right person, wrong time type of thing

 

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve slept by myself. My most recent “bae” has been staying over pretty consistently all summer. But that’s all about to change.

We both just graduated and are moving 500 miles away from each other. The worst part of it all is that if we weren’t moving away from each other, then I know that we could have made it work. I have real feelings for him and I know that they are reciprocal; this is something that rarely happens with me because I have a bad habit of only going for men who are emotionally unavailable or playboys. We’re both going through so many changes right now, and I think a long distance relationship would only put more stress on our lives. It’s one of those right person, wrong time situations. Where the person is absolutely great, but the timing is awful and there are so many reasons why it can’t work right now. Knowing that and even accepting it still doesn’t make it any easier. If anything, I think that it makes it worse, because you know that if the timing was right then you could probably end up loving that person.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Last year I started seeing someone who was graduating a year before me and was moving in to a different time zone 6 months after we had met. I went in to it knowing that and still couldn’t help but fall for him. He is the guy, who up until recently, I talked about in my posts. We still keep in touch but not as much as we used to, and I finally moved on. Only it was to someone who I also cannot be with. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I can’t tell if I’m just a masochist who enjoys suffering in the fact of knowing that I can never make things work with someone that I care about or if I’m doing it to protect myself. Sometimes, I feel as though I subconsciously start to catch feelings for people who I know that I can’t make it work with, so that I don’t have to A) commit to a real relationship because all of my past ones have ended so horribly & B) so that I don’t have to risk being hurt if it does turn in to a real relationship.

The ironic part of all of this, is that if I am doing it to protect myself, I still end up getting hurt. The only difference is that I’m choosing the way that it ends. I start relationships with people who are leaving because I know that when they leave will be the end. Even if we still keep in touch, it won’t be the same because I refuse to do long distance. Whereas, if I started talking to someone who was in the same city as me for good, who knows what could happen. They could meet someone else, cheat on me, get bored of me.

***Side note: As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that this is probably the reason why I keep doing this to myself. This is why I love writing. Because it helps me talk out what I’m thinking when my thoughts are jumbled, take a step back and analyze what it is that I’m feeling or thinking.***

I need to overcome this insecurity that everyone I have feelings for is going to end up hurting me, or else I’m never going to be able to have a stable healthy relationship. The problem is, I don’t know how to do that. It’s so hard sometimes to let go of those negative thoughts. Anyways, more updates on this situation to come, but for now I’m headed to bed :).

 

Something about the rain 

I don’t know why, but there is something about rainy days that make me feel nostalgic. Whenever it’s cold & rainy out, I suddenly start thinking about past love interests or get the urge to text an old friend. 

I woke up for work this morning at 8am, and it was raining outside. And for the first time in over a year, I didn’t really miss you. Sure I still thought about you. But I didn’t get the urge to be wrapped up in your giant king bed next to you, listening the sound of the rain against one of the 8 windows in your room. You cancelled last weekend, and at first, I was devastated. It’s been months since we’ve seen each other and the fact that you could still find a reason to cancel our plans made me feel extremely dumb that I still feel the way that I do about you. But the more that I think about it, the more I am realizing that you did me a huge favor.

I no longer remember the smell of your apartment. I don’t remember how your hands felt when they touched my skin or the scars and freckles on your face. I still know that your eyes are brown but I don’t remember how I felt when I looked into them anymore. Only now as I’m writing this post am I starting to remember the smirk that you’d give me or the way your laugh sounds, but these are things that I used to replay in my head every single day. 

The rain didn’t make me miss you today. Instead, it only reminded me that I used to miss you. And that is progress. 

“I know it’s long gone & that magics not here no more”

One year ago from today was one of the biggest turning points of my life. It was the night that I first started to develop feelings for the guy that consumes most of my thoughts and takes up all of the pages of my journal & WordPress. It was one of the best nights that we spent together. That night, I went to bed with you, happy as could be. I felt content. Full. Like nothing was missing and everything was going to be okay. 

