Something about the rain 

I don’t know why, but there is something about rainy days that make me feel nostalgic. Whenever it’s cold & rainy out, I suddenly start thinking about past love interests or get the urge to text an old friend. 

I woke up for work this morning at 8am, and it was raining outside. And for the first time in over a year, I didn’t really miss you. Sure I still thought about you. But I didn’t get the urge to be wrapped up in your giant king bed next to you, listening the sound of the rain against one of the 8 windows in your room. You cancelled last weekend, and at first, I was devastated. It’s been months since we’ve seen each other and the fact that you could still find a reason to cancel our plans made me feel extremely dumb that I still feel the way that I do about you. But the more that I think about it, the more I am realizing that you did me a huge favor.

I no longer remember the smell of your apartment. I don’t remember how your hands felt when they touched my skin or the scars and freckles on your face. I still know that your eyes are brown but I don’t remember how I felt when I looked into them anymore. Only now as I’m writing this post am I starting to remember the smirk that you’d give me or the way your laugh sounds, but these are things that I used to replay in my head every single day. 

The rain didn’t make me miss you today. Instead, it only reminded me that I used to miss you. And that is progress. 

Facebook creeping never leads to anything positive.

I’m at that awkward age where a good amount of my friends have graduated and the other half either haven’t yet or aren’t going to. Strangely enough, it seems as though most of the ones who have graduated all have their shit together and are on their way to leading successful happy lives in big cities with high paying jobs. I would love to be on my way to that, but as of right now, I feel like I’m on my way to the opposite. I’ve always struggled with feeling as though I’m not good enough and with comparing myself to others, but I really don’t know how I’m not expected to do that now. This whole thing about not knowing what I’m doing next year and if I’m going to live up to the expectations of myself and of those around me, has really been weighing on my shoulders hard lately. But to be 100% honest, it just hit me harder than it ever has and the reason why makes me cringe.


I had the night off tonight and have been trying to rest since I worked the majority of the weekend and am physically and mentally exhausted right now. I got on Facebook for some reason and came across my love interest (yes, the same one I’ve been crazy about for months) and clicked on his page to look at a picture that I had seen. We’ve been talking a lot more than we had been and he is actually coming down to visit this weekend. He’s finally started to settle into his job and has made new friends that all seem to have too much money and bad habits, so I’ve been a little worried about him lately. But I’ll address that in more detail later. Anyways, I am on his page and click on his best friend from colleges’ page who I felt like I knew decently well, considering the fact that I was always at their apartment last year. This guy has his shit completely together. He works for a big company, makes bank, and is currently working overseas doing so. A few more clicks and I find out that as of recently, he has a new girlfriend, who is equally successful and absolutely beautiful. When I saw that, something in me snapped. Maybe because I was scared that his friend, whom I am quite fond of to say the least, compares me to his best friend’s girlfriend. I’m younger than they are, but still I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And to be honest, they all have their shit together so much that I look insanely immature and dumb next to them. In case you can’t tell, I’ve been panicking ever since, and can’t help but think, “is this how everyone views me?”

I don’t know. As I’m typing this, I realize that it sounds so dumb, but my entire life has been surrounded around the idea that I’d become this hugely successful woman and have such a better life than I did growing up. But now that I’m coming to the end of my college career, I’m freaking out so hard. The bar for what it means to be successful has been set so high by everyone that surrounds me, and I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t meet those standards. I really need to work on getting it together in the next couple of months.

I’m bad at this

First things first, I’m back. I haven’t posted on here since a few days before Christmas, and so much has happened in my life in these last 2 months. Part of me feels somewhat guilty that I haven’t kept up with my page at least a little bit, so I feel the need to explain (I’m not sure if I’m doing this more for the people who read my posts or myself to be honest).  My laptop got a virus around Christmas time and I managed to put off getting a new one until last week. I don’t know why, but every time I went to write a post on the app on my phone, it just didn’t feel write and I would save it as a draft. I also went through a lot of family drama around Christmas time and sort of lost interest in all other things. I started working more and more and stopped caring about my social life and a lot of the people around me. That also contributed to my absence. But I think the main reason that I stopped writing, was because writing is how I deal with so much of the things that happen to me in my life. And there were so many things that happened all at once, that I just haven’t wanted to think about. So I guess not writing about my problems, was my way of not having to face them. I put them to the back of mind and kept telling myself that I would deal with them later. But I feel like I’m starting to go insane, so I guess it’s time that I come back on here. I hope you all accept me with open arms, because I could really use that right now.

