right person, wrong time type of thing

 

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve slept by myself. My most recent “bae” has been staying over pretty consistently all summer. But that’s all about to change.

We both just graduated and are moving 500 miles away from each other. The worst part of it all is that if we weren’t moving away from each other, then I know that we could have made it work. I have real feelings for him and I know that they are reciprocal; this is something that rarely happens with me because I have a bad habit of only going for men who are emotionally unavailable or playboys. We’re both going through so many changes right now, and I think a long distance relationship would only put more stress on our lives. It’s one of those right person, wrong time situations. Where the person is absolutely great, but the timing is awful and there are so many reasons why it can’t work right now. Knowing that and even accepting it still doesn’t make it any easier. If anything, I think that it makes it worse, because you know that if the timing was right then you could probably end up loving that person.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Last year I started seeing someone who was graduating a year before me and was moving in to a different time zone 6 months after we had met. I went in to it knowing that and still couldn’t help but fall for him. He is the guy, who up until recently, I talked about in my posts. We still keep in touch but not as much as we used to, and I finally moved on. Only it was to someone who I also cannot be with. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I can’t tell if I’m just a masochist who enjoys suffering in the fact of knowing that I can never make things work with someone that I care about or if I’m doing it to protect myself. Sometimes, I feel as though I subconsciously start to catch feelings for people who I know that I can’t make it work with, so that I don’t have to A) commit to a real relationship because all of my past ones have ended so horribly & B) so that I don’t have to risk being hurt if it does turn in to a real relationship.

The ironic part of all of this, is that if I am doing it to protect myself, I still end up getting hurt. The only difference is that I’m choosing the way that it ends. I start relationships with people who are leaving because I know that when they leave will be the end. Even if we still keep in touch, it won’t be the same because I refuse to do long distance. Whereas, if I started talking to someone who was in the same city as me for good, who knows what could happen. They could meet someone else, cheat on me, get bored of me.

***Side note: As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that this is probably the reason why I keep doing this to myself. This is why I love writing. Because it helps me talk out what I’m thinking when my thoughts are jumbled, take a step back and analyze what it is that I’m feeling or thinking.***

I need to overcome this insecurity that everyone I have feelings for is going to end up hurting me, or else I’m never going to be able to have a stable healthy relationship. The problem is, I don’t know how to do that. It’s so hard sometimes to let go of those negative thoughts. Anyways, more updates on this situation to come, but for now I’m headed to bed :).

 

What’s better for you these days, a juice cleanse or a social media cleanse? (Asking for a friend)

Confession: I love social media and I am almost always using it. I love Twitter, Instagram, and especially Snapchat. Each of these platforms holds a different purpose for me. Twitter is mainly something that I look at when I need a good laugh. My feed is mostly just memes and old vine threads. Instagram on the other hand, is where I look to for inspiration for my everyday life. I follow a ton of girls my age whose fashion I admire, Chicago foodies, my favorite stores, fitness accounts, and celebrities. I also follow a lot of friends on Instagram, but besides text messages and phone calls, I primarily use Snapchat to keep up with my friends.

Technically, I guess my WordPress page is also a social media platform, but I don’t really consider it to be in the same way as the other ones that I use. Anyways, lately I’ve felt very uninspired and my mind has been cloudy. I have also found myself focusing way too much on what others think and spend too much time comparing myself to others. I feel as though I have been focusing so much on social media, that it’s been taking away from my own life. A couple of weeks ago, a girl who I follow on Instagram, announced that she was doing a social media cleanse. This girl is about a year or two older than I am and is a socialite in Chicago. I follow her page because I love her fashion sense and aesthetic. When she announced that she was doing a social media cleanse, I was very surprised, because she is constantly posting. It also made me wonder why someone with what seemed to be in my eyes, a perfect life, would want to take a break from showing it off. Upon thinking this, I immediately realized how superficial it made me feel for even having that thought. I have to remind myself sometimes, that a person’s social media does not necessarily reflect how their life really is. Social media is really just the bits and pieces of a person’s life that they decide to share with the public, so that they are perceived a certain way. Outside of Instagram, I do not know this girl or her every day troubles. All that I know about her is that she is always sipping on fancy cocktails at Chicago bars and has an impeccable wardrobe. So many times I think that we forget that the people we see on social media, have lives and real problems that are not always made visible for us.

