It’s one of those Sundays where the only thing that I want to do is lay in bed, light some candles, make a huge cup of tea, and watch movies all day. It’s also one of those days where I’m trying really hard to be positive, but my anxiety is taking over and the only thing that I can think of is things that I wish I wouldn’t have said/done in the past. One of those days when I feel constantly worried, but I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is that I’m worried about. It’s one of those days when writing is the only way that I feel like expressing myself because I don’t have to physically speak to anyone and sometimes that’s nice.
Before you read this, I just want to say I don’t really know where I’m going with it. It’s just kind of a rant, so bear with me.
It’s one of those days where I woke up in a good mood, but everyone is mad at me. And for the dumbest reasons. For example, my sister is mad I didn’t call her back soon enough; my friend is mad I didn’t text her back; and my roommate is mad that I went out last night even though she couldn’t. The cause of most of these problems were caused by how awful I am with my phone. Sometimes I just zone everything out and don’t reply to texts for days. It’s not that I’m purposely ignoring someone or trying to be rude, I just would rather live my life without my eyes being glued to my phone screen. I thought that was a good thing, but people get really mad at me for it. But this isn’t a rant about how dependent the world is on technology, it’s about a realization that I had upon finding out that everyone is shitty with me today.
I don’t care. I don’t care that anyone is mad at me. I don’t care that I didn’t text anyone back. I don’t care that my roommate (who is also my best friend) is being extremely petty and immature. I’ve been so sad for the past couple months or so. I’ve been going through a kind of breakup (we didn’t date officially so I don’t know if I can use the term breakup), I’ve been dealing with a lot of family issues, and I’ve also “broken up” with a few of my friends. But I’m finally starting to feel okay. Now that I am starting to feel like myself again, I’m done dealing with negativity. None of these things will even matter in another week so why waste my energy worrying about them now?
What’s changed you may ask? Well i’m still not over the guy I ended things with, but I’m getting there. I think I’m almost okay with being just friends, because we’ve both made it clear that we still want each other in our lives. And even if it didn’t work out how I wanted it to, I found my first love and that’s beautiful. As far as my family goes, things are getting better but overall, I’ve learned to let go of what I can’t change. I’ve also realized that I can’t fix everyone else’s problems and constantly worrying about it isn’t going to do anything either. When it comes to the friends I’ve lost, I mean it sucks but people grow apart and that’s life. I’ve made a lot of new ones lately at work so maybe that’s why I’m more okay with it now too.
I want to be happy again and I’ve come to realize that in order to get there, I need to be a little selfish. I need to put my own needs first and love myself entirely before I can love anyone else. If that means ignoring a text for a couple hours because I’m more interested in what I’m doing at that moment, then I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’ve always thought that being selfish was an awful thing to be, but sometimes it’s just necessary. I’m just sick of putting others first when they don’t think twice about me before doing something.
I’m a firm believer that if a person keeps being brought back into your life, then it’s for a reason.
For example, the time when I first met the guy who I am crazy about now at a bar. I forgot to get his number and saw him again the following weekend but I then saw him a week later at the library, but didn’t talk to him. About a week later I saw him again all the way across campus and ended up getting his number. After that, I never ran into him on campus ever again even though I went to all of the same places. I kept in contact with him, but it’s as if we were running into each other repeatedly because of fate. It kept happening until I got his number and didn’t lose it, so that we could see each other again.
Or the time last year when I randomly took an Italian class last minute to fill up a gap in my schedule and met a girl named Sierra who I talked to maybe once. Fast forward to the following summer and we somehow got hired for the same job at the same time and now she’s one of my best friends.
I don’t know maybe I’m just being dramatic or am a little tipsy off of wine and stretching things, but my point it, is something or someone keeps reoccurring in your life, then there’s probably a reason for it. Don’t ignore it. The universe is trying to tell you something. Take notice to the things that happen around you and give in to them. Because usually it leads to positive things.
I saw a quote the other day that said something along the lines of, “the older we get, the more and more our Christmas list becomes a list of things that money can’t buy.”
How true is this though? When I think of what I want in my life right now, what I really want, it’s not a new dress or jewelry or a new cell phone. It’s to be content with my life. To have my loved ones happy, financially stable, and safe. It’s for my older brother to get back on his feet and for my mom to stop trying to make everyone else happy and to focus on herself. It’s to be financially stable enough to be okay on my own without help from anyone else. It’s to find a guy who doesn’t have commitment issues or that isn’t emotionally unavailable and to be loved. To have someone to come home to and be able to tell everything to. It’s my relationships to be restored with old friends that I haven’t talked to much in the past year. It’s to go at least one day without feeling overcome by my anxiety and constant need to please others. It’s to be able to have one last conversation with my dad, and to ask for his advice one more time.
Maybe I’m just being dramatic, but it personally feel like there’s a direct correlation between getting older and life becoming harder. What I would do to be the age again where my Christmas list was just toys.
It breaks my heart to see people’s lives affected negatively by drugs again and again. It seems like almost everyday I hear something about how a friend or a friend of a friend is taking some type of prescription drug that they’re not prescribed. Having come from a family where addiction runs deep, I know just how dangerous prescription drugs are and how giving into them every now and then can end up leading to a life long struggle. I go to a Big Ten college that has a student population of over 45,000. It’s a predominantly wealthy school and drugs are everywhere. The party scene here is huge and so is the demand for drugs. Everyone I know is constantly surrounded by them so it’s no wonder that so many people here do them. But whether you’re at a college surrounded by rich kids who love to get messed up or out in the real world working a 9 to 5 job, prescription drugs are everywhere and insanely easy to get a hold of. The real tragedy about them is how addicting they are and how they completely change the personality of the person on them. I’ve watched people lose everything from their family to their teeth just from prescription drugs. They completely change a person. I really can’t stress that enough.
I’m frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that college students are supposed to pick a major and make a decision that will affect your entire life quite heavily, yet, your early twenties is one of the most constantly changing times in your life. It’s the time that you figure out just who you really are and what you want. Most people don’t know by their mid twenties so how in the hell am I supposed to make a decision at 19 about what my career will be? About what I will wake up every morning and spend the majority of my time throughout my life doing? When you really think about it, it’s such a dumb concept. I’m a senior in college right now, and although I have picked a major and I do thoroughly enjoy it, I still don’t know if I can see myself doing it for my entire life. I don’t know. The whole concept just doesn’t make sense to me.
Whenever I tell people that I don’t really want to have children one day, they act like something is wrong with what I’m saying or that something is wrong with me. But the truth is, it’s just really not a desire of mine or something that I see benefiting my life. When I told my mom this about a year or two ago, all she could tell me was how selfish I was. But I don’t care. I want to live my life to the fullest on my own, traveling, and not having kids hold me back from doing whatever I want whenever I want. I think that being a mom is a beautiful thing and I love each and everyone one of my nieces and nephews, but kids just aren’t for me. If I end up meeting someone and falling in love, I know that this could be a huge dilemma. And who knows, maybe I will meet someone and decide that I do want to have a child with them. But at this point in my life, that’s not on the agenda. I just really hate that it’s looked down upon for a woman to not want to have kids. It’s just not everyone’s cup of tea.