Dear High School Me,

It’s one of those nights where I’m spending hours looking through my tagged photos on Facebook from high school instead of sleeping. It’s crazy to really look back and see how much has changed since then. Looking back through all of those pictures made me realize how much I wished I could go back and tell myself all of the things that I needed to hear at the time. If I had the chance, here’s what I would say.

The first thing that I would say is: hold on to these girls. Times will be tough and you will grow apart, but do not let them go. Time and time again they will prove to be the people who know you best. At the end of the day, they are the ones who are still going to know you better than anyone else even when you’re in college and you’ve barely been in contact for the past 2 years. They are the definition of what best friends should be. Love them with all of your heart and always always always appreciate them. They’ve stuck by you for everything. Don’t forget that.

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The second thing that I would tell my high school self is don’t lose sight of what’s really important. When I was young, I took my family for granted constantly. I thought that they would always be there and that at that time, spending time with my friends was more important because I suffered from serious FOMO. But I should have been worried more about my family. Fast forward 5 years later and my dad has passed away. Most of my relationships are strained, distant, or just not the same.

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Next, I would write her an entire novel about relationship advice. I came across this photo tonight on Facebook of me and my first serious boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in at least 3-4 years and only hear about bits and pieces of his current life every now and then through mutual friends.  Thinking back, I was truly happy with him for the first year or so of our relationship. Looking at the picture of us below, I think that that is pretty evident. He made me happy and he was the first guy that I ever had strong feelings for. But if I could go back now, I would tell myself to just enjoy my time with him. To not take our relationship to seriously and to let go of my insecurities. I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I shouldn’t spend my time picking at him for things that he should fix. Rather, I would focus more on what I needed to work on. He did the best he could for me. And instead of asking for more, I should have appreciated it. Because relationships aren’t about grand gestures and everyone else thinking you’re “goals.” They’re about the feeling that you get when you get to see them after a long day at work. They’re about how nice it feels to spend days doing nothing with them and enjoying little things like taking drives in the summer with the windows rolled down. If I could talk to myself right after we broke up, I would tell myself to just let go. I am young. I have so much more life ahead of me and though it may feel like the end of the world now, I have so much more to learn before I can fully love someone. He was everything that I thought that I needed at the time, but he was not “it.” And neither were any of the other guys who I would fall for in the next 5 years. If one ends, don’t let it end you. There will always be other guys and that’s that. One day you will look at someone the way you’re looking at your ex boyfriend from high school in this picture, but it won’t be at your locker in between 3rd and 4th period. It will be every morning when you wake up next to him and your heart will be full and your worries will fade as you trace his lips with your fingertips. And I’m not talking about a husband, you might have 3 or 4 of these kinds guys in your life. Men come and  go and so do your feelings for them. But don’t let it rule you.

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Another thing that I would say to my high school self is to just enjoy the moment that you are living in. As awful and as pessimistic as it sounds, no matter how bad it seems, it will get so much worse. You’ll be 22 in college: completely on your own, living from paycheck to paycheck, you’ll lose family members that you thought you couldn’t live without, people will change in ways that you didn’t think possible, you’ll hate yourself at multiple points, and you’ll grow apart from life long friends. The high school drama and the fact that your mom won’t buy you the prom dress that you want will become laughable compared to the other dilemmas that you will face. But right now, you’re young and it’s okay to be carefree and make dumb mistakes. So do it as much as you possibly can while you still can.

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One last thing that I would tell my high school self is that you are a beautiful and intelligent young woman. You have so much more potential to grow and you will become stronger than you even think is possible. Don’t worry about what other people think. And for the last time, YOU ARE NOT FAT. You have a beautiful body and you will look back 5 years from now and laugh at how stupid you were to think that you looked so bad. I’d also tell myself to be easier on my mom, because she has it harder than I think. And not just to be easier on her, but to be easier on everyone who messes up. I’m not perfect, so don’t expect others to be. Just slow down and take a deep breath. Stop worrying about things that don’t matter and about things that you cannot change. Don’t take things for granted, but also don’t take them too seriously. Live in the moment, but if it’s not going how you want it to, remember that it won’t be this way forever. Enjoy the people and the places that make up your life today, because they might not be there or the same tomorrow. It’s okay to mess up so long as you learn from your mistakes. This is your life, so do what you want when you want. And always always always enjoy the little moments, because they are the ones that you will cherish most. 251318_10150632319365608_5033901_n

it’s one of those sundays

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It’s one of those Sundays where the only thing that I want to do is lay in bed, light some candles, make a huge cup of tea, and watch movies all day. It’s also one of those days where I’m trying really hard to be positive, but my anxiety is taking over and the only thing that I can think of is things that I wish I wouldn’t have said/done in the past. One of those days when I feel constantly worried, but I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is that I’m worried about. It’s one of those days when writing is the only way that I feel like expressing myself because I don’t have to physically speak to anyone and sometimes that’s nice.