This whole instance and the way that I first reacted to it got me thinking, “Do I need a social media cleanse as well?” I clearly was so deep in this internet world that I was forgetting that it didn’t always represent reality accurately and I was accepting it as my own reality. I decided that the answer to this was yes. So I deleted the Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat applications on my phone. I don’t really have a set amount of time that I want to do it for. I just figured that I would start out doing the “cleanse” for several days to a week and depending on how it made me feel, I would either continue it or discontinue it. I’m not worried about going without Twitter or Instagram, I think that the two of those will be a breeze. The only one that I think I will struggle with staying off of is Snapchat. I mentioned earlier that I keep in touch of most of my friends on this application, and for some of my friends, it is the only form of communication that I really keep with them. I’m currently casually seeing two different guys and I mainly communicate with both of them through the app. I don’t really know how this became my main source of communication for both of them, but I guess that most of it was my doing. As of right now, I’m not looking to exclusively date either of them, and I think that Snapchat keeps the situations more casual. I dislike texting very much and I’m also really bad at it. I don’t always (okay, I never do) text back in a timely manner and this really offends a lot of people. With Snapchat, whether we’re snapping back and forth pictures or utilizing the messaging part of the app, it’s more laidback. I don’t have to worry about replying in a certain time frame without hurting the other person’s feelings or even replying at all. I guess more than anything, I’m just anxious to see if either one of them will reach out to me in another way. This brings me to my next point, that social media is an interesting concept all together, because anyone who has social media accounts, probably has relationships on it that do not exist outside of the accounts. For example, the person who you do not know that always comments advice on your blog posts, the mutual friend of a friend always commenting nice things on your pictures, etc. So if we take away social media and we lose all of these relationships, will it affect us positively, negatively, or not at all? I guess that’s a topic to dive into after the cleanse, but for now, it’s just something to think about.

I’m not really sure what I expect to get out of this cleanse. But it will be interesting to see how I feel in terms of my mental health after it is done. Like I stated before, I do struggle with comparing my life to those on social media and ending up unhappy a lot of times because of it. As juvenile as this may sound, I know that there are thousands (probably way more) of other people like this in the world and that’s pretty problematic. More updates to come on how goes. Until then, wish me luck.

Something about the rain 

I don’t know why, but there is something about rainy days that make me feel nostalgic. Whenever it’s cold & rainy out, I suddenly start thinking about past love interests or get the urge to text an old friend. 

I woke up for work this morning at 8am, and it was raining outside. And for the first time in over a year, I didn’t really miss you. Sure I still thought about you. But I didn’t get the urge to be wrapped up in your giant king bed next to you, listening the sound of the rain against one of the 8 windows in your room. You cancelled last weekend, and at first, I was devastated. It’s been months since we’ve seen each other and the fact that you could still find a reason to cancel our plans made me feel extremely dumb that I still feel the way that I do about you. But the more that I think about it, the more I am realizing that you did me a huge favor.

I no longer remember the smell of your apartment. I don’t remember how your hands felt when they touched my skin or the scars and freckles on your face. I still know that your eyes are brown but I don’t remember how I felt when I looked into them anymore. Only now as I’m writing this post am I starting to remember the smirk that you’d give me or the way your laugh sounds, but these are things that I used to replay in my head every single day. 

The rain didn’t make me miss you today. Instead, it only reminded me that I used to miss you. And that is progress. 

Facebook creeping never leads to anything positive.

I’m at that awkward age where a good amount of my friends have graduated and the other half either haven’t yet or aren’t going to. Strangely enough, it seems as though most of the ones who have graduated all have their shit together and are on their way to leading successful happy lives in big cities with high paying jobs. I would love to be on my way to that, but as of right now, I feel like I’m on my way to the opposite. I’ve always struggled with feeling as though I’m not good enough and with comparing myself to others, but I really don’t know how I’m not expected to do that now. This whole thing about not knowing what I’m doing next year and if I’m going to live up to the expectations of myself and of those around me, has really been weighing on my shoulders hard lately. But to be 100% honest, it just hit me harder than it ever has and the reason why makes me cringe.