Exactly one year later, I went home after a movie with my coworkers, alone. And for the first time since you left in May, I also went to bed content. Not feeling completely full, but almost there. I went to bed knowing that my life isn’t perfect right now, but it’s getting better and it’s going to all be okay. I’m finally okay with the fact that you stopped reaching out. I’m okay with the fact that it’s not going to work out. 

I’m still not 100% over you, but I’ve come farther in the past month than I have in the past 5. You no longer are on my mind 24/7. I’ve started putting myself first. I’ve slept with someone else for the first time in over a year. I went on a date with someone else. I’m trying to move on. As much as I miss you sometimes, I am finally accepting that you’re not right for me. Maybe you could have been at one point, but looking back now with a clearer mind, I realize that you aren’t in this moment. 

My biggest problem was that I wanted so desperately for you to be right for me. I romanticized you and I tried to force it. From the first night that I had met you, I knew you would be leaving in May. I knew that if this turned into something you would have to leave in 5 months. I knew that it was all temporary. But I thought that if I didn’t let go that you wouldn’t be able to either. But that’s not how life works. Just because you deeply care about someone, doesn’t always mean it will be mutual. Mutual feelings aren’t something that are ever guaranteed. I have always struggled with that, but with you, I think that I finally learned my lesson. 

late night thoughts

So after thinking long and hard about my love life and why it’s such a joke, I came to the conclusion that finding love in your twenties is just extremely difficult. I say this because your early twenties are a time when you’re really starting to grow as a person and figure out who you are. It’s a time for soul searching and getting to know yourself; you grow a lot. So when you bring another person into the picture, you either grow together or you grow apart. There isn’t really an in between.

all at once or not at all

I always hear people say things seem to happen all at once or not at all. I generalized the statement a bit and it’s not always said exactly like that, but I’m sure you get the point. I’ve found time and time again, that it’s so true though. If positive things start to happen in my life, it seems like they all happen at once. They’re never spread out, they are occur right in a row. And it’s the same with negative things. They happen all at once. Whether it be deaths, money issues, family issues, or all of the above.


My most recent encounter with this was with guys. Either I go for months of not talking to any of the guys that I’ve either had relationships with in the past & not meeting any new guys that I try to pursue or all of the guys from my past try to get in contact with me and I also meet someone(s) new. In the past week or so, it’s been the latter option. Past love interests who I haven’t talked to in months all seem to be trying to get back in touch with me at the same time. The guy that I’m trying to get over and that lives 4 hours away from me has been in contact with me more in the past two weeks than he has at any point in the past 5 months. I finally met someone new who interests me and who I actually want to get to know more. I went from not talking to any guys at all to suddenly having my phone blowing up with text messages and snapchats of guys trying to hang out. It’s just so weird to me that it always happens like this. It’s like the guys in my life have a radar and can tell when I’m finally doing better and beginning to move on and they decide that they are all going to try and hinder me from doing so at the exact same time. Maybe it’s just the universe testing me. Either way, it’s weird that it always seems to happen like this.

things i hate ft. past tense verbs

As of lately, when I talk to you, you talk a lot in the past tense. It’s all “you were,” “you did,”we were,” “it was.” And to put it plainly, I hate it.

We barely speak anymore and when we do it’s just small talk. I know you’ve moved on and I’m forcing myself to be okay with it by trying to do the same. But I still can’t completely erase you from my life. A Taylor Swift (ugh, I hate that I am referencing her but) lyric that explains how I feel about you perfectly is, “you’re like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore.” A white dress is symbolic of me and the wine stain is you. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing. I’ve tried everything that I can to get it off of my dress, but it won’t come out. It’s still there. It gets a little fainter over time, but it won’t completely go away. In a sense, the stain is loud; it completely takes over the dress and it’s all you notice when you look at it. You don’t notice the lace detailing or the satin fabric; you just see the stain. Standing out like a sore thumb. In the same way, you have completely taken over me. You’re what I spend the majority of my time thinking about and I can’t get the thoughts to stop. No matter what I do to try to remedy my need for you, I can’t get it to go away. I started seeing other people, I started going out and partying more, I took up more shifts at work to keep myself busy. But you’re always still there.

So when you say things like, “you were,” or “you did,” it just confirms to me that you’ve got the stain out that I left on you. I don’t linger in your thoughts as much anymore. You found something to take it away and you only think about it sometimes.

