Another time I related to Carrie Bradshaw; Holiday Edition

; Half of an edible and an hour later, it’s almost 2 o’clock in the morning, and I still can’t fall asleep. I just googled a very specific type of shoe that I wanted and ended up on an article that led me to another article that led me to about 3 more until I somehow (I actually don’t know how this happened), led me to an article about scenes in sex and the city that every day people can relate to. At the end of the article, it suggested that users on the website respond back with what SATC moment they related to the most.

As someone who adores the show and watches reruns of it all the time, it really got me thinking. I already find a lot of the show extremely relatable; being a young, single women in a bigger city, so figuring out what one moment I identify with most was a bit of a challenge.

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Probably because of the experiences that I’m currently having in my own life, there was a particular scene that stood out to me more than others. I couldn’t remember if it was from the movie or from an episode of the tv show, but it’s the scene where Carrie is spending a holiday all alone (either Christmas or New Years Eve, I don’t fully remember). She rambles on about some lesson that she had recently learned in the background, while you see her sitting at her desk in her perfect Manhattan apartment typing an article of her laptop. The tone is melancholy, yet hopeful. She doesn’t seem to be sad about spending the holiday alone, and ends up curling up in a chair with a hot cup of tea. The fact that the holidays are so centered around family and loved ones, makes the viewers feel bad for her. She’s not with any family or friends or a significant other. Instead, she’s by herself. But she’s okay. What I didn’t at first realize, was that even though she was alone in that moment, she was not lonely. The difference is that to be alone means to have no one by your side at the moment, but to feel lonely isn’t based off of how many people are around you. It’s based off of how you feel whether you’re by yourself or in a large crowd. Even though Carrie wasn’t sharing Christmas Eve with another person, she knew that she would wake up the next morning and her phone would ring and it would be one of her friends who loved her. She knew that the next day she would also probably meet up with her friends for lunch in the next day or two. She would call Mr. Big and have a witty conversation with him. Carrie had many people in her life who loved her, regardless of whether they were there in that moment or not.

With my family being spread all over the globe and with feeling more distant than ever from them, I can’t help but to relate. This holiday season feels like I am especially alone. However, I know that in another week or two, I will be fine. I’ll be reunited with everyone from out of town.It’s just so hard to spend a day all by yourself that is supposed to be the one day of the year when everyone drops everything and comes together. Usually, I love Christmas. My family gets a real tree, my mom hangs up everyone’s personalized stockings and you can barely move in our house their are so many decorations. We make my grandma’s homemade Christmas cookie recipe and bake pies and a ham. We have a Christmas story on repeat and my family spends the weekends at mom’s. But this year, it’s just me in my little apartment. No decorations, none of grandma’s famous Christmas cookies, no family. But I’ll be fine. A couple days will pass and life will go back to normal. The holidays will be another year away. Here’s to hoping next year I have someone to spend it with.

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Dear High School Me,

It’s one of those nights where I’m spending hours looking through my tagged photos on Facebook from high school instead of sleeping. It’s crazy to really look back and see how much has changed since then. Looking back through all of those pictures made me realize how much I wished I could go back and tell myself all of the things that I needed to hear at the time. If I had the chance, here’s what I would say.

The first thing that I would say is: hold on to these girls. Times will be tough and you will grow apart, but do not let them go. Time and time again they will prove to be the people who know you best. At the end of the day, they are the ones who are still going to know you better than anyone else even when you’re in college and you’ve barely been in contact for the past 2 years. They are the definition of what best friends should be. Love them with all of your heart and always always always appreciate them. They’ve stuck by you for everything. Don’t forget that.

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The second thing that I would tell my high school self is don’t lose sight of what’s really important. When I was young, I took my family for granted constantly. I thought that they would always be there and that at that time, spending time with my friends was more important because I suffered from serious FOMO. But I should have been worried more about my family. Fast forward 5 years later and my dad has passed away. Most of my relationships are strained, distant, or just not the same.

