late night thoughts

So after thinking long and hard about my love life and why it’s such a joke, I came to the conclusion that finding love in your twenties is just extremely difficult. I say this because your early twenties are a time when you’re really starting to grow as a person and figure out who you are. It’s a time for soul searching and getting to know yourself; you grow a lot. So when you bring another person into the picture, you either grow together or you grow apart. There isn’t really an in between.


A letter to my ex best friend

I hate to use the term ex best friend, but I’m not sure what else to call you. I don’t like it because it sounds like it comes with a negative connotation. But there is no hate or bitterness in my heart for you at all. Still only love.¬†10508352_10154329123165608_1275297949_n

When I met you in first grade, we immediately became inseparable. And we were until sophomore year of  college. When I think of you now, I think about how much our lives have both changed and how I know so little about you now. What I do know is just the little bits of pieces I get from social media, from what the mutual people in our lives tell me, and from the vague tidbits of information you give me when we randomly text every couple of months to check up on each other.

Looking back, we had so many plans growing up that involved each other. It wasn’t even a question who would be my maid of honor when I got married, because the obvious answer was you. When it came time to move away on our own to Bloomington and go to college, I didn’t have to worry about finding a room mate, because the obvious answer was you. Even when it came to picking a college, we stuck together. You were my one sense of security in life. Coming from such a broken family and just a broken back ground in general, you were the one person in my life that I could always count on to be there. No matter what.

But then life happened. We both grew up. We went through things that changed us. Thinking about our friendship and the bond that we once had, it really sucks to think that I barely even know you anymore. You were one of the most special people in my life. You understood me better than anyone else. I mean, we grew up alongside each other. You knew more about my family than I’ve ever told anyone, every boy I had ever liked and every reason why, you knew the foods that I hated and what I would order at restaurants. You could tell how I would react to certain things and you knew my views on everything. And I knew all of that too. I knew that if you could choose any restaurant to go to, you would choose Noodles and Company. Every fucking time. I can’t tell you how many times you made me get it with you freshman year and how I haven’t had it since because it doesn’t taste the same without you. The fact that we could walk into a store and I could look around and already new what you would pick up. I knew the things that you would find funny and I knew what people would say that would bug you or that we would laugh at together later. I knew the back stories of your parent’s childhood and I knew every detail of your life in Mexico.

You know, it’s funny. Because every single summer, you would go to Mexico. And it would be so hard on both of us. Yeah you loved going to see your family and friends there, and my summer’s were always still great, but being away from my best friend for two whole months was always hell. You were closer to me than my actual sister and I loved you more than I’ve ever loved any boy in my entire life. I obviously don’t mean that in a romantic way, and I’m sure that if you were reading this you would laugh because of my need to clarify. But it’s just crazy to me that we could barely go two months without seeing each other before, and now the only time that I see you is dunkenly at bars when you’re in town. Barely being able to talk to you for a whole summer seemed like hell, and now we don’t talk for 3-4 months at a time. I still love you and I always will. I am so proud of you for the things that I know of that you have accomplished. And I will always wish the best for you. I hope that you get everything that you want out of life and I hope that it’s filled with tons of adventures and people who make you happy.

I hate hearing things that happened to you through the grape vine and not being able to text you to make sure that you’re okay. Like when you & you’re boyfriend broke up and I felt like I didn’t know you well enough anymore to make sure that you were okay. I was at fault for that and I’m still so sorry I wasn’t there.

I can count on one hand the times that we ever got in a fight when we were friends. We never fought and we always made it known how much we cared for one another. That’s why now, even though we have grown apart so much, there is no bitterness in my heart towards you. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Even though when I see you now, we sometimes don’t even know what to say to each other and it can get awkward. But you will always mean so much to me.

I’ve put off writing about this for a long time, because I knew that it would bring out a great deal of emotion in me. And as you know, that’s not a side of myself that I like to face. But in order for me to move on and grow as a person, it’s something that I need to come to terms with. I don’t know if I will ever send you the link for you to read this, but if I do, I hope that you don’t take any of this the wrong way. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that life got in the way and we both changed so much and we forgot to let each other know. I’m sorry that I stopped texting and I’m sorry that you stopped trying. I know I’ll still tell my future children stories about the adventures we had together and if I have ever have a daughter, I can only hope that she will have a friendship like the one that we had. My future boyfriends and my future husband will know a lot about you, or atleast who you used to be. I