“I know it’s long gone & that magics not here no more”

One year ago from today was one of the biggest turning points of my life. It was the night that I first started to develop feelings for the guy that consumes most of my thoughts and takes up all of the pages of my journal & WordPress. It was one of the best nights that we spent together. That night, I went to bed with you, happy as could be. I felt content. Full. Like nothing was missing and everything was going to be okay. 

Exactly one year later, I went home after a movie with my coworkers, alone. And for the first time since you left in May, I also went to bed content. Not feeling completely full, but almost there. I went to bed knowing that my life isn’t perfect right now, but it’s getting better and it’s going to all be okay. I’m finally okay with the fact that you stopped reaching out. I’m okay with the fact that it’s not going to work out. 

I’m still not 100% over you, but I’ve come farther in the past month than I have in the past 5. You no longer are on my mind 24/7. I’ve started putting myself first. I’ve slept with someone else for the first time in over a year. I went on a date with someone else. I’m trying to move on. As much as I miss you sometimes, I am finally accepting that you’re not right for me. Maybe you could have been at one point, but looking back now with a clearer mind, I realize that you aren’t in this moment. 

My biggest problem was that I wanted so desperately for you to be right for me. I romanticized you and I tried to force it. From the first night that I had met you, I knew you would be leaving in May. I knew that if this turned into something you would have to leave in 5 months. I knew that it was all temporary. But I thought that if I didn’t let go that you wouldn’t be able to either. But that’s not how life works. Just because you deeply care about someone, doesn’t always mean it will be mutual. Mutual feelings aren’t something that are ever guaranteed. I have always struggled with that, but with you, I think that I finally learned my lesson. 

If she cuts her hair, then she’s really over you.

For some reason, when you’re getting over someone, it helps and it makes you feel better, to make some drastic change to your appearance. I’ve talked to a handful of my girl friends and they all agreed and said that they do the same, so I know I’m not alone in this. My only explanation for this, is that you are taking away something that was a part of you while you were with this other person, or you are adding something to yourself that they never experienced when they were with you. For example, after calling it quits with a guy who I used to date, I chopped off 10 inches of my hair. He loved my long hair, and cutting it off felt like it was the final straw in also cutting him out of my life. I was letting go of something that reminded me of him. I was changing my appearance so that it would be different than the time that I spent with him. I remember spending hours laying in bed with him after we had both finished classes for the day. He’d play with my hair  as I lay my head on his chest or push it back gently behind my ear as it fell in my face when I leaned in to kiss him. So when I chopped it off, it was like I was letting go of those moments that I thought of so often. I was doing what I could to assure myself that if I ever found myself with someone else, those things wouldn’t happen and I wouldn’t think of him. The same way when I broke up with my high school boyfriend of 2 years, I got my nose pierced. It wasn’t a huge change, but it was something that was unfamiliar to him. I knew that the next time that I saw him, he wouldn’t recognize that part of me. It was my way of saying, whether you are in my life or not, I’ll still move on. You do not make my decisions for me, and there are parts of me that you will never know. I will grow and I will change, and it will be without you.

This came to mind because I’m currently going through this again and trying to decide what major change to make to myself. Maybe I’ll cut my hair again or maybe I’ll get another piercing or maybe I’ll do both. More updates to come.

2 steps forward, 5 steps back

Tonight at work, I randomly smelled the same scent that I would smell when I would walk into your apartment. It was the strangest thing, considering you moved out in August and I’ve barely seen you since. I stood there for 3 or 4 minutes trying to pin point what it was made of before I lost it.

