all the things i wish you could hear me say

I knew this was coming for awhile now. It would have been foolish of me to think otherwise. We’re both young and you’re successful and live in a booming city. Obviously you were going to move on at some point. It seems like you’ve already started to, meanwhile I’m still where I was at 6 months ago, wishing you were officially mine. I know that you’ll be back. Whether it be next week or 7 months from now. You’ll call me up like we never stopped talking and tell me that you’re coming to visit. Usually, I’d answer and I’d be happy as ever that you had come back for me. I’d romanticize with the idea that it must be meant to be, because no matter how many times you tried to find love elsewhere, you always ended up coming back for mine.  But this time will be different. I won’t be on the other line, gleefully telling you how happy I am to hear from you. I’ll be somewhere between over you and getting over you. Depending on how long it will have been, maybe I’ll even be moved on and happy by that point. Maybe that phone call will be the last bit of closure that I need to let go. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I won’t be giving in next time you come back.

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One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn while growing up is that even if you deeply care about someone, it’s not guaranteed to be mutual. I can’t think of many feelings worse than a love that is not fully reciprocated. That’s why I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait for you. I need to be happy on my own, whether it be with or without you. And it looks like it’s going to have to be without you this time. I know you don’t expect me to move on. And maybe that’s why you are trying to do so yourself. Because you know that you can and you think that I’ll still be here, waiting. Whatever the reason, I hope that you too find happiness. If that’s not with me, then that’s fine. Life has a funny way of working out. So I’m going to put my trust in the fact that maybe it’s just not meant to be. No matter how real it feels when we’re together. I’m putting trust in the fact that if you’re not the one, then there’s someone even better for me out there.

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