 

I’m still with her

The past 24 hours have been sad, disappointing, and extremely disheartening. I don’t usually display my political views publicly, but I feel so strongly about this election that I cannot contain myself.

Whether anyone likes it or not, Hillary Clinton is one of the most significant female figures in all of American politics. She has undoubtedly made many mistakes, but still, she was the most qualified candidate of this election. However, she still lost. Here’s the thing though: she didn’t lose to another politician, to someone who had better ideas and intentions for our country than she did, to someone who loves American more than her. She lost to a misogynist, homophobic, racist (the list goes on and on) ex reality tv star and business owner. She lost to a man who is awaiting trial for RAPE, a man who openly hates Muslims and Latinos and then denies saying any of it.

You know, I am just really at a loss for words here. How did we back track this far that we decided to elect a man who is fueled by hate to run our country?

I saw a quote earlier from a young woman about my age that they interviewed once the results of the election came out that said, “this election made me realize that America is not what I thought it was.” I could not agree more with this statement more and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that mothers all over the United States will have to explain to their daughters how it is possible for a man who treats women as if they are nothing more than inferior sex objects is running our country. It breaks my heart that little boys across the United States will look up to the new leader of our country. A man who could not even tweet for himself on his own twitter account the day before his election, because his campaign was too afraid that he might say something stupid. A man who speaks of women so vulgarly I don’t even want to type out what he said, yet is the same man who is supposed to construct rules that will determine women’s health. 

What a joke.

If nothing else, this election was a huge slap in the face to every woman in America, whether they want to accept it or not. We had two choices. A woman who was clearly fit for the job, and a man who is under qualified and quite frankly, an idiot. So what did we do? We gave it to the man. Just like so many other Americans, I am angry. Bur I will not sit around and do nothing. I will fight more fiercely for my rights than I ever have before. I have never felt so inspired by someone as much as I have been by Hillary Clinton after she conceded from the election. She new that she was robbed, yet, she still conceded from the election as gracefully as she possibly could have. Even though she had every right, she didn’t stand before us and say, “What is wrong with you America? You just royally f*cked up!!” But instead, she stood before us and she said, “I’m sorry.” The woman WE let down is apologizing to US. That is the most American woman thing to do; to apologize to someone who does YOU wrong. And for that Hillary, I thank you. I thank you for reminding us to be the bigger person. But at the same time, to not lose hope. To never give up no matter how many times you fail or hear “no.” To always, always, always fight for what you believe in, and to never lose sight of what it is that you are fighting for. You are a strong woman and you don’t get the credit that you deserve. When you said in your speech that you were proud to be the champion of girls everywhere, you were absolutely right about that. You are my champion and I am still with her.

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not replying to texts, loving yourself, and other unrelated topics

Before you read this, I just want to say I don’t really know where I’m going with it. It’s just kind of a rant, so bear with me.

It’s one of those days where I woke up in a good mood, but everyone is mad at me. And for the dumbest reasons. For example, my sister is mad I didn’t call her back soon enough; my friend is mad I didn’t text her back; and my roommate is mad that I went out last night even though she couldn’t. The cause of most of these problems were caused by how awful I am with my phone. Sometimes I just zone everything out and don’t reply to texts for days. It’s not that I’m purposely ignoring someone or trying to be rude, I just would rather live my life without my eyes being glued to my phone screen. I thought that was a good thing, but people get really mad at me for it. But this isn’t a rant about how dependent the world is on technology, it’s about a realization that I had upon finding out that everyone is shitty with me today.

I don’t care. I don’t care that anyone is mad at me. I don’t care that I didn’t text anyone back. I don’t care that my roommate (who is also my best friend) is being extremely petty and immature. I’ve been so sad for the past couple months or so. I’ve been going through a kind of breakup (we didn’t date officially so I don’t know if I can use the term breakup), I’ve been dealing with a lot of family issues, and I’ve also “broken up” with a few of my friends. But I’m finally starting to feel okay. Now that I am starting to feel like myself again, I’m done dealing with negativity. None of these things will even matter in another week so why waste my energy worrying about them now?

 


 

What’s changed you may ask? Well i’m still not over the guy I ended things with, but I’m getting there. I think I’m almost okay with being just friends, because we’ve both made it clear that we still want each other in our lives. And even if it didn’t work out how I wanted it to, I found my first love and that’s beautiful. As far as my family goes, things are getting better but overall, I’ve learned to let go of what I can’t change. I’ve also realized that I can’t fix everyone else’s problems and constantly worrying about it isn’t going to do anything either. When it comes to the friends I’ve lost, I mean it sucks but people grow apart and that’s life. I’ve made a lot of new ones lately at work so maybe that’s why I’m more okay with it now too.

