Facebook creeping never leads to anything positive.

I’m at that awkward age where a good amount of my friends have graduated and the other half either haven’t yet or aren’t going to. Strangely enough, it seems as though most of the ones who have graduated all have their shit together and are on their way to leading successful happy lives in big cities with high paying jobs. I would love to be on my way to that, but as of right now, I feel like I’m on my way to the opposite. I’ve always struggled with feeling as though I’m not good enough and with comparing myself to others, but I really don’t know how I’m not expected to do that now. This whole thing about not knowing what I’m doing next year and if I’m going to live up to the expectations of myself and of those around me, has really been weighing on my shoulders hard lately. But to be 100% honest, it just hit me harder than it ever has and the reason why makes me cringe.


I had the night off tonight and have been trying to rest since I worked the majority of the weekend and am physically and mentally exhausted right now. I got on Facebook for some reason and came across my love interest (yes, the same one I’ve been crazy about for months) and clicked on his page to look at a picture that I had seen. We’ve been talking a lot more than we had been and he is actually coming down to visit this weekend. He’s finally started to settle into his job and has made new friends that all seem to have too much money and bad habits, so I’ve been a little worried about him lately. But I’ll address that in more detail later. Anyways, I am on his page and click on his best friend from colleges’ page who I felt like I knew decently well, considering the fact that I was always at their apartment last year. This guy has his shit completely together. He works for a big company, makes bank, and is currently working overseas doing so. A few more clicks and I find out that as of recently, he has a new girlfriend, who is equally successful and absolutely beautiful. When I saw that, something in me snapped. Maybe because I was scared that his friend, whom I am quite fond of to say the least, compares me to his best friend’s girlfriend. I’m younger than they are, but still I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And to be honest, they all have their shit together so much that I look insanely immature and dumb next to them. In case you can’t tell, I’ve been panicking ever since, and can’t help but think, “is this how everyone views me?”

I don’t know. As I’m typing this, I realize that it sounds so dumb, but my entire life has been surrounded around the idea that I’d become this hugely successful woman and have such a better life than I did growing up. But now that I’m coming to the end of my college career, I’m freaking out so hard. The bar for what it means to be successful has been set so high by everyone that surrounds me, and I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t meet those standards. I really need to work on getting it together in the next couple of months.

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wednesday rants.

I’m frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that college students are supposed to pick a major and make a decision that will affect your entire life quite heavily, yet,  your early twenties is one of the most constantly changing times in your life. It’s the time that you figure out just who you really are and what you want. Most people don’t know by their mid twenties so how in the hell am I supposed to make a decision at 19 about what my career will be? About what I will wake up every morning and spend the majority of my time throughout my life doing? When you really think about it, it’s such a dumb concept. I’m a senior in college right now, and although I have picked a major and I do thoroughly enjoy it, I still don’t know if I can see myself doing it for my entire life. I don’t know. The whole concept just doesn’t make sense to me.

I had a cup of coffee and now I’m inspired

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This is the motto that I’m trying so hard to follow right now. Like I said in my last post, I’m trying to focus on myself and my own happiness right now. I’m trying to become a better person. To have more experiences that will help me to grow. I’m trying to find a new job for after college, so that I can be successful and live how I want. I’m trying to be healthier and to be a better friend. I’m just trying to be happy. And I’m trying to accomplish this without needing anyone besides myself. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I wasn’t good enough and chasing others in an attempt to get them to stay in my life. But my self confidence has gotten a million times better and I’m finally starting to realize that I don’t need to chase anyone. I deserve someone who is going to put in work for me. So hopefully is I keep working on myself, I’ll attract the right people and I’ll find happiness.

What do you do when you know it’s the right person, but not the right time?

