Another time I related to Carrie Bradshaw; Holiday Edition

; Half of an edible and an hour later, it’s almost 2 o’clock in the morning, and I still can’t fall asleep. I just googled a very specific type of shoe that I wanted and ended up on an article that led me to another article that led me to about 3 more until I somehow (I actually don’t know how this happened), led me to an article about scenes in sex and the city that every day people can relate to. At the end of the article, it suggested that users on the website respond back with what SATC moment they related to the most.

As someone who adores the show and watches reruns of it all the time, it really got me thinking. I already find a lot of the show extremely relatable; being a young, single women in a bigger city, so figuring out what one moment I identify with most was a bit of a challenge.

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Probably because of the experiences that I’m currently having in my own life, there was a particular scene that stood out to me more than others. I couldn’t remember if it was from the movie or from an episode of the tv show, but it’s the scene where Carrie is spending a holiday all alone (either Christmas or New Years Eve, I don’t fully remember). She rambles on about some lesson that she had recently learned in the background, while you see her sitting at her desk in her perfect Manhattan apartment typing an article of her laptop. The tone is melancholy, yet hopeful. She doesn’t seem to be sad about spending the holiday alone, and ends up curling up in a chair with a hot cup of tea. The fact that the holidays are so centered around family and loved ones, makes the viewers feel bad for her. She’s not with any family or friends or a significant other. Instead, she’s by herself. But she’s okay. What I didn’t at first realize, was that even though she was alone in that moment, she was not lonely. The difference is that to be alone means to have no one by your side at the moment, but to feel lonely isn’t based off of how many people are around you. It’s based off of how you feel whether you’re by yourself or in a large crowd. Even though Carrie wasn’t sharing Christmas Eve with another person, she knew that she would wake up the next morning and her phone would ring and it would be one of her friends who loved her. She knew that the next day she would also probably meet up with her friends for lunch in the next day or two. She would call Mr. Big and have a witty conversation with him. Carrie had many people in her life who loved her, regardless of whether they were there in that moment or not.

With my family being spread all over the globe and with feeling more distant than ever from them, I can’t help but to relate. This holiday season feels like I am especially alone. However, I know that in another week or two, I will be fine. I’ll be reunited with everyone from out of town.It’s just so hard to spend a day all by yourself that is supposed to be the one day of the year when everyone drops everything and comes together. Usually, I love Christmas. My family gets a real tree, my mom hangs up everyone’s personalized stockings and you can barely move in our house their are so many decorations. We make my grandma’s homemade Christmas cookie recipe and bake pies and a ham. We have a Christmas story on repeat and my family spends the weekends at mom’s. But this year, it’s just me in my little apartment. No decorations, none of grandma’s famous Christmas cookies, no family. But I’ll be fine. A couple days will pass and life will go back to normal. The holidays will be another year away. Here’s to hoping next year I have someone to spend it with.

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not replying to texts, loving yourself, and other unrelated topics

Before you read this, I just want to say I don’t really know where I’m going with it. It’s just kind of a rant, so bear with me.

It’s one of those days where I woke up in a good mood, but everyone is mad at me. And for the dumbest reasons. For example, my sister is mad I didn’t call her back soon enough; my friend is mad I didn’t text her back; and my roommate is mad that I went out last night even though she couldn’t. The cause of most of these problems were caused by how awful I am with my phone. Sometimes I just zone everything out and don’t reply to texts for days. It’s not that I’m purposely ignoring someone or trying to be rude, I just would rather live my life without my eyes being glued to my phone screen. I thought that was a good thing, but people get really mad at me for it. But this isn’t a rant about how dependent the world is on technology, it’s about a realization that I had upon finding out that everyone is shitty with me today.

I don’t care. I don’t care that anyone is mad at me. I don’t care that I didn’t text anyone back. I don’t care that my roommate (who is also my best friend) is being extremely petty and immature. I’ve been so sad for the past couple months or so. I’ve been going through a kind of breakup (we didn’t date officially so I don’t know if I can use the term breakup), I’ve been dealing with a lot of family issues, and I’ve also “broken up” with a few of my friends. But I’m finally starting to feel okay. Now that I am starting to feel like myself again, I’m done dealing with negativity. None of these things will even matter in another week so why waste my energy worrying about them now?

 


 

What’s changed you may ask? Well i’m still not over the guy I ended things with, but I’m getting there. I think I’m almost okay with being just friends, because we’ve both made it clear that we still want each other in our lives. And even if it didn’t work out how I wanted it to, I found my first love and that’s beautiful. As far as my family goes, things are getting better but overall, I’ve learned to let go of what I can’t change. I’ve also realized that I can’t fix everyone else’s problems and constantly worrying about it isn’t going to do anything either. When it comes to the friends I’ve lost, I mean it sucks but people grow apart and that’s life. I’ve made a lot of new ones lately at work so maybe that’s why I’m more okay with it now too.

I want to be happy again and I’ve come to realize that in order to get there, I need to be a little selfish. I need to put my own needs first and love myself entirely before I can love anyone else. If that means ignoring a text for a couple hours because I’m more interested in what I’m doing at that moment, then I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’ve always thought that being selfish was an awful thing to be, but sometimes it’s just necessary. I’m just sick of putting others first when they don’t think twice about me before doing something.