I’ve been doing so good lately with my attempts at getting over you. I’ve started to see other people. I’ve stopped reaching out to you first. I’ve tried to put you in the back of my mind and I’ve succeeded a few times. But this weekend has been especially hard. Maybe it’s just the time of year. This exact time last year was the first night that I ever spent with you. I knew right away that it was special. Different. Or maybe it’s because everyone went back home for break and I’m stuck here, alone, for work. It’s also the holiday season and “cuffing season” and now that it’s starting to get cold, I miss you more than I have since the summer. I’m imagining you taking someone else ice skating and to the tree lighting in Chicago and it makes me nauseous. The thought of you with someone else is almost physically painful. I know that I need to forget you. I just don’t want to.

things i hate ft. past tense verbs

As of lately, when I talk to you, you talk a lot in the past tense. It’s all “you were,” “you did,”we were,” “it was.” And to put it plainly, I hate it.

We barely speak anymore and when we do it’s just small talk. I know you’ve moved on and I’m forcing myself to be okay with it by trying to do the same. But I still can’t completely erase you from my life. A Taylor Swift (ugh, I hate that I am referencing her but) lyric that explains how I feel about you perfectly is, “you’re like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore.” A white dress is symbolic of me and the wine stain is you. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing. I’ve tried everything that I can to get it off of my dress, but it won’t come out. It’s still there. It gets a little fainter over time, but it won’t completely go away. In a sense, the stain is loud; it completely takes over the dress and it’s all you notice when you look at it. You don’t notice the lace detailing or the satin fabric; you just see the stain. Standing out like a sore thumb. In the same way, you have completely taken over me. You’re what I spend the majority of my time thinking about and I can’t get the thoughts to stop. No matter what I do to try to remedy my need for you, I can’t get it to go away. I started seeing other people, I started going out and partying more, I took up more shifts at work to keep myself busy. But you’re always still there.

So when you say things like, “you were,” or “you did,” it just confirms to me that you’ve got the stain out that I left on you. I don’t linger in your thoughts as much anymore. You found something to take it away and you only think about it sometimes.

I never wanted to just be your past tense. I wanted to be part of your past, your present, and your future. I should have spilled more wine on you.

all the things i wish you could hear me say

I knew this was coming for awhile now. It would have been foolish of me to think otherwise. We’re both young and you’re successful and live in a booming city. Obviously you were going to move on at some point. It seems like you’ve already started to, meanwhile I’m still where I was at 6 months ago, wishing you were officially mine. I know that you’ll be back. Whether it be next week or 7 months from now. You’ll call me up like we never stopped talking and tell me that you’re coming to visit. Usually, I’d answer and I’d be happy as ever that you had come back for me. I’d romanticize with the idea that it must be meant to be, because no matter how many times you tried to find love elsewhere, you always ended up coming back for mine.  But this time will be different. I won’t be on the other line, gleefully telling you how happy I am to hear from you. I’ll be somewhere between over you and getting over you. Depending on how long it will have been, maybe I’ll even be moved on and happy by that point. Maybe that phone call will be the last bit of closure that I need to let go. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I won’t be giving in next time you come back.

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One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn while growing up is that even if you deeply care about someone, it’s not guaranteed to be mutual. I can’t think of many feelings worse than a love that is not fully reciprocated. That’s why I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait for you. I need to be happy on my own, whether it be with or without you. And it looks like it’s going to have to be without you this time. I know you don’t expect me to move on. And maybe that’s why you are trying to do so yourself. Because you know that you can and you think that I’ll still be here, waiting. Whatever the reason, I hope that you too find happiness. If that’s not with me, then that’s fine. Life has a funny way of working out. So I’m going to put my trust in the fact that maybe it’s just not meant to be. No matter how real it feels when we’re together. I’m putting trust in the fact that if you’re not the one, then there’s someone even better for me out there.

One big ugh

I hate the idea of the person that I want to be with being with someone else. It scares me more than anything to think that it’s possible for another girl to make him happier than I can. We already discussed our feelings for each other and we both agreed that now isn’t the right time for us to be together. It’s unreasonable and it just wouldn’t work with the distance, time change, and conflicting schedules. I know all of this and I agreed to it, so why does it hurt so bad to know he is seeing other people. It sounds so selfish. But I really can’t help it. Even if we go days without talking, it’s not long before he calls or texts and checks in with me. It’s like he can’t stop coming back. And I’m the same way. If I’m with someone else, he’s who I’m really thinking about. I know it’s the same for him. But the problem is that I don’t even want to give others the time of day, meanwhile he’s seeing other people all of the time. I’m 100% aware that I’m wasting my time, yet I still can’t bring myself to stop. I’m so over being this way.