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Next, I would write her an entire novel about relationship advice. I came across this photo tonight on Facebook of me and my first serious boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in at least 3-4 years and only hear about bits and pieces of his current life every now and then through mutual friends.  Thinking back, I was truly happy with him for the first year or so of our relationship. Looking at the picture of us below, I think that that is pretty evident. He made me happy and he was the first guy that I ever had strong feelings for. But if I could go back now, I would tell myself to just enjoy my time with him. To not take our relationship to seriously and to let go of my insecurities. I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I shouldn’t spend my time picking at him for things that he should fix. Rather, I would focus more on what I needed to work on. He did the best he could for me. And instead of asking for more, I should have appreciated it. Because relationships aren’t about grand gestures and everyone else thinking you’re “goals.” They’re about the feeling that you get when you get to see them after a long day at work. They’re about how nice it feels to spend days doing nothing with them and enjoying little things like taking drives in the summer with the windows rolled down. If I could talk to myself right after we broke up, I would tell myself to just let go. I am young. I have so much more life ahead of me and though it may feel like the end of the world now, I have so much more to learn before I can fully love someone. He was everything that I thought that I needed at the time, but he was not “it.” And neither were any of the other guys who I would fall for in the next 5 years. If one ends, don’t let it end you. There will always be other guys and that’s that. One day you will look at someone the way you’re looking at your ex boyfriend from high school in this picture, but it won’t be at your locker in between 3rd and 4th period. It will be every morning when you wake up next to him and your heart will be full and your worries will fade as you trace his lips with your fingertips. And I’m not talking about a husband, you might have 3 or 4 of these kinds guys in your life. Men come and  go and so do your feelings for them. But don’t let it rule you.

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Another thing that I would say to my high school self is to just enjoy the moment that you are living in. As awful and as pessimistic as it sounds, no matter how bad it seems, it will get so much worse. You’ll be 22 in college: completely on your own, living from paycheck to paycheck, you’ll lose family members that you thought you couldn’t live without, people will change in ways that you didn’t think possible, you’ll hate yourself at multiple points, and you’ll grow apart from life long friends. The high school drama and the fact that your mom won’t buy you the prom dress that you want will become laughable compared to the other dilemmas that you will face. But right now, you’re young and it’s okay to be carefree and make dumb mistakes. So do it as much as you possibly can while you still can.

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One last thing that I would tell my high school self is that you are a beautiful and intelligent young woman. You have so much more potential to grow and you will become stronger than you even think is possible. Don’t worry about what other people think. And for the last time, YOU ARE NOT FAT. You have a beautiful body and you will look back 5 years from now and laugh at how stupid you were to think that you looked so bad. I’d also tell myself to be easier on my mom, because she has it harder than I think. And not just to be easier on her, but to be easier on everyone who messes up. I’m not perfect, so don’t expect others to be. Just slow down and take a deep breath. Stop worrying about things that don’t matter and about things that you cannot change. Don’t take things for granted, but also don’t take them too seriously. Live in the moment, but if it’s not going how you want it to, remember that it won’t be this way forever. Enjoy the people and the places that make up your life today, because they might not be there or the same tomorrow. It’s okay to mess up so long as you learn from your mistakes. This is your life, so do what you want when you want. And always always always enjoy the little moments, because they are the ones that you will cherish most. 251318_10150632319365608_5033901_n

cheesy

I’m a firm believer that if a person keeps being brought back into your life, then it’s for a reason.

For example, the time when I first met the guy who I am crazy about now at a bar. I forgot to get his number and saw him again the following weekend but I then saw him a week later at the library, but didn’t talk to him. About a week later I saw him again all the way across campus and ended up getting his number. After that, I never ran into him on campus ever again even though I went to all of the same places. I kept in contact with him, but it’s as if we were running into each other repeatedly because of fate. It kept happening until I got his number and didn’t lose it, so that we could see each other again.

Or the time last year when I randomly took an Italian class last minute to fill up a gap in my schedule and met a girl named Sierra who I talked to maybe once. Fast forward to the following summer and we somehow got hired for the same job at the same time and now she’s one of my best friends.

I don’t know maybe I’m just being dramatic or am a little tipsy off of wine and stretching things, but my point it, is something or someone keeps reoccurring in your life, then there’s probably a reason for it. Don’t ignore it. The universe is trying to tell you something. Take notice to the things that happen around you and give in to them. Because usually it leads to positive things.

It happened; I’ve finally had enough.

If you asked someone who knows me to describe me, one of the first things that they would say is that I’m a nice person. Yes, this is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it’s almost to the point that it’s a flaw. I don’t always stand up for myself, I tend to let people walk all over me, and I often have trouble saying no to people.

As you all know, lately I’ve been trying to find happiness and my place in the world, and I’ve come to find that it’s extremely hard to do this while being too nice. Sometimes you just have to say no. You have to put someone in their place when they treat you wrong. You have to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, people aren’t going to respect you. They’re going to use you. They’re going to take and take and take as long as you continue to give.

I’m not sure what came over me, but this week something in me snapped. It was probably just a build up of different events where others have taken advantage of my kindness and mistaken it for weakness. A mixture of not being appreciated for all that I do at my job, not being taken seriously by friends, not getting back what I put in to my love life, my family also not taking me seriously. Whatever it was, I hit my breaking point and I am finally starting to realize that I deserve more than what I’m getting out of people. I’ve always had somewhat low self esteem and settle for less. But I am done with that. I’m done with settling. I want what’s best for myself. I want to be happy and I want what I deserve. It’s time for me to start saying no to the things that I don’t want to do. Time to cut the people out of my life that don’t treat me right. Time to stop bending over backwards for people who put little effort into our relationship.