I want to be happy again and I’ve come to realize that in order to get there, I need to be a little selfish. I need to put my own needs first and love myself entirely before I can love anyone else. If that means ignoring a text for a couple hours because I’m more interested in what I’m doing at that moment, then I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’ve always thought that being selfish was an awful thing to be, but sometimes it’s just necessary. I’m just sick of putting others first when they don’t think twice about me before doing something.

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I’m a firm believer that if a person keeps being brought back into your life, then it’s for a reason.

For example, the time when I first met the guy who I am crazy about now at a bar. I forgot to get his number and saw him again the following weekend but I then saw him a week later at the library, but didn’t talk to him. About a week later I saw him again all the way across campus and ended up getting his number. After that, I never ran into him on campus ever again even though I went to all of the same places. I kept in contact with him, but it’s as if we were running into each other repeatedly because of fate. It kept happening until I got his number and didn’t lose it, so that we could see each other again.

Or the time last year when I randomly took an Italian class last minute to fill up a gap in my schedule and met a girl named Sierra who I talked to maybe once. Fast forward to the following summer and we somehow got hired for the same job at the same time and now she’s one of my best friends.

I don’t know maybe I’m just being dramatic or am a little tipsy off of wine and stretching things, but my point it, is something or someone keeps reoccurring in your life, then there’s probably a reason for it. Don’t ignore it. The universe is trying to tell you something. Take notice to the things that happen around you and give in to them. Because usually it leads to positive things.

It happened; I’ve finally had enough.

If you asked someone who knows me to describe me, one of the first things that they would say is that I’m a nice person. Yes, this is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it’s almost to the point that it’s a flaw. I don’t always stand up for myself, I tend to let people walk all over me, and I often have trouble saying no to people.

As you all know, lately I’ve been trying to find happiness and my place in the world, and I’ve come to find that it’s extremely hard to do this while being too nice. Sometimes you just have to say no. You have to put someone in their place when they treat you wrong. You have to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, people aren’t going to respect you. They’re going to use you. They’re going to take and take and take as long as you continue to give.

I’m not sure what came over me, but this week something in me snapped. It was probably just a build up of different events where others have taken advantage of my kindness and mistaken it for weakness. A mixture of not being appreciated for all that I do at my job, not being taken seriously by friends, not getting back what I put in to my love life, my family also not taking me seriously. Whatever it was, I hit my breaking point and I am finally starting to realize that I deserve more than what I’m getting out of people. I’ve always had somewhat low self esteem and settle for less. But I am done with that. I’m done with settling. I want what’s best for myself. I want to be happy and I want what I deserve. It’s time for me to start saying no to the things that I don’t want to do. Time to cut the people out of my life that don’t treat me right. Time to stop bending over backwards for people who put little effort into our relationship.

Self respect is a beautiful thing. I’m so happy that I’m finally realizing that I deserve it.

all the things i wish you could hear me say

I knew this was coming for awhile now. It would have been foolish of me to think otherwise. We’re both young and you’re successful and live in a booming city. Obviously you were going to move on at some point. It seems like you’ve already started to, meanwhile I’m still where I was at 6 months ago, wishing you were officially mine. I know that you’ll be back. Whether it be next week or 7 months from now. You’ll call me up like we never stopped talking and tell me that you’re coming to visit. Usually, I’d answer and I’d be happy as ever that you had come back for me. I’d romanticize with the idea that it must be meant to be, because no matter how many times you tried to find love elsewhere, you always ended up coming back for mine.  But this time will be different. I won’t be on the other line, gleefully telling you how happy I am to hear from you. I’ll be somewhere between over you and getting over you. Depending on how long it will have been, maybe I’ll even be moved on and happy by that point. Maybe that phone call will be the last bit of closure that I need to let go. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I won’t be giving in next time you come back.

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One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn while growing up is that even if you deeply care about someone, it’s not guaranteed to be mutual. I can’t think of many feelings worse than a love that is not fully reciprocated. That’s why I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait for you. I need to be happy on my own, whether it be with or without you. And it looks like it’s going to have to be without you this time. I know you don’t expect me to move on. And maybe that’s why you are trying to do so yourself. Because you know that you can and you think that I’ll still be here, waiting. Whatever the reason, I hope that you too find happiness. If that’s not with me, then that’s fine. Life has a funny way of working out. So I’m going to put my trust in the fact that maybe it’s just not meant to be. No matter how real it feels when we’re together. I’m putting trust in the fact that if you’re not the one, then there’s someone even better for me out there.