I’m a firm believer that if a person keeps being brought back into your life, then it’s for a reason.
For example, the time when I first met the guy who I am crazy about now at a bar. I forgot to get his number and saw him again the following weekend but I then saw him a week later at the library, but didn’t talk to him. About a week later I saw him again all the way across campus and ended up getting his number. After that, I never ran into him on campus ever again even though I went to all of the same places. I kept in contact with him, but it’s as if we were running into each other repeatedly because of fate. It kept happening until I got his number and didn’t lose it, so that we could see each other again.
Or the time last year when I randomly took an Italian class last minute to fill up a gap in my schedule and met a girl named Sierra who I talked to maybe once. Fast forward to the following summer and we somehow got hired for the same job at the same time and now she’s one of my best friends.
I don’t know maybe I’m just being dramatic or am a little tipsy off of wine and stretching things, but my point it, is something or someone keeps reoccurring in your life, then there’s probably a reason for it. Don’t ignore it. The universe is trying to tell you something. Take notice to the things that happen around you and give in to them. Because usually it leads to positive things.
I saw a quote the other day that said something along the lines of, “the older we get, the more and more our Christmas list becomes a list of things that money can’t buy.”
How true is this though? When I think of what I want in my life right now, what I really want, it’s not a new dress or jewelry or a new cell phone. It’s to be content with my life. To have my loved ones happy, financially stable, and safe. It’s for my older brother to get back on his feet and for my mom to stop trying to make everyone else happy and to focus on herself. It’s to be financially stable enough to be okay on my own without help from anyone else. It’s to find a guy who doesn’t have commitment issues or that isn’t emotionally unavailable and to be loved. To have someone to come home to and be able to tell everything to. It’s my relationships to be restored with old friends that I haven’t talked to much in the past year. It’s to go at least one day without feeling overcome by my anxiety and constant need to please others. It’s to be able to have one last conversation with my dad, and to ask for his advice one more time.
Maybe I’m just being dramatic, but it personally feel like there’s a direct correlation between getting older and life becoming harder. What I would do to be the age again where my Christmas list was just toys.
As of lately, I haven’t really been feeling like myself. I keep trying to be positive, but I’m stuck in a gloomy slump. I don’t feel excited about much and I feel as though I don’t really have anything to look forward to right now. I’m trying so hard to get out of it, because I really do have so much to be grateful for. It’s as if everything in my life went from great to just okay. I mean that’s not bad, but an okay life isn’t one that I want to live. I want to be bursting with happiness or at least some type of emotion. I want to live wildly. But lately it feels like I’m not really living, I’m just going through the days. I keep waiting for it to pass, but it has yet too. I randomly get in these slumps every couple of months where I just don’t feel like myself.
My sister and I were talking on the phone the other day and we were discussing how we both start to feel somewhat sad and sentimental every time the seasons change or if there’s just a big life change in general. It’s something that I’ve felt for as long as I can remember and it’s such a strong feeling that it affects my life for weeks after the change starts to set in. The change we were specifically talking about was the change of seasons from summer to autumn. She lives in Chicago and I go to school in a Southern Indiana town but the change for both of us was very sudden. The days have gotten shorter and cooler, and the leaves are starting to change color and fall. I love this time of year. I love the rusty oranges and reds and browns of fall. I love the food and hot apple cider on a cold rainy morning. I love wearing big sweaters that are comfortable enough to sleep in. It sounds corny but I really love everything about this season. I think it goes back to how excited my mom and I would get when I was little for Halloween time. Autumn makes me think of her. The colors, the foods, the smells. Everything. She loves it all. She used to make apple pies and keep apple cider with cinnamon sticks in the crock pot all the time during this time of year. She’d decorate every inch of our house with Halloween decorations and keep bowls of candy corn and candy pumpkins on our dining room table and I’d eat a handful every afternoon when I got home from school. This time of year always makes me happy even when things aren’t always going smoothly in my life. I’m just waiting for the sad from the change to pass so I can enjoy it.
I’m frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that college students are supposed to pick a major and make a decision that will affect your entire life quite heavily, yet, your early twenties is one of the most constantly changing times in your life. It’s the time that you figure out just who you really are and what you want. Most people don’t know by their mid twenties so how in the hell am I supposed to make a decision at 19 about what my career will be? About what I will wake up every morning and spend the majority of my time throughout my life doing? When you really think about it, it’s such a dumb concept. I’m a senior in college right now, and although I have picked a major and I do thoroughly enjoy it, I still don’t know if I can see myself doing it for my entire life. I don’t know. The whole concept just doesn’t make sense to me.
