I had a cup of coffee and now I’m inspired

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This is the motto that I’m trying so hard to follow right now. Like I said in my last post, I’m trying to focus on myself and my own happiness right now. I’m trying to become a better person. To have more experiences that will help me to grow. I’m trying to find a new job for after college, so that I can be successful and live how I want. I’m trying to be healthier and to be a better friend. I’m just trying to be happy. And I’m trying to accomplish this without needing anyone besides myself. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I wasn’t good enough and chasing others in an attempt to get them to stay in my life. But my self confidence has gotten a million times better and I’m finally starting to realize that I don’t need to chase anyone. I deserve someone who is going to put in work for me. So hopefully is I keep working on myself, I’ll attract the right people and I’ll find happiness.

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Inspired.

I have never considered myself to be wealthy or to come from a wealthy background. When I was younger, things were a lot easier for my family. We never had extra things, but dinner was always on the table and if there was anything that me or my siblings needed, my parents took care of it. If they struggled with money before I was around 14 or 15 years old, then they did a good job of hiding it. When I started high school, my father started to get very ill and his business began to fall under and there were little things that made me start to realize that things were starting to change around my house; empty stockings at Christmas, my mother no longer holding holiday parties, less and less trips to the grocery store, no more family outings, not being able to go anywhere besides school because my parents couldn’t afford gas when the prices started to rise, my brother paying for my prom dress because my parents couldn’t, etc. Even though things weren’t as easy as they had been before, I still wouldn’t have ever said that my life was bad. We got by. It wasn’t easy, but my dad always found a way to make it work.

After my father passed away and his business went under, my mom got a job opportunity out of pure luck that actually started to make our lives somewhat financially okay again.I moved off to college at the same time and my mom and brother fell into expensive habits with prescription drugs. I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until the damage was done, my mom had lost her job. Talking to her began to feel like talking to a brick wall; she was emotionless, didn’t care, didn’t listen, and it was completely pointless. In the past two years since, I’ve had no outside help financially or emotionally with my life. I went from having a big, supportive family, to essentially having no one. There are a lot of other factors that went into the situation, but if I told the story in full, wordpress would probably crash because the post would be so long.

All of the things that have happened to me thus far in life have led me to this point. Broke, alone, and essentially on my own. I’m a full time student and currently have two jobs and I’m attempting to take on a third. I’m not really sure what I’m doing. But I don’t regret the hardships. I am trying my best to embrace them and to learn from them. I now know this is never how I want my life to be. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want to be successful. I don’t want to go back to my hometown after college. I want to move to a new city and start a new leaf. Even if it’s hard, it can’t be much worse than what I’ve already been through. Sitting alone on my couch most nights, eating a can of peas that expired a year ago for dinner, brainstorming how I’m going to make rent, even though I’m working two jobs and that’s still not enough.

This isn’t a sob story. I’m writing this post so that I can look back one day when I’m in my downtown apartment with high ceilings and windows for walls and be humbled. I never want to forget where I came from. I want to always remember that I came from struggle so that I can appreciate my life even more when I get out of this rut one day. The future excites me. I know that life isn’t all sunshine now, and it never will be, not even when my paychecks are a number that I can only dream about now. But it will be worth it.

Better things ahead

My summer is half way over and I have done a lot of self reflecting lately. For all of May and half of June, I was pretty ill. I am just now starting to feel like myself again and I am seriously making moves to better myself. I’ve finally found a job that I think I am going to love. I’m rethinking my major, which although it is an extremely stressful thing to do especially so late into my college career, it is a giant relief┬áto know that I’m doing what I can to make sure that I find the right career path for myself so that I don’t end up with a 9 to 5 office job that I end up hating. I’ve also started to run again and I can’t wait for my body to get back into shape. I’ve also decided to stop putting in effort with people that don’t give me any in return and to appreciate the ones who do more. I’m also taking focus away from guys and relationships and focusing on myself more. I’ve always had goals and aspirations, but actually putting them into perspective and making moves to achieve them is so exciting. I can’t wait to see where my life is headed in this next year. The past year has been tough, but overall, I can’t complain. If nothing else, it’s taught me to appreciate the good when I actually have it. It will make my future all the more worth while.

Views from where I want to be

 

I honestly have no idea where it stemmed from, but I have an obsession with apartments and hotel rooms with views like this. After I graduate college and start my career, I have no idea where I’ll end up. I just know that I do not want to go back to Indy. I want to be emerged in a city, preferably a big one, where I don’t know many people and will have the opportunity to create a new name for myself. A clean start. When it comes to where, I’m keeping an open mind and am just seeing where life takes me. However, there is one requirement that I want for my future life. As weird as it may sound, I want to end up in an apartment with huge windows and a nice view like one of these overlooking a city. I know that I won’t be able to afford it right away, but it’s a big goal that I intend to accomplish at least by the time I’m 25 or 26. I want to wake up in the morning and be greeted by sunlight coming through my window overlooking a huge buzzing city. I want to look out and see hundreds of people going about their lives and be high up enough for no one to even be able to acknowledge me. The idea of being in a huge city, but also being able to overlook everything from a distance while being on my own. There’s just something about the thought of it that I love.