I hate the idea of the person that I want to be with being with someone else. It scares me more than anything to think that it’s possible for another girl to make him happier than I can. We already discussed our feelings for each other and we both agreed that now isn’t the right time for us to be together. It’s unreasonable and it just wouldn’t work with the distance, time change, and conflicting schedules. I know all of this and I agreed to it, so why does it hurt so bad to know he is seeing other people. It sounds so selfish. But I really can’t help it. Even if we go days without talking, it’s not long before he calls or texts and checks in with me. It’s like he can’t stop coming back. And I’m the same way. If I’m with someone else, he’s who I’m really thinking about. I know it’s the same for him. But the problem is that I don’t even want to give others the time of day, meanwhile he’s seeing other people all of the time. I’m 100% aware that I’m wasting my time, yet I still can’t bring myself to stop. I’m so over being this way.
First things first, I really hope that I don’t offend anyone with this post. I just feel hurt and stupid that I dated this guy for over a year and somehow didn’t know. Our relationship didn’t end on bad terms and I never hated him. But now I just feel like he lied to me the entire time that we were together. I know that people will say “oh well he was just confused he wasn’t trying to hurt you” and I know that that is partly true. But I still can’t help but feel incredibly stupid right now. What really upsets me is that he didn’t even bother to tell me. I heard this from a close friend. Personally, I feel like he should have told me out of respect. I come from a very small, conservative, close-knit town and I know that everyone is going to be judging the fuck out of me for it. Granted, I shouldn’t be worried about what other people think or are saying about me but sometimes I just can’t help it. This is just one more reason for me to move away and to never come back to this place. Everywhere I go, I see someone that I know or that I went to high school with and I am so over. I am so ready to go explore the world and to get away from all of the negative people that I know. I feel like all they do is bring me down and I desperately need to get away from that.
I just feel lost. I have no one to talk to about this because I feel like everyone is just laughing at me. And deep down, I really do want him to be happy. I don’t have a problem with the fact that he is gay, I just have a problem with the fact that I feel like I was lied to for over a year of my life and I gave in to every minute of it. I’m honestly just at a loss for words.
How. Did. I. Not. Know.
I haven’t written on here for awhile. I got pretty sick about 2 weeks ago and went to Chicago to stay with my sister and nephew. The whole time that I was there, I felt more at home than I have in the past two years. I wasn’t longing to be somewhere else. I didn’t feel forced to stay where I was because I was avoiding being somewhere else. It felt so great. I forgot that feeling. Of feeling comfortable and at ease wherever you are. It made me seriously consider moving there after college. I wish that I could now. I almost wish that I had never signed a lease for next year already. More than anything, I just want to pack up and leave. Get far away from everything and everyone that I know and start over. Because I’m so unhappy here.