Right person, wrong time

For the first time in a very long time, I woke up today and felt at ease. I have been longing for some type of closure, and this weekend, I finally got it.

I live in a college town, so most people move back to their hometowns at the beginning of each summer and then come back before the fall semester starts. I stayed in my college town to work this summer, and it’s getting to be the time when everyone’s lease is up and they are coming back and moving into their new apartments. But this past weekend, the guy who I have been kind of seeing since December came back into town to move out of his apartment and to move back home for good. We stopped seeing each other consistently in June because the distance isn’t ideal for either of us right now. He still had an apartment here though and would come back from time to time. Now that he’s all moved out, we both know that it’s different this time than from any time that he’s left before. We’ve done our best to keep things casual over the past couple of months, but I’ve fell hard for him in the process. It doesn’t feel like I’ll never see him again, I just have no clue when the next time will be. I don’t know whether it will be in a month or a year. And for as much as I like him, I feel strangely okay with that. I’ve never felt this way about a person, and I could really see myself ending up with him later on in life. So my mindset is: why force it if it’s not the right time? If we try to make it work out now when both of us aren’t really ready, it’s not going to work and that will be it. But if we both take the time to grow a little more, maybe we will find our way back to each other. I know it’s a bit of a long shot, but I’d rather do it the right way than rush it and end up hating each other. We left things on good and open terms and it’s made me realize that not knowing what comes next can sometimes be the best thing. There’s no pressure to make it work and no fear that it will end.

Maybe I’m being my usual dramatic self when I say this, but I think that this is what loving maturely and realistically feels like. Knowing how deeply you care about someone, but having to let them go for the time being because you know it’s not the right time. Knowing that you have to keep living your life and that things will eventually work out if it’s meant to be.

I feel different. But I feel content.

happy national ice cream day to me?

I’ve written in my journal countless times about the last morning that we spent together. It was like a movie. We woke up from a long day before of doing nothing but watching movies and laughing at each other. We lay in your bed, naked, after just having had sex. You went and got the ice cream we had bought the night before during a late night Kroger run. I told you I didn’t care what flavor we got and you joke around naming the weirdest flavors that you could find asking if they were okay. We compromised on Neapolitan because we got a little of everything. Kind of like how I felt when I was with you. Anyways, that morning when we lay in your bed, you left your room and came back with that tub of ice cream and two spoons.. We lay in your bed and ate it together while we watched Bob’s Burgers together. It felt like we were 15 and I was falling in love for the first time. So happy and carefree, completely absorbed in my time with you and not thinking about all of the problems that I faced when I stepped back outside of your apartment. I was happy. I was where I wanted to be.

That was two months ago, but it feels like it was another life time ago because of how much everything has changed. You moved away and got swept up in your job and we’ve both changed so much in a short period of time that it’s like we’re strangers.

I’ve written about that day so many times because it’s one of our purest memories. We both were so happy and caught up in spending our last day together, that we ignored all of the signs of what was to come. I have always wondered if you remembered that day or if it stood out at all to you like it did to me. But I’ve never asked.

Today, my question was answered. You texted me out of nowhere and asked if I remembered that day. I said yes.

All I have wanted for the past month and a half was some kind of acknowledgment from  you that you hadn’t completely forgotten about me. But now that I got it, I think that I am realizing that I would have eventually been fine without it.

What a relief.

I just read something that said, “there are still people who you have not met yet that will love you.”

The moment I read these words I instantly felt comforted. Sometimes life feels hopeless but it’s so important to remember that there is always more out there. There is always another chance to be happy and people that are meant to be in your life who you just haven’t come across yet. This is so easy to forget but so important to remember.