I had the night off tonight and have been trying to rest since I worked the majority of the weekend and am physically and mentally exhausted right now. I got on Facebook for some reason and came across my love interest (yes, the same one I’ve been crazy about for months) and clicked on his page to look at a picture that I had seen. We’ve been talking a lot more than we had been and he is actually coming down to visit this weekend. He’s finally started to settle into his job and has made new friends that all seem to have too much money and bad habits, so I’ve been a little worried about him lately. But I’ll address that in more detail later. Anyways, I am on his page and click on his best friend from colleges’ page who I felt like I knew decently well, considering the fact that I was always at their apartment last year. This guy has his shit completely together. He works for a big company, makes bank, and is currently working overseas doing so. A few more clicks and I find out that as of recently, he has a new girlfriend, who is equally successful and absolutely beautiful. When I saw that, something in me snapped. Maybe because I was scared that his friend, whom I am quite fond of to say the least, compares me to his best friend’s girlfriend. I’m younger than they are, but still I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And to be honest, they all have their shit together so much that I look insanely immature and dumb next to them. In case you can’t tell, I’ve been panicking ever since, and can’t help but think, “is this how everyone views me?”

I don’t know. As I’m typing this, I realize that it sounds so dumb, but my entire life has been surrounded around the idea that I’d become this hugely successful woman and have such a better life than I did growing up. But now that I’m coming to the end of my college career, I’m freaking out so hard. The bar for what it means to be successful has been set so high by everyone that surrounds me, and I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t meet those standards. I really need to work on getting it together in the next couple of months.

I’m bad at this

First things first, I’m back. I haven’t posted on here since a few days before Christmas, and so much has happened in my life in these last 2 months. Part of me feels somewhat guilty that I haven’t kept up with my page at least a little bit, so I feel the need to explain (I’m not sure if I’m doing this more for the people who read my posts or myself to be honest).  My laptop got a virus around Christmas time and I managed to put off getting a new one until last week. I don’t know why, but every time I went to write a post on the app on my phone, it just didn’t feel write and I would save it as a draft. I also went through a lot of family drama around Christmas time and sort of lost interest in all other things. I started working more and more and stopped caring about my social life and a lot of the people around me. That also contributed to my absence. But I think the main reason that I stopped writing, was because writing is how I deal with so much of the things that happen to me in my life. And there were so many things that happened all at once, that I just haven’t wanted to think about. So I guess not writing about my problems, was my way of not having to face them. I put them to the back of mind and kept telling myself that I would deal with them later. But I feel like I’m starting to go insane, so I guess it’s time that I come back on here. I hope you all accept me with open arms, because I could really use that right now.

Dear High School Me,

It’s one of those nights where I’m spending hours looking through my tagged photos on Facebook from high school instead of sleeping. It’s crazy to really look back and see how much has changed since then. Looking back through all of those pictures made me realize how much I wished I could go back and tell myself all of the things that I needed to hear at the time. If I had the chance, here’s what I would say.

The first thing that I would say is: hold on to these girls. Times will be tough and you will grow apart, but do not let them go. Time and time again they will prove to be the people who know you best. At the end of the day, they are the ones who are still going to know you better than anyone else even when you’re in college and you’ve barely been in contact for the past 2 years. They are the definition of what best friends should be. Love them with all of your heart and always always always appreciate them. They’ve stuck by you for everything. Don’t forget that.

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The second thing that I would tell my high school self is don’t lose sight of what’s really important. When I was young, I took my family for granted constantly. I thought that they would always be there and that at that time, spending time with my friends was more important because I suffered from serious FOMO. But I should have been worried more about my family. Fast forward 5 years later and my dad has passed away. Most of my relationships are strained, distant, or just not the same.

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Next, I would write her an entire novel about relationship advice. I came across this photo tonight on Facebook of me and my first serious boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in at least 3-4 years and only hear about bits and pieces of his current life every now and then through mutual friends.  Thinking back, I was truly happy with him for the first year or so of our relationship. Looking at the picture of us below, I think that that is pretty evident. He made me happy and he was the first guy that I ever had strong feelings for. But if I could go back now, I would tell myself to just enjoy my time with him. To not take our relationship to seriously and to let go of my insecurities. I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I shouldn’t spend my time picking at him for things that he should fix. Rather, I would focus more on what I needed to work on. He did the best he could for me. And instead of asking for more, I should have appreciated it. Because relationships aren’t about grand gestures and everyone else thinking you’re “goals.” They’re about the feeling that you get when you get to see them after a long day at work. They’re about how nice it feels to spend days doing nothing with them and enjoying little things like taking drives in the summer with the windows rolled down. If I could talk to myself right after we broke up, I would tell myself to just let go. I am young. I have so much more life ahead of me and though it may feel like the end of the world now, I have so much more to learn before I can fully love someone. He was everything that I thought that I needed at the time, but he was not “it.” And neither were any of the other guys who I would fall for in the next 5 years. If one ends, don’t let it end you. There will always be other guys and that’s that. One day you will look at someone the way you’re looking at your ex boyfriend from high school in this picture, but it won’t be at your locker in between 3rd and 4th period. It will be every morning when you wake up next to him and your heart will be full and your worries will fade as you trace his lips with your fingertips. And I’m not talking about a husband, you might have 3 or 4 of these kinds guys in your life. Men come and  go and so do your feelings for them. But don’t let it rule you.

