One year ago from today was one of the biggest turning points of my life. It was the night that I first started to develop feelings for the guy that consumes most of my thoughts and takes up all of the pages of my journal & WordPress. It was one of the best nights that we spent together. That night, I went to bed with you, happy as could be. I felt content. Full. Like nothing was missing and everything was going to be okay.
Exactly one year later, I went home after a movie with my coworkers, alone. And for the first time since you left in May, I also went to bed content. Not feeling completely full, but almost there. I went to bed knowing that my life isn’t perfect right now, but it’s getting better and it’s going to all be okay. I’m finally okay with the fact that you stopped reaching out. I’m okay with the fact that it’s not going to work out.
I’m still not 100% over you, but I’ve come farther in the past month than I have in the past 5. You no longer are on my mind 24/7. I’ve started putting myself first. I’ve slept with someone else for the first time in over a year. I went on a date with someone else. I’m trying to move on. As much as I miss you sometimes, I am finally accepting that you’re not right for me. Maybe you could have been at one point, but looking back now with a clearer mind, I realize that you aren’t in this moment.
My biggest problem was that I wanted so desperately for you to be right for me. I romanticized you and I tried to force it. From the first night that I had met you, I knew you would be leaving in May. I knew that if this turned into something you would have to leave in 5 months. I knew that it was all temporary. But I thought that if I didn’t let go that you wouldn’t be able to either. But that’s not how life works. Just because you deeply care about someone, doesn’t always mean it will be mutual. Mutual feelings aren’t something that are ever guaranteed. I have always struggled with that, but with you, I think that I finally learned my lesson.
I know I just talked about this in another post recently, but I firmly believe that when you start to rid your life of all negativity and move on from things that have been holding you back, the universe will not only present you with better opportunities, but will also test you with things and people from your past.
Even though I am struggling a bit with moving on from a past lover, I am trying harder than I have thus far. I’m finally putting myself first. Because of this, I feel like the universe is rewarding me by bringing new and beautiful people into my life. However, it is testing me by bringing people from my past back into my life to see if I will fall back into my old ways. So far, I have stayed strong. I don’t just believe that this is just a coincidence that everyone is coming back, because it’s not just one person. It’s well over 10. People that I haven’t talked to in years are texting me within hours of each other. How could this just be a coincidence when it happens multiple times in a row? Anyways, like I was saying, since I haven’t been giving in, better opportunities have been coming my way; with work, with friends, with family, with everything. I’ve felt better about myself and my body than I have in years. Work is finally starting to get better, and I actually feel a lot more financially stable. Not only my actual job, but the jewelry making business that me and a close friend started is finally beginning to take off. My family issues seem to be settling down. I’ve met new guys who I see as having potential for being in my life long term. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than it has been. For that, I am thankful.
If you asked someone who knows me to describe me, one of the first things that they would say is that I’m a nice person. Yes, this is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it’s almost to the point that it’s a flaw. I don’t always stand up for myself, I tend to let people walk all over me, and I often have trouble saying no to people.
As you all know, lately I’ve been trying to find happiness and my place in the world, and I’ve come to find that it’s extremely hard to do this while being too nice. Sometimes you just have to say no. You have to put someone in their place when they treat you wrong. You have to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, people aren’t going to respect you. They’re going to use you. They’re going to take and take and take as long as you continue to give.
I’m not sure what came over me, but this week something in me snapped. It was probably just a build up of different events where others have taken advantage of my kindness and mistaken it for weakness. A mixture of not being appreciated for all that I do at my job, not being taken seriously by friends, not getting back what I put in to my love life, my family also not taking me seriously. Whatever it was, I hit my breaking point and I am finally starting to realize that I deserve more than what I’m getting out of people. I’ve always had somewhat low self esteem and settle for less. But I am done with that. I’m done with settling. I want what’s best for myself. I want to be happy and I want what I deserve. It’s time for me to start saying no to the things that I don’t want to do. Time to cut the people out of my life that don’t treat me right. Time to stop bending over backwards for people who put little effort into our relationship.
Self respect is a beautiful thing. I’m so happy that I’m finally realizing that I deserve it.
I always have a hard time trying to imagine myself and where I’m at in life in the future, because I’m a very spontaneous person and I tend to just go with the flow. But for some reason, lately I can’t get the image of myself living in Chicago a few years down the road out of my head. I can imagine myself hopping off the train after a day at work and meeting a friend in the city for some coffee or a bubble tea. I imagine myself wearing blazers and heels and with shorter hair; more mature. I imagine myself having new friends whether I met them on a night out or at work. I see myself stopping at a food stand downtown to get a bite to eat while shopping on michicagn avenue. I picture Monday mornings on the busy street trying to hale a taxi so I’m not late for work and summer days in big floppy hats that are spent on north avenue beach. I picture myself with a guy that I met while living in the city and he opens doors for me and knows my coffee order by heart. I’m not sure how reasonable it all is at this point in my life, but I know it’s what I want. I was just saying that I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in my life right now, but maybe this is it. My overall goal is just to be happy. But I think this one might be 2nd. Even if just parts of it come true, I’ll be happy. I’ve never felt like I belonged where I grew up. As much as I love my college town, sometimes I still feel like I don’t belong here either. But there’s something about Chicago that I’ve always loved. Even though most of it is foreign to me, it doesn’t always feel that way. I truly feel like I could live there and be happy.
Goal #1 is to be happy. And #2 is to find somewhere that I feel I truly belong.
I knew this was coming for awhile now. It would have been foolish of me to think otherwise. We’re both young and you’re successful and live in a booming city. Obviously you were going to move on at some point. It seems like you’ve already started to, meanwhile I’m still where I was at 6 months ago, wishing you were officially mine. I know that you’ll be back. Whether it be next week or 7 months from now. You’ll call me up like we never stopped talking and tell me that you’re coming to visit. Usually, I’d answer and I’d be happy as ever that you had come back for me. I’d romanticize with the idea that it must be meant to be, because no matter how many times you tried to find love elsewhere, you always ended up coming back for mine. But this time will be different. I won’t be on the other line, gleefully telling you how happy I am to hear from you. I’ll be somewhere between over you and getting over you. Depending on how long it will have been, maybe I’ll even be moved on and happy by that point. Maybe that phone call will be the last bit of closure that I need to let go. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I won’t be giving in next time you come back.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn while growing up is that even if you deeply care about someone, it’s not guaranteed to be mutual. I can’t think of many feelings worse than a love that is not fully reciprocated. That’s why I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait for you. I need to be happy on my own, whether it be with or without you. And it looks like it’s going to have to be without you this time. I know you don’t expect me to move on. And maybe that’s why you are trying to do so yourself. Because you know that you can and you think that I’ll still be here, waiting. Whatever the reason, I hope that you too find happiness. If that’s not with me, then that’s fine. Life has a funny way of working out. So I’m going to put my trust in the fact that maybe it’s just not meant to be. No matter how real it feels when we’re together. I’m putting trust in the fact that if you’re not the one, then there’s someone even better for me out there.