I’m at that awkward age where a good amount of my friends have graduated and the other half either haven’t yet or aren’t going to. Strangely enough, it seems as though most of the ones who have graduated all have their shit together and are on their way to leading successful happy lives in big cities with high paying jobs. I would love to be on my way to that, but as of right now, I feel like I’m on my way to the opposite. I’ve always struggled with feeling as though I’m not good enough and with comparing myself to others, but I really don’t know how I’m not expected to do that now. This whole thing about not knowing what I’m doing next year and if I’m going to live up to the expectations of myself and of those around me, has really been weighing on my shoulders hard lately. But to be 100% honest, it just hit me harder than it ever has and the reason why makes me cringe.
I had the night off tonight and have been trying to rest since I worked the majority of the weekend and am physically and mentally exhausted right now. I got on Facebook for some reason and came across my love interest (yes, the same one I’ve been crazy about for months) and clicked on his page to look at a picture that I had seen. We’ve been talking a lot more than we had been and he is actually coming down to visit this weekend. He’s finally started to settle into his job and has made new friends that all seem to have too much money and bad habits, so I’ve been a little worried about him lately. But I’ll address that in more detail later. Anyways, I am on his page and click on his best friend from colleges’ page who I felt like I knew decently well, considering the fact that I was always at their apartment last year. This guy has his shit completely together. He works for a big company, makes bank, and is currently working overseas doing so. A few more clicks and I find out that as of recently, he has a new girlfriend, who is equally successful and absolutely beautiful. When I saw that, something in me snapped. Maybe because I was scared that his friend, whom I am quite fond of to say the least, compares me to his best friend’s girlfriend. I’m younger than they are, but still I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And to be honest, they all have their shit together so much that I look insanely immature and dumb next to them. In case you can’t tell, I’ve been panicking ever since, and can’t help but think, “is this how everyone views me?”
I don’t know. As I’m typing this, I realize that it sounds so dumb, but my entire life has been surrounded around the idea that I’d become this hugely successful woman and have such a better life than I did growing up. But now that I’m coming to the end of my college career, I’m freaking out so hard. The bar for what it means to be successful has been set so high by everyone that surrounds me, and I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t meet those standards. I really need to work on getting it together in the next couple of months.