I haven’t been writing at all lately because I’ve been so caught up in my everyday life. I found out about two weeks ago that the guy I’m crazy about was coming back to our college town to visit and I pretty much zoned out after that and it was my only focus. He came down for the first tailgate of the year. I got the weekend off of work and he bounced between staying with me and staying with his friends that he hadn’t seen much since he graduated. I spent the entire two weeks leading up to him coming obsessing over getting to spend time with him. I was so happy all weekend with him. Now that he went back to his hometown, I really can’t explain how I feel. I’m so glad that I got to see him, but I feel so uneasy at the same time because I have no idea when the next time that I see him will be. Our schedules are so conflicting and our lives are so different right now that it’s so hard to even plan ahead. Not only that, but the fact that we aren’t putting a label on our relationship makes it even more frustrating because being 200 miles away from him for weeks at a time drives me crazy when I don’t know what he’s doing. I don’t mean that in a jealous or possessive way at all. I just let my imagination run wild sometimes and make up all these scenarios in my head that could be happening. I’m trying so hard to do my own thing while he’s away since we aren’t exclusive. But I don’t want to. I just want him. Even though I know that even if we did try right now it wouldn’t work. It’s unreasonable, but when we’re together I feel better than I ever have before. I can truly say that I can imagine myself waking up next to him in a little apartment when we’re thirty and still wanting no one else beside him. It’s the type of feeling that I don’t think comes around very often and that’s why I’m having so much trouble letting it go. For as much as we keep in contact, I know that it’s more for him too. I am just doing my best to make all of the best decisions for myself right now. I’m trying so hard to put myself first and to better myself in my everyday life. I want to be successful and grow as a person before anything serious happens between us. Hopefully if I keep working on myself and my own happiness without him, everything will eventually fall into place. My fingers are crossed.

you could say i’m a little unconventional

tumblr_nooipeZnAo1r630xzo1_1280Whenever I tell people that I don’t really want to have children one day, they act like something is wrong with what I’m saying or that something is wrong with me. But the truth is, it’s just really not a desire of mine or something that I see benefiting my life. When I told my mom this about a year or two ago, all she could tell me was how selfish I was. But I don’t care. I want to live my life to the fullest on my own, traveling, and not having kids hold me back from doing whatever I want whenever I want. I think that being a mom is a beautiful thing and I love each and everyone one of my nieces and nephews, but kids just aren’t for me. If I end up meeting someone and falling in love, I know that this could be a huge dilemma. And who knows, maybe I will meet someone and decide that I do want to have a child with them. But at this point in my life, that’s not on the agenda. I just really hate that it’s looked down upon for a woman to not want to have kids. It’s just not everyone’s cup of tea.

Day 9: Dream Job

If I could have any job in the world, regardless of my college major, I would love to have my own boutique and be a writer for a magazine on the side. Admitting this kind of worries me, because it’s so different than the road that I am actually going down. I’ve talked to a lot of people recently though and have been reassured that there are so many different opportunities that might come my way regardless of what degree I graduate with. I would absolutely love to work for a big magazine. Writing is a passion that I have always had but have never actually took a significant time to do until recently. I still feel like a beginner at it, but I fall in love with it more all of the time. Right now most of my writing is personal reflection on my personal life, but the more that I do write, the more I want to write about different things. It’s definitely something that I will continue to dedicate time too though, whether or not I actually have it as part of my future profession.

Day 2: Where do you want to be in 1o years?

As I’m starting my senior year of college, my future and what I’m actually going to do with my life have both been something that I’ve been thinking about all of the time lately. Ideally, this is what my life in 10 years would look like:

In 10 years, I’ll be 32. I hope to be living in another city, probably Chicago, and to have a nice apartment with high ceilings and walls that are full windows overlooking the city. Hopefully by that time I will be engaged or at least have a serious boyfriend. Although, I do not see myself being married or having children by that point. I hope that whatever job I find after college, that I’m successful enough in it to be able to travel when I want and to afford a moderate lifestyle in the city.

