’t been writing at all lately because I’ve been so caught up in my everyday life. I found out about two weeks ago that the guy I’m crazy about was coming back to our college town to visit and I pretty much zoned out after that and it was my only focus. He came down for the first tailgate of the year. IĀ got the weekend off of work and he bounced between staying with me and staying with his friends that he hadn’t seen much since he graduated. I spent the entire two weeks leading up to him coming obsessing over getting to spend time with him. I was so happy all weekend with him. Now that he went back to his hometown, I really can’t explain how I feel. I’m so glad that I got to see him, but I feel so uneasy at the same time because I have no idea when the next time that I see him will be. Our schedules are so conflicting and our lives are so different right now that it’s so hard to even plan ahead. Not only that, but the fact that we aren’t putting a label on our relationship makes it even more frustrating because being 200 miles away from him for weeks at a time drives me crazy when I don’t know what he’s doing. I don’t mean that in a jealous or possessive way at all. I just let my imagination run wild sometimes and make up all these scenarios in my head that could be happening. I’m trying so hard to do my own thing while he’s away since we aren’t exclusive. But I don’t want to. I just want him. Even though I know that even if we did try right now it wouldn’t work. It’s unreasonable, but when we’re together I feel better than I ever have before. I can truly say that I can imagine myself waking up next to him in a little apartment when we’re thirty and still wanting no one else beside him. It’s the type of feeling that I don’t think comes around very often and that’s why I’m having so much trouble letting it go. For as much as we keep in contact, I know that it’s more for him too. I am just doing my best to make all of the best decisions for myself right now. I’m trying so hard to put myself first and to better myself in my everyday life. I want to be successful and grow as a person before anything serious happens between us. Hopefully if I keep working on myself and my own happiness without him, everything will eventually fall into place. My fingers are crossed.