Two double vodka sodas with lemon later

For the past 5 months or so, I’ve been in a strange funk. I don’t know how else to describe it, other than to say that my mind has just been cloudy. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why this is, but I’m going through a lot of transitions in every aspect of my life right now, and I think that may be why. This “funk” has had an impact on a lot of areas of my life, but one that it’s affected the most, is my writing. Writing has always come easy for me, and it’s a big part of my every day life. Usually, I can write pages and pages about anything and still feel like I could keep going. But as of lately, every time that I think of a topic that I want to write about, I sit down at my computer and my mind just goes blank. It’s like I can’t find the words to say. I barely write on here at all anymore. If I ever do write these days, it’s usually a paragraph or so in my journal or a note in my phone when I get a random idea. I’ve also been thinking about switching up my page a little bit which has been holding me back from writing as well. Anyways, last night something happened that made it a little easier for me to write this.

Last night, I went out with my roommate for my 23rd birthday. We were going from bar to bar just feeling the night out and ran in to a couple of our old friends. One of them was her boyfriend’s old roommate, and the other was a guy that we both went to high school with and had somewhat been in the same friend group with for a semester or two of college. We ended up on a rooftop bar, drinks in hand, deep in conversation with both of these guys. My roommate was sitting across from me with her boyfriends old roommate. They were deep in a conversation about climate change. My roommate is very liberal and her boyfriend and most of his friends are pretty conservative. So whenever we all end up in the same place and are intoxicated, she turns every conversation into some type of political debate. I, on the other hand, was sitting next to the guy that we had both went to high school with. Him and I have a little history together; we both had crushes on each other but it didn’t work out because the circumstances at the time were just too weird. Anyways, he’s a pretty unique guy. I don’t think hipster is the right word to describe him, but it’s something comparable. He has a lot of family in Greece and spent most of last year traveling through Europe. We talked about everything from whether or not we believed in astrology, religion, and our ethnic backgrounds to what our plans were for after college. It was one of those conversations that inspired me and gave me hope for the new page of my life that I’m about to start. I told him my plan for what’s next for me (moving to Chicago not really knowing anyone or having a set plan) and he reassured me that I wasn’t crazy. He reminded me that in order to get to where you really want to be, that sometimes you have to take chances and make choices that may seem crazy to others and sometimes to yourself. He also pointed out that Chicago is a city full of opportunity and if you want something there, you have to put yourself out there and go for it. Which is what I’m doing. I have really been doubting my decision to move and just about every other decision that I’ve been making lately. So it was extremely reassuring to hear from another person, whose opinion I value, that I’m not doing so bad after all.

I think it’s little things in our every day lives that make the most influence. A simple drunken conversation with an old friend completely changed my mindset. That may sound silly, but it did, and I can’t explain it. It’s funny because as I sat on the roof of that bar last night, I was surrounded by so many people. I often forget how small I really am in the grand scheme of things and forget that all of these people around me are going through things as well. Some of them may be similar to me, some not as bad, and some a lot worse. Kind of makes me wonder if anyone else in that bar last night also got a little piece of enlightenment.

10 minutes to Linden

I had expected to get to your new apartment in the city & for so much to have changed. I expected you to be different. I expected everything to be different. But not much had.

So many things were the same. The way that we acted towards each other. Your bed and light blue bed sheets. The jokes that we made with each other. You’re laugh and the smell of your skin. 

That was the first time that I had seen you in 8 months. Not that we haven’t stopped talking, I hear from you every now and then & we still snapchat pretty often. I’m not really sure how I feel about everything yet. I mean I did just leave your apartment an hour ago, but I’m curious to see how I’ll feel when I wake up tomorrow. I’ve been waiting for this night for months on end. Not this particular night I guess I should say, but just to see you in general. I had so much to say to you that I didn’t get to express, but I’m not worried. Something tells me that this won’t be the last time that I’ll see you. Something tells me that there will be many more nights like tonight. But part of me isn’t even sure that I still want to tell you all of the things that I had previously planned on saying to you. For so long, I thought that you were it. But something about to night makes me feel like maybe you’re not. Like there’s so much more out there for me and I need to focus more on myself. I need to try new things and meet new people. Possibly fall in love with someone that’s not you. For the first time in over a year, I’m more excited about what’s to come for me, rather than what’s to come for us. 

Views from where I want to be

 

I honestly have no idea where it stemmed from, but I have an obsession with apartments and hotel rooms with views like this. After I graduate college and start my career, I have no idea where I’ll end up. I just know that I do not want to go back to Indy. I want to be emerged in a city, preferably a big one, where I don’t know many people and will have the opportunity to create a new name for myself. A clean start. When it comes to where, I’m keeping an open mind and am just seeing where life takes me. However, there is one requirement that I want for my future life. As weird as it may sound, I want to end up in an apartment with huge windows and a nice view like one of these overlooking a city. I know that I won’t be able to afford it right away, but it’s a big goal that I intend to accomplish at least by the time I’m 25 or 26. I want to wake up in the morning and be greeted by sunlight coming through my window overlooking a huge buzzing city. I want to look out and see hundreds of people going about their lives and be high up enough for no one to even be able to acknowledge me. The idea of being in a huge city, but also being able to overlook everything from a distance while being on my own. There’s just something about the thought of it that I love.