This post is a little challenging for me, because although the future is something that I think about A LOT, I still don’t know exactly what I want out of it. I think that what happens in my life in the next year or two will definitely determine a lot of that for me. In the past 6 months or so, I’ve grown a lot as a person, and everything that I thought that I wanted for myself has changed. Like I said in the last post, I’m trying to go with the flow at this point in my life. I want to take enough chances so that I don’t miss out on any opportunities, but I’m also not trying to plan too far ahead. So when I’m asked, “where do you want to be in 10 years?,” I guess I would just have to say I don’t really know. I have a general idea of the details like I listed above, but overall, in 10 years I just want to be happy. I want to have my life a lot more figured out than I do now, and I want to be spending my time with people that I love. I want how I’m going to pay my rent or my bills to be the last of my worries and just living my life day to day how I please to be my main concern.

Inspired.

I have never considered myself to be wealthy or to come from a wealthy background. When I was younger, things were a lot easier for my family. We never had extra things, but dinner was always on the table and if there was anything that me or my siblings needed, my parents took care of it. If they struggled with money before I was around 14 or 15 years old, then they did a good job of hiding it. When I started high school, my father started to get very ill and his business began to fall under and there were little things that made me start to realize that things were starting to change around my house; empty stockings at Christmas, my mother no longer holding holiday parties, less and less trips to the grocery store, no more family outings, not being able to go anywhere besides school because my parents couldn’t afford gas when the prices started to rise, my brother paying for my prom dress because my parents couldn’t, etc. Even though things weren’t as easy as they had been before, I still wouldn’t have ever said that my life was bad. We got by. It wasn’t easy, but my dad always found a way to make it work.

After my father passed away and his business went under, my mom got a job opportunity out of pure luck that actually started to make our lives somewhat financially okay again.I moved off to college at the same time and my mom and brother fell into expensive habits with prescription drugs. I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until the damage was done, my mom had lost her job. Talking to her began to feel like talking to a brick wall; she was emotionless, didn’t care, didn’t listen, and it was completely pointless. In the past two years since, I’ve had no outside help financially or emotionally with my life. I went from having a big, supportive family, to essentially having no one. There are a lot of other factors that went into the situation, but if I told the story in full, wordpress would probably crash because the post would be so long.

All of the things that have happened to me thus far in life have led me to this point. Broke, alone, and essentially on my own. I’m a full time student and currently have two jobs and I’m attempting to take on a third. I’m not really sure what I’m doing. But I don’t regret the hardships. I am trying my best to embrace them and to learn from them. I now know this is never how I want my life to be. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want to be successful. I don’t want to go back to my hometown after college. I want to move to a new city and start a new leaf. Even if it’s hard, it can’t be much worse than what I’ve already been through. Sitting alone on my couch most nights, eating a can of peas that expired a year ago for dinner, brainstorming how I’m going to make rent, even though I’m working two jobs and that’s still not enough.

This isn’t a sob story. I’m writing this post so that I can look back one day when I’m in my downtown apartment with high ceilings and windows for walls and be humbled. I never want to forget where I came from. I want to always remember that I came from struggle so that I can appreciate my life even more when I get out of this rut one day. The future excites me. I know that life isn’t all sunshine now, and it never will be, not even when my paychecks are a number that I can only dream about now. But it will be worth it.

I think it’s time to start over.

I haven’t written on here for awhile. I got pretty sick about 2 weeks ago and went to Chicago to stay with my sister and nephew. The whole time that I was there, I felt more at home than I have in the past two years. I wasn’t longing to be somewhere else. I didn’t feel forced to stay where I was because I was avoiding being somewhere else. It felt so great. I forgot that feeling. Of feeling comfortable and at ease wherever you are. It made me seriously consider moving there after college. I wish that I could now. I almost wish that I had never signed a lease for next year already. More than anything, I just want to pack up and leave. Get far away from everything and everyone that I know and start over. Because I’m so unhappy here.