I’m at that awkward age where a good amount of my friends have graduated and the other half either haven’t yet or aren’t going to. Strangely enough, it seems as though most of the ones who have graduated all have their shit together and are on their way to leading successful happy lives in big cities with high paying jobs. I would love to be on my way to that, but as of right now, I feel like I’m on my way to the opposite. I’ve always struggled with feeling as though I’m not good enough and with comparing myself to others, but I really don’t know how I’m not expected to do that now. This whole thing about not knowing what I’m doing next year and if I’m going to live up to the expectations of myself and of those around me, has really been weighing on my shoulders hard lately. But to be 100% honest, it just hit me harder than it ever has and the reason why makes me cringe.
I had the night off tonight and have been trying to rest since I worked the majority of the weekend and am physically and mentally exhausted right now. I got on Facebook for some reason and came across my love interest (yes, the same one I’ve been crazy about for months) and clicked on his page to look at a picture that I had seen. We’ve been talking a lot more than we had been and he is actually coming down to visit this weekend. He’s finally started to settle into his job and has made new friends that all seem to have too much money and bad habits, so I’ve been a little worried about him lately. But I’ll address that in more detail later. Anyways, I am on his page and click on his best friend from colleges’ page who I felt like I knew decently well, considering the fact that I was always at their apartment last year. This guy has his shit completely together. He works for a big company, makes bank, and is currently working overseas doing so. A few more clicks and I find out that as of recently, he has a new girlfriend, who is equally successful and absolutely beautiful. When I saw that, something in me snapped. Maybe because I was scared that his friend, whom I am quite fond of to say the least, compares me to his best friend’s girlfriend. I’m younger than they are, but still I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And to be honest, they all have their shit together so much that I look insanely immature and dumb next to them. In case you can’t tell, I’ve been panicking ever since, and can’t help but think, “is this how everyone views me?”
I don’t know. As I’m typing this, I realize that it sounds so dumb, but my entire life has been surrounded around the idea that I’d become this hugely successful woman and have such a better life than I did growing up. But now that I’m coming to the end of my college career, I’m freaking out so hard. The bar for what it means to be successful has been set so high by everyone that surrounds me, and I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t meet those standards. I really need to work on getting it together in the next couple of months.
First things first, I’m back. I haven’t posted on here since a few days before Christmas, and so much has happened in my life in these last 2 months. Part of me feels somewhat guilty that I haven’t kept up with my page at least a little bit, so I feel the need to explain (I’m not sure if I’m doing this more for the people who read my posts or myself to be honest). My laptop got a virus around Christmas time and I managed to put off getting a new one until last week. I don’t know why, but every time I went to write a post on the app on my phone, it just didn’t feel write and I would save it as a draft. I also went through a lot of family drama around Christmas time and sort of lost interest in all other things. I started working more and more and stopped caring about my social life and a lot of the people around me. That also contributed to my absence. But I think the main reason that I stopped writing, was because writing is how I deal with so much of the things that happen to me in my life. And there were so many things that happened all at once, that I just haven’t wanted to think about. So I guess not writing about my problems, was my way of not having to face them. I put them to the back of mind and kept telling myself that I would deal with them later. But I feel like I’m starting to go insane, so I guess it’s time that I come back on here. I hope you all accept me with open arms, because I could really use that right now.
As of lately, when I talk to you, you talk a lot in the past tense. It’s all “you were,” “you did,”we were,” “it was.” And to put it plainly, I hate it.
We barely speak anymore and when we do it’s just small talk. I know you’ve moved on and I’m forcing myself to be okay with it by trying to do the same. But I still can’t completely erase you from my life. A Taylor Swift (ugh, I hate that I am referencing her but) lyric that explains how I feel about you perfectly is, “you’re like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore.” A white dress is symbolic of me and the wine stain is you. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing. I’ve tried everything that I can to get it off of my dress, but it won’t come out. It’s still there. It gets a little fainter over time, but it won’t completely go away. In a sense, the stain is loud; it completely takes over the dress and it’s all you notice when you look at it. You don’t notice the lace detailing or the satin fabric; you just see the stain. Standing out like a sore thumb. In the same way, you have completely taken over me. You’re what I spend the majority of my time thinking about and I can’t get the thoughts to stop. No matter what I do to try to remedy my need for you, I can’t get it to go away. I started seeing other people, I started going out and partying more, I took up more shifts at work to keep myself busy. But you’re always still there.