I never wanted to just be your past tense. I wanted to be part of your past, your present, and your future. I should have spilled more wine on you.

It happened; I’ve finally had enough.

If you asked someone who knows me to describe me, one of the first things that they would say is that I’m a nice person. Yes, this is a good characteristic to have, but for me, it’s almost to the point that it’s a flaw. I don’t always stand up for myself, I tend to let people walk all over me, and I often have trouble saying no to people.

As you all know, lately I’ve been trying to find happiness and my place in the world, and I’ve come to find that it’s extremely hard to do this while being too nice. Sometimes you just have to say no. You have to put someone in their place when they treat you wrong. You have to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, people aren’t going to respect you. They’re going to use you. They’re going to take and take and take as long as you continue to give.

I’m not sure what came over me, but this week something in me snapped. It was probably just a build up of different events where others have taken advantage of my kindness and mistaken it for weakness. A mixture of not being appreciated for all that I do at my job, not being taken seriously by friends, not getting back what I put in to my love life, my family also not taking me seriously. Whatever it was, I hit my breaking point and I am finally starting to realize that I deserve more than what I’m getting out of people. I’ve always had somewhat low self esteem and settle for less. But I am done with that. I’m done with settling. I want what’s best for myself. I want to be happy and I want what I deserve. It’s time for me to start saying no to the things that I don’t want to do. Time to cut the people out of my life that don’t treat me right. Time to stop bending over backwards for people who put little effort into our relationship.

Self respect is a beautiful thing. I’m so happy that I’m finally realizing that I deserve it.

all the things i wish you could hear me say

I knew this was coming for awhile now. It would have been foolish of me to think otherwise. We’re both young and you’re successful and live in a booming city. Obviously you were going to move on at some point. It seems like you’ve already started to, meanwhile I’m still where I was at 6 months ago, wishing you were officially mine. I know that you’ll be back. Whether it be next week or 7 months from now. You’ll call me up like we never stopped talking and tell me that you’re coming to visit. Usually, I’d answer and I’d be happy as ever that you had come back for me. I’d romanticize with the idea that it must be meant to be, because no matter how many times you tried to find love elsewhere, you always ended up coming back for mine.  But this time will be different. I won’t be on the other line, gleefully telling you how happy I am to hear from you. I’ll be somewhere between over you and getting over you. Depending on how long it will have been, maybe I’ll even be moved on and happy by that point. Maybe that phone call will be the last bit of closure that I need to let go. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I won’t be giving in next time you come back.

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One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn while growing up is that even if you deeply care about someone, it’s not guaranteed to be mutual. I can’t think of many feelings worse than a love that is not fully reciprocated. That’s why I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait for you. I need to be happy on my own, whether it be with or without you. And it looks like it’s going to have to be without you this time. I know you don’t expect me to move on. And maybe that’s why you are trying to do so yourself. Because you know that you can and you think that I’ll still be here, waiting. Whatever the reason, I hope that you too find happiness. If that’s not with me, then that’s fine. Life has a funny way of working out. So I’m going to put my trust in the fact that maybe it’s just not meant to be. No matter how real it feels when we’re together. I’m putting trust in the fact that if you’re not the one, then there’s someone even better for me out there.

One big ugh

I hate the idea of the person that I want to be with being with someone else. It scares me more than anything to think that it’s possible for another girl to make him happier than I can. We already discussed our feelings for each other and we both agreed that now isn’t the right time for us to be together. It’s unreasonable and it just wouldn’t work with the distance, time change, and conflicting schedules. I know all of this and I agreed to it, so why does it hurt so bad to know he is seeing other people. It sounds so selfish. But I really can’t help it. Even if we go days without talking, it’s not long before he calls or texts and checks in with me. It’s like he can’t stop coming back. And I’m the same way. If I’m with someone else, he’s who I’m really thinking about. I know it’s the same for him. But the problem is that I don’t even want to give others the time of day, meanwhile he’s seeing other people all of the time. I’m 100% aware that I’m wasting my time, yet I still can’t bring myself to stop. I’m so over being this way.