I’m back and I’m wiser than ever (not really, but I’d like to think so) 

“Don’t wait, time goes on.” “Life doesn’t stop for anyone.” “Life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile you might miss it.” 

Growing up, I’ve heard atleast 20 different variations of these quotes. In movies, in books, quotes I see when I’m scrolling through  Pinterest in a lecture hall, from older and wiser family members (you get the picture). I tend to overlook these quotes every time I hear them, because they’re so overplayed. Recently though, however, I’ve found myself paying a little more attention to them. 

I’m about to graduate college and my life is go go go right now. Between work, school, a dysfunctional family, and trying to maintain a social life between multiple friend groups while simultaneously trying to keep myself from going crazy, I’m lucky if I have an hour to myself every couple of days. Daily phone calls to my sister have become a once a week thing. I haven’t been to the grocery store in over a month because I’m never home long enough to make a home cooked meal. I haven’t written on this page or even in a journal in atleast 2 months, and writing is a love of mine. One of my very best friend’s birthdays passed days ago and I forgot to tell her happy birthday. Days of not hanging out with my closest friend turned into weeks before I even noticed it, until eventually, I don’t even know what’s going on in her life anymore. The list goes on and on, but the point that I’m trying to make is that all of these overused and outplayed quotes about life moving too fast and letting it pass you by if you don’t take a break are so god damn true. Over the past couple of months, I’ve kept asking myself, “At what point does life slow down?” But maybe the real question that I should have been asking is, “at what point do I slow down?”

Life isn’t going to stop. It doesn’t matter who you are. The deadline for your project won’t come any slower, rent won’t be due any later. Over time people will completely change from when you first met them, yourself included. Loved ones will come and go. So don’t get so caught up in such trivial things that you miss a friend’s birthday or that you don’t end up calling your sister. When your life is moving fast, it’s easy to forget these things. But I can assure you that the other person will not forget and they will notice when you don’t call or visit or send the text or whatever. I’m starting to realize that it’s okay to “stop and smell the roses” every once in awhile or to take the time to sit down and drink your coffee in the morning. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel as though our society has begun to make these things out to be a waste of time. Every thing is beginning to become about convienence and getting things done in as little time as possible so that we can have more time to do more meaningless things in our day. But I don’t want to keep living this way. When I go in to a restaurant, I want to sit down and enjoy my time with the person that I’m with and not worry about getting home in time to work on a paper. I want to take the long way to class so that I can walk past the lilac bushes near the psychology building because they’re my favorite flower and they remind me of my mom and of my childhood home. I want to lay in bed for an extra 20 minutes and be a little late for work so that I feel more well rested and am in a better mood throughout the day. I want to stay in the car and listen to the ending of my favorite song. What I’m trying to say, is that I want to take the time to live my life. I don’t want to rush through it trying to finish my next project or get to the next place that I think I need to be. I want to slow down and enjoy it with the people around me. 

Facebook creeping never leads to anything positive.

I’m at that awkward age where a good amount of my friends have graduated and the other half either haven’t yet or aren’t going to. Strangely enough, it seems as though most of the ones who have graduated all have their shit together and are on their way to leading successful happy lives in big cities with high paying jobs. I would love to be on my way to that, but as of right now, I feel like I’m on my way to the opposite. I’ve always struggled with feeling as though I’m not good enough and with comparing myself to others, but I really don’t know how I’m not expected to do that now. This whole thing about not knowing what I’m doing next year and if I’m going to live up to the expectations of myself and of those around me, has really been weighing on my shoulders hard lately. But to be 100% honest, it just hit me harder than it ever has and the reason why makes me cringe.


I had the night off tonight and have been trying to rest since I worked the majority of the weekend and am physically and mentally exhausted right now. I got on Facebook for some reason and came across my love interest (yes, the same one I’ve been crazy about for months) and clicked on his page to look at a picture that I had seen. We’ve been talking a lot more than we had been and he is actually coming down to visit this weekend. He’s finally started to settle into his job and has made new friends that all seem to have too much money and bad habits, so I’ve been a little worried about him lately. But I’ll address that in more detail later. Anyways, I am on his page and click on his best friend from colleges’ page who I felt like I knew decently well, considering the fact that I was always at their apartment last year. This guy has his shit completely together. He works for a big company, makes bank, and is currently working overseas doing so. A few more clicks and I find out that as of recently, he has a new girlfriend, who is equally successful and absolutely beautiful. When I saw that, something in me snapped. Maybe because I was scared that his friend, whom I am quite fond of to say the least, compares me to his best friend’s girlfriend. I’m younger than they are, but still I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And to be honest, they all have their shit together so much that I look insanely immature and dumb next to them. In case you can’t tell, I’ve been panicking ever since, and can’t help but think, “is this how everyone views me?”

I don’t know. As I’m typing this, I realize that it sounds so dumb, but my entire life has been surrounded around the idea that I’d become this hugely successful woman and have such a better life than I did growing up. But now that I’m coming to the end of my college career, I’m freaking out so hard. The bar for what it means to be successful has been set so high by everyone that surrounds me, and I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t meet those standards. I really need to work on getting it together in the next couple of months.

things i hate ft. past tense verbs

As of lately, when I talk to you, you talk a lot in the past tense. It’s all “you were,” “you did,”we were,” “it was.” And to put it plainly, I hate it.

We barely speak anymore and when we do it’s just small talk. I know you’ve moved on and I’m forcing myself to be okay with it by trying to do the same. But I still can’t completely erase you from my life. A Taylor Swift (ugh, I hate that I am referencing her but) lyric that explains how I feel about you perfectly is, “you’re like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore.” A white dress is symbolic of me and the wine stain is you. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing. I’ve tried everything that I can to get it off of my dress, but it won’t come out. It’s still there. It gets a little fainter over time, but it won’t completely go away. In a sense, the stain is loud; it completely takes over the dress and it’s all you notice when you look at it. You don’t notice the lace detailing or the satin fabric; you just see the stain. Standing out like a sore thumb. In the same way, you have completely taken over me. You’re what I spend the majority of my time thinking about and I can’t get the thoughts to stop. No matter what I do to try to remedy my need for you, I can’t get it to go away. I started seeing other people, I started going out and partying more, I took up more shifts at work to keep myself busy. But you’re always still there.

So when you say things like, “you were,” or “you did,” it just confirms to me that you’ve got the stain out that I left on you. I don’t linger in your thoughts as much anymore. You found something to take it away and you only think about it sometimes.

I never wanted to just be your past tense. I wanted to be part of your past, your present, and your future. I should have spilled more wine on you.

moral of the story: life was easier when I was 7

I saw a quote the other day that said something along the lines of, “the older we get, the more and more our Christmas list becomes a list of things that money can’t buy.”

Wow.

How true is this though? When I think of what I want in my life right now, what I really want, it’s not a new dress or jewelry or a new cell phone. It’s to be content with my life. To have my loved ones happy, financially stable, and safe. It’s for my older brother to get back on his feet and for my mom to stop trying to make everyone else happy and to focus on herself. It’s to be financially stable enough to be okay on my own without help from anyone else. It’s to find a guy who doesn’t have commitment issues or that isn’t emotionally unavailable and to be loved. To have someone to come home to and be able to tell everything to. It’s my relationships to be restored with old friends that I haven’t talked to much in the past year. It’s to go at least one day without feeling overcome by my anxiety and constant need to please others. It’s to be able to have one last conversation with my dad, and to ask for his advice one more time.

Maybe I’m just being dramatic, but it personally feel like there’s a direct correlation between getting older and life becoming harder. What I would do to be the age again where my Christmas list was just toys.

 

 

It happened; I’ve finally had enough.

If you asked someone who knows me to describe me, one of the first things that they would say is that I’m a nice person. Yes, this is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it’s almost to the point that it’s a flaw. I don’t always stand up for myself, I tend to let people walk all over me, and I often have trouble saying no to people.

As you all know, lately I’ve been trying to find happiness and my place in the world, and I’ve come to find that it’s extremely hard to do this while being too nice. Sometimes you just have to say no. You have to put someone in their place when they treat you wrong. You have to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, people aren’t going to respect you. They’re going to use you. They’re going to take and take and take as long as you continue to give.

I’m not sure what came over me, but this week something in me snapped. It was probably just a build up of different events where others have taken advantage of my kindness and mistaken it for weakness. A mixture of not being appreciated for all that I do at my job, not being taken seriously by friends, not getting back what I put in to my love life, my family also not taking me seriously. Whatever it was, I hit my breaking point and I am finally starting to realize that I deserve more than what I’m getting out of people. I’ve always had somewhat low self esteem and settle for less. But I am done with that. I’m done with settling. I want what’s best for myself. I want to be happy and I want what I deserve. It’s time for me to start saying no to the things that I don’t want to do. Time to cut the people out of my life that don’t treat me right. Time to stop bending over backwards for people who put little effort into our relationship.

Self respect is a beautiful thing. I’m so happy that I’m finally realizing that I deserve it.

thursday motivation

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I saw this recently and felt a little inspired by it. So many times I find myself and see the people around me doing something because they feel like they have to. Whether if it’s to make someone else happy or because they feel like they have no other choice. But I am here to tell you that this is not the way life should be. Only do something because YOU want to. I lived my life for far too long trying to please others. And it’s pointless.

Do what you want, when you want. And don’t apologize for it.

i’m changing like the seasons

I’ve been feeling a major sense of change lately as I discussed in my last post, but I’m starting to think that maybe it goes deeper than the seasons. I think it has a lot to do with the changes taking place with my family, my love life, and just with myself in general as I’m starting to get older and I’m about to graduate college. The other day, my horoscope told me that it’s time for me to embrace and to “change my sheets.” I think that the change my sheets part was a metaphor for ridding my life of the things that I’m still holding on to. I’ve been holding on to this little piece of hope for months now hoping that things will work out with the guy that I’m in love with. We both keep trying to make it work, and every time he says he’s done, he always comes back. And I do the same. But with the time change and the distance and him getting our of work when I go into work and vice versa, it feels impossible. Still, I’ve been patient. I’ve been understanding. I’ve given him space to figure things out. All the while, I’ve been ignoring the fact that it has to stop at some point because it’s really starting to take a toll on my happiness. I think he’s realized this too and knows that it’s time to move on. I think I’m finally ready to move on. I know that it’s going to be crazy hard, but hopefully within a couple months, I’ll feel better about it. So I’m trying to “change the sheets of my life.” As far as my family goes, I’m trying to grow in my relationships with my mom and brother which life has taken a toll on recently. I’m trying to go visit my sister more and to spend more time with my little nephew. I think right now it would be best for me to just focus on school and work and my family. I think it will help me take my mind off of my love life situation and just allow me to be happier in the long run.

what i hate more than anything

It breaks my heart to see people’s lives affected negatively by drugs again and again. It seems like almost everyday I hear something about how a friend or a friend of a friend is taking some type of prescription drug that they’re not prescribed. Having come from a family where addiction runs deep, I know just how dangerous prescription drugs are and how giving into them every now and then can end up leading to a life long struggle. I go to a Big Ten college that has a student population of over 45,000. It’s a predominantly wealthy school and drugs are everywhere. The party scene here is huge and so is the demand for drugs. Everyone I know is constantly surrounded by them so it’s no wonder that so many people here do them. But whether you’re at a college surrounded by rich kids who love to get messed up or out in the real world working a 9 to 5 job, prescription drugs are everywhere and insanely easy to get a hold of. The real tragedy about them is how addicting they are and how they completely change the personality of the person on them. I’ve watched people lose everything from their family to their teeth just from prescription drugs. They completely change a person. I really can’t stress that enough.

wednesday rants.

I’m frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that college students are supposed to pick a major and make a decision that will affect your entire life quite heavily, yet,  your early twenties is one of the most constantly changing times in your life. It’s the time that you figure out just who you really are and what you want. Most people don’t know by their mid twenties so how in the hell am I supposed to make a decision at 19 about what my career will be? About what I will wake up every morning and spend the majority of my time throughout my life doing? When you really think about it, it’s such a dumb concept. I’m a senior in college right now, and although I have picked a major and I do thoroughly enjoy it, I still don’t know if I can see myself doing it for my entire life. I don’t know. The whole concept just doesn’t make sense to me.

One big ugh

I hate the idea of the person that I want to be with being with someone else. It scares me more than anything to think that it’s possible for another girl to make him happier than I can. We already discussed our feelings for each other and we both agreed that now isn’t the right time for us to be together. It’s unreasonable and it just wouldn’t work with the distance, time change, and conflicting schedules. I know all of this and I agreed to it, so why does it hurt so bad to know he is seeing other people. It sounds so selfish. But I really can’t help it. Even if we go days without talking, it’s not long before he calls or texts and checks in with me. It’s like he can’t stop coming back. And I’m the same way. If I’m with someone else, he’s who I’m really thinking about. I know it’s the same for him. But the problem is that I don’t even want to give others the time of day, meanwhile he’s seeing other people all of the time. I’m 100% aware that I’m wasting my time, yet I still can’t bring myself to stop. I’m so over being this way.