So when you say things like, “you were,” or “you did,” it just confirms to me that you’ve got the stain out that I left on you. I don’t linger in your thoughts as much anymore. You found something to take it away and you only think about it sometimes.
I never wanted to just be your past tense. I wanted to be part of your past, your present, and your future. I should have spilled more wine on you.
I saw a quote the other day that said something along the lines of, “the older we get, the more and more our Christmas list becomes a list of things that money can’t buy.”
How true is this though? When I think of what I want in my life right now, what I really want, it’s not a new dress or jewelry or a new cell phone. It’s to be content with my life. To have my loved ones happy, financially stable, and safe. It’s for my older brother to get back on his feet and for my mom to stop trying to make everyone else happy and to focus on herself. It’s to be financially stable enough to be okay on my own without help from anyone else. It’s to find a guy who doesn’t have commitment issues or that isn’t emotionally unavailable and to be loved. To have someone to come home to and be able to tell everything to. It’s my relationships to be restored with old friends that I haven’t talked to much in the past year. It’s to go at least one day without feeling overcome by my anxiety and constant need to please others. It’s to be able to have one last conversation with my dad, and to ask for his advice one more time.
Maybe I’m just being dramatic, but it personally feel like there’s a direct correlation between getting older and life becoming harder. What I would do to be the age again where my Christmas list was just toys.
If you asked someone who knows me to describe me, one of the first things that they would say is that I’m a nice person. Yes, this is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it’s almost to the point that it’s a flaw. I don’t always stand up for myself, I tend to let people walk all over me, and I often have trouble saying no to people.
As you all know, lately I’ve been trying to find happiness and my place in the world, and I’ve come to find that it’s extremely hard to do this while being too nice. Sometimes you just have to say no. You have to put someone in their place when they treat you wrong. You have to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, people aren’t going to respect you. They’re going to use you. They’re going to take and take and take as long as you continue to give.
I’m not sure what came over me, but this week something in me snapped. It was probably just a build up of different events where others have taken advantage of my kindness and mistaken it for weakness. A mixture of not being appreciated for all that I do at my job, not being taken seriously by friends, not getting back what I put in to my love life, my family also not taking me seriously. Whatever it was, I hit my breaking point and I am finally starting to realize that I deserve more than what I’m getting out of people. I’ve always had somewhat low self esteem and settle for less. But I am done with that. I’m done with settling. I want what’s best for myself. I want to be happy and I want what I deserve. It’s time for me to start saying no to the things that I don’t want to do. Time to cut the people out of my life that don’t treat me right. Time to stop bending over backwards for people who put little effort into our relationship.
Self respect is a beautiful thing. I’m so happy that I’m finally realizing that I deserve it.
I’ve recently made a ton of changes in my life. Some have been small, while some have been huge. I got a new job. I am changing my major and career path my senior year of college. I chopped of 8 inches of my hair. I finally found the strength to move on from loving someone who doesn’t fully appreciate me. I’ve decided that it’s okay to spend the holiday weekend alone. The list goes on. Even though I know that this will all make me happier in the long run, change isn’t something that comes easy for me and I’ve been stressed out to the max wondering if I am making the right decisions. Half of the time I don’t even feel like I know what I really am doing with my life and feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Then today at around 6 o’clock, I got a little sign that maybe I am on the right path.
I found two feathers in my living room. I have been living alone for the past two months, have not gone outside today or had any windows and doors open, and I have been in my living room since noon. Then suddenly I look over and there are two white fluffy feathers laying 3 feet across from me. One under a painting on my wall and one at the foot of my couch. I had an unusual and explanatory feeling about where they came from. Then I googled, “I found two feathers.” According to hundreds of people, this is a sign from an angel that they are with you, you are on the right path, or that they are there to help. This probably sounds insane or really silly to a lot of people. It even sounds a little silly to me. I mean, I wouldn’t even consider myself a very spiritual person. But as bad as things have been going in my life this summer, and then for them to suddenly change like that have been in the past week or two, it just makes sense to me. Not to mention the fact that there is literally no where where they could have logically came from.
Maybe I’m crazy. Or maybe it really is a sign. Maybe I really am finally headed in the right direction and that my life is about to get a lot better. Either way, I am hopeful.