I’ve been working so much lately that I haven’t had the time to write. I’ve also made a lot more friends and have been going out with them quite often since school started back up. But basically my life has gotten a lot more confusing in the past month and I’m not as sure about everything as I was at the end of summer. Some of the people that I was closest with this summer have become so shady and have been lying and blowing me off. And I mean, I’m 22 years old. I’m at the point where if I feel like my relationship with someone isn’t contributing to my life positively or is making me constantly unhappy, then I’m going to try my best to let it go. I’m the type of person who cares deeply for the people around me and it’s not always easy to let people go, but if you push me far enough, I will cut you off. I still have a lot of friends who are great people, but I’m finding more and more that them people that I’ve met in college can’t relate to me on so many levels. They all come from such sheltered backgrounds, which isn’t their fault, but I still can’t stand how shallow they can sometimes be. Aside from all of that, I work so much that I feel like I don’t even have time to breathe sometimes. I love the people that I work with so it makes it bearable, but I’m so sick of being under appreciated for all of the time that I put in, especially when I’m the only one willing to do so. I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately. My energy has been down and I’m having trouble seeing the bright side of things. Being a big believer in astrology, I’ve been blaming it on Mercury being in retrograde. There’s only about a month more of that to go, so I’m hoping if I push through, things will get better. Here’s to hoping at least.
I hate the idea of the person that I want to be with being with someone else. It scares me more than anything to think that it’s possible for another girl to make him happier than I can. We already discussed our feelings for each other and we both agreed that now isn’t the right time for us to be together. It’s unreasonable and it just wouldn’t work with the distance, time change, and conflicting schedules. I know all of this and I agreed to it, so why does it hurt so bad to know he is seeing other people. It sounds so selfish. But I really can’t help it. Even if we go days without talking, it’s not long before he calls or texts and checks in with me. It’s like he can’t stop coming back. And I’m the same way. If I’m with someone else, he’s who I’m really thinking about. I know it’s the same for him. But the problem is that I don’t even want to give others the time of day, meanwhile he’s seeing other people all of the time. I’m 100% aware that I’m wasting my time, yet I still can’t bring myself to stop. I’m so over being this way.
This is the motto that I’m trying so hard to follow right now. Like I said in my last post, I’m trying to focus on myself and my own happiness right now. I’m trying to become a better person. To have more experiences that will help me to grow. I’m trying to find a new job for after college, so that I can be successful and live how I want. I’m trying to be healthier and to be a better friend. I’m just trying to be happy. And I’m trying to accomplish this without needing anyone besides myself. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I wasn’t good enough and chasing others in an attempt to get them to stay in my life. But my self confidence has gotten a million times better and I’m finally starting to realize that I don’t need to chase anyone. I deserve someone who is going to put in work for me. So hopefully is I keep working on myself, I’ll attract the right people and I’ll find happiness.
I haven’t been writing at all lately because I’ve been so caught up in my everyday life. I found out about two weeks ago that the guy I’m crazy about was coming back to our college town to visit and I pretty much zoned out after that and it was my only focus. He came down for the first tailgate of the year. I got the weekend off of work and he bounced between staying with me and staying with his friends that he hadn’t seen much since he graduated. I spent the entire two weeks leading up to him coming obsessing over getting to spend time with him. I was so happy all weekend with him. Now that he went back to his hometown, I really can’t explain how I feel. I’m so glad that I got to see him, but I feel so uneasy at the same time because I have no idea when the next time that I see him will be. Our schedules are so conflicting and our lives are so different right now that it’s so hard to even plan ahead. Not only that, but the fact that we aren’t putting a label on our relationship makes it even more frustrating because being 200 miles away from him for weeks at a time drives me crazy when I don’t know what he’s doing. I don’t mean that in a jealous or possessive way at all. I just let my imagination run wild sometimes and make up all these scenarios in my head that could be happening. I’m trying so hard to do my own thing while he’s away since we aren’t exclusive. But I don’t want to. I just want him. Even though I know that even if we did try right now it wouldn’t work. It’s unreasonable, but when we’re together I feel better than I ever have before. I can truly say that I can imagine myself waking up next to him in a little apartment when we’re thirty and still wanting no one else beside him. It’s the type of feeling that I don’t think comes around very often and that’s why I’m having so much trouble letting it go. For as much as we keep in contact, I know that it’s more for him too. I am just doing my best to make all of the best decisions for myself right now. I’m trying so hard to put myself first and to better myself in my everyday life. I want to be successful and grow as a person before anything serious happens between us. Hopefully if I keep working on myself and my own happiness without him, everything will eventually fall into place. My fingers are crossed.