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Another thing that I would say to my high school self is to just enjoy the moment that you are living in. As awful and as pessimistic as it sounds, no matter how bad it seems, it will get so much worse. You’ll be 22 in college: completely on your own, living from paycheck to paycheck, you’ll lose family members that you thought you couldn’t live without, people will change in ways that you didn’t think possible, you’ll hate yourself at multiple points, and you’ll grow apart from life long friends. The high school drama and the fact that your mom won’t buy you the prom dress that you want will become laughable compared to the other dilemmas that you will face. But right now, you’re young and it’s okay to be carefree and make dumb mistakes. So do it as much as you possibly can while you still can.

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One last thing that I would tell my high school self is that you are a beautiful and intelligent young woman. You have so much more potential to grow and you will become stronger than you even think is possible. Don’t worry about what other people think. And for the last time, YOU ARE NOT FAT. You have a beautiful body and you will look back 5 years from now and laugh at how stupid you were to think that you looked so bad. I’d also tell myself to be easier on my mom, because she has it harder than I think. And not just to be easier on her, but to be easier on everyone who messes up. I’m not perfect, so don’t expect others to be. Just slow down and take a deep breath. Stop worrying about things that don’t matter and about things that you cannot change. Don’t take things for granted, but also don’t take them too seriously. Live in the moment, but if it’s not going how you want it to, remember that it won’t be this way forever. Enjoy the people and the places that make up your life today, because they might not be there or the same tomorrow. It’s okay to mess up so long as you learn from your mistakes. This is your life, so do what you want when you want. And always always always enjoy the little moments, because they are the ones that you will cherish most. 251318_10150632319365608_5033901_n

it’s one of those sundays

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It’s one of those Sundays where the only thing that I want to do is lay in bed, light some candles, make a huge cup of tea, and watch movies all day. It’s also one of those days where I’m trying really hard to be positive, but my anxiety is taking over and the only thing that I can think of is things that I wish I wouldn’t have said/done in the past. One of those days when I feel constantly worried, but I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is that I’m worried about. It’s one of those days when writing is the only way that I feel like expressing myself because I don’t have to physically speak to anyone and sometimes that’s nice.

 

I’m still with her

The past 24 hours have been sad, disappointing, and extremely disheartening. I don’t usually display my political views publicly, but I feel so strongly about this election that I cannot contain myself.

Whether anyone likes it or not, Hillary Clinton is one of the most significant female figures in all of American politics. She has undoubtedly made many mistakes, but still, she was the most qualified candidate of this election. However, she still lost. Here’s the thing though: she didn’t lose to another politician, to someone who had better ideas and intentions for our country than she did, to someone who loves American more than her. She lost to a misogynist, homophobic, racist (the list goes on and on) ex reality tv star and business owner. She lost to a man who is awaiting trial for RAPE, a man who openly hates Muslims and Latinos and then denies saying any of it.

You know, I am just really at a loss for words here. How did we back track this far that we decided to elect a man who is fueled by hate to run our country?

I saw a quote earlier from a young woman about my age that they interviewed once the results of the election came out that said, “this election made me realize that America is not what I thought it was.” I could not agree more with this statement more and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that mothers all over the United States will have to explain to their daughters how it is possible for a man who treats women as if they are nothing more than inferior sex objects is running our country. It breaks my heart that little boys across the United States will look up to the new leader of our country. A man who could not even tweet for himself on his own twitter account the day before his election, because his campaign was too afraid that he might say something stupid. A man who speaks of women so vulgarly I don’t even want to type out what he said, yet is the same man who is supposed to construct rules that will determine women’s health. 

What a joke.

If nothing else, this election was a huge slap in the face to every woman in America, whether they want to accept it or not. We had two choices. A woman who was clearly fit for the job, and a man who is under qualified and quite frankly, an idiot. So what did we do? We gave it to the man. Just like so many other Americans, I am angry. Bur I will not sit around and do nothing. I will fight more fiercely for my rights than I ever have before. I have never felt so inspired by someone as much as I have been by Hillary Clinton after she conceded from the election. She new that she was robbed, yet, she still conceded from the election as gracefully as she possibly could have. Even though she had every right, she didn’t stand before us and say, “What is wrong with you America? You just royally f*cked up!!” But instead, she stood before us and she said, “I’m sorry.” The woman WE let down is apologizing to US. That is the most American woman thing to do; to apologize to someone who does YOU wrong. And for that Hillary, I thank you. I thank you for reminding us to be the bigger person. But at the same time, to not lose hope. To never give up no matter how many times you fail or hear “no.” To always, always, always fight for what you believe in, and to never lose sight of what it is that you are fighting for. You are a strong woman and you don’t get the credit that you deserve. When you said in your speech that you were proud to be the champion of girls everywhere, you were absolutely right about that. You are my champion and I am still with her.

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not replying to texts, loving yourself, and other unrelated topics

Before you read this, I just want to say I don’t really know where I’m going with it. It’s just kind of a rant, so bear with me.

It’s one of those days where I woke up in a good mood, but everyone is mad at me. And for the dumbest reasons. For example, my sister is mad I didn’t call her back soon enough; my friend is mad I didn’t text her back; and my roommate is mad that I went out last night even though she couldn’t. The cause of most of these problems were caused by how awful I am with my phone. Sometimes I just zone everything out and don’t reply to texts for days. It’s not that I’m purposely ignoring someone or trying to be rude, I just would rather live my life without my eyes being glued to my phone screen. I thought that was a good thing, but people get really mad at me for it. But this isn’t a rant about how dependent the world is on technology, it’s about a realization that I had upon finding out that everyone is shitty with me today.

I don’t care. I don’t care that anyone is mad at me. I don’t care that I didn’t text anyone back. I don’t care that my roommate (who is also my best friend) is being extremely petty and immature. I’ve been so sad for the past couple months or so. I’ve been going through a kind of breakup (we didn’t date officially so I don’t know if I can use the term breakup), I’ve been dealing with a lot of family issues, and I’ve also “broken up” with a few of my friends. But I’m finally starting to feel okay. Now that I am starting to feel like myself again, I’m done dealing with negativity. None of these things will even matter in another week so why waste my energy worrying about them now?

 


 

What’s changed you may ask? Well i’m still not over the guy I ended things with, but I’m getting there. I think I’m almost okay with being just friends, because we’ve both made it clear that we still want each other in our lives. And even if it didn’t work out how I wanted it to, I found my first love and that’s beautiful. As far as my family goes, things are getting better but overall, I’ve learned to let go of what I can’t change. I’ve also realized that I can’t fix everyone else’s problems and constantly worrying about it isn’t going to do anything either. When it comes to the friends I’ve lost, I mean it sucks but people grow apart and that’s life. I’ve made a lot of new ones lately at work so maybe that’s why I’m more okay with it now too.

I want to be happy again and I’ve come to realize that in order to get there, I need to be a little selfish. I need to put my own needs first and love myself entirely before I can love anyone else. If that means ignoring a text for a couple hours because I’m more interested in what I’m doing at that moment, then I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’ve always thought that being selfish was an awful thing to be, but sometimes it’s just necessary. I’m just sick of putting others first when they don’t think twice about me before doing something.

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I’m a firm believer that if a person keeps being brought back into your life, then it’s for a reason.

For example, the time when I first met the guy who I am crazy about now at a bar. I forgot to get his number and saw him again the following weekend but I then saw him a week later at the library, but didn’t talk to him. About a week later I saw him again all the way across campus and ended up getting his number. After that, I never ran into him on campus ever again even though I went to all of the same places. I kept in contact with him, but it’s as if we were running into each other repeatedly because of fate. It kept happening until I got his number and didn’t lose it, so that we could see each other again.

Or the time last year when I randomly took an Italian class last minute to fill up a gap in my schedule and met a girl named Sierra who I talked to maybe once. Fast forward to the following summer and we somehow got hired for the same job at the same time and now she’s one of my best friends.

I don’t know maybe I’m just being dramatic or am a little tipsy off of wine and stretching things, but my point it, is something or someone keeps reoccurring in your life, then there’s probably a reason for it. Don’t ignore it. The universe is trying to tell you something. Take notice to the things that happen around you and give in to them. Because usually it leads to positive things.