Self respect is a beautiful thing. I’m so happy that I’m finally realizing that I deserve it.

what i hate more than anything

It breaks my heart to see people’s lives affected negatively by drugs again and again. It seems like almost everyday I hear something about how a friend or a friend of a friend is taking some type of prescription drug that they’re not prescribed. Having come from a family where addiction runs deep, I know just how dangerous prescription drugs are and how giving into them every now and then can end up leading to a life long struggle. I go to a Big Ten college that has a student population of over 45,000. It’s a predominantly wealthy school and drugs are everywhere. The party scene here is huge and so is the demand for drugs. Everyone I know is constantly surrounded by them so it’s no wonder that so many people here do them. But whether you’re at a college surrounded by rich kids who love to get messed up or out in the real world working a 9 to 5 job, prescription drugs are everywhere and insanely easy to get a hold of. The real tragedy about them is how addicting they are and how they completely change the personality of the person on them. I’ve watched people lose everything from their family to their teeth just from prescription drugs. They completely change a person. I really can’t stress that enough.

wednesday rants.

I’m frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that college students are supposed to pick a major and make a decision that will affect your entire life quite heavily, yet,  your early twenties is one of the most constantly changing times in your life. It’s the time that you figure out just who you really are and what you want. Most people don’t know by their mid twenties so how in the hell am I supposed to make a decision at 19 about what my career will be? About what I will wake up every morning and spend the majority of my time throughout my life doing? When you really think about it, it’s such a dumb concept. I’m a senior in college right now, and although I have picked a major and I do thoroughly enjoy it, I still don’t know if I can see myself doing it for my entire life. I don’t know. The whole concept just doesn’t make sense to me.

I’m blaming my problems on Mercury retrograde. Mature.

I’ve been working so much lately that I haven’t had the time to write. I’ve also made a lot more friends and have been going out with them quite often since school started back up. But basically my life has gotten a lot more confusing in the past month and I’m not as sure about everything as I was at the end of summer. Some of the people that I was closest with this summer have become so shady and have been lying and blowing me off. And I mean, I’m 22 years old. I’m at the point where if I feel like my relationship with someone isn’t contributing to my life positively or is making me constantly unhappy, then I’m going to try my best to let it go. I’m the type of person who cares deeply for the people around me and it’s not always easy to let people go, but if you push me far enough, I will cut you off. I still have a lot of friends who are great people, but I’m finding more and more that them people that I’ve met in college can’t relate to me on so many levels. They all come from such sheltered backgrounds, which isn’t their fault, but I still can’t stand how shallow they can sometimes be. Aside from all of that, I work so much that I feel like I don’t even have time to breathe sometimes. I love the people that I work with so it makes it bearable, but I’m so sick of being under appreciated for all of the time that I put in, especially when I’m the only one willing to do so. I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately. My energy has been down and I’m having trouble seeing the bright side of things. Being a big believer in astrology, I’ve been blaming it on Mercury being in retrograde. There’s only about a month more of that to go, so I’m hoping if I push through, things will get better. Here’s to hoping at least.

One big ugh

I hate the idea of the person that I want to be with being with someone else. It scares me more than anything to think that it’s possible for another girl to make him happier than I can. We already discussed our feelings for each other and we both agreed that now isn’t the right time for us to be together. It’s unreasonable and it just wouldn’t work with the distance, time change, and conflicting schedules. I know all of this and I agreed to it, so why does it hurt so bad to know he is seeing other people. It sounds so selfish. But I really can’t help it. Even if we go days without talking, it’s not long before he calls or texts and checks in with me. It’s like he can’t stop coming back. And I’m the same way. If I’m with someone else, he’s who I’m really thinking about. I know it’s the same for him. But the problem is that I don’t even want to give others the time of day, meanwhile he’s seeing other people all of the time. I’m 100% aware that I’m wasting my time, yet I still can’t bring myself to stop. I’m so over being this way.

I had a cup of coffee and now I’m inspired

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This is the motto that I’m trying so hard to follow right now. Like I said in my last post, I’m trying to focus on myself and my own happiness right now. I’m trying to become a better person. To have more experiences that will help me to grow. I’m trying to find a new job for after college, so that I can be successful and live how I want. I’m trying to be healthier and to be a better friend. I’m just trying to be happy. And I’m trying to accomplish this without needing anyone besides myself. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I wasn’t good enough and chasing others in an attempt to get them to stay in my life. But my self confidence has gotten a million times better and I’m finally starting to realize that I don’t need to chase anyone. I deserve someone who is going to put in work for me. So hopefully is I keep working on myself, I’ll attract the right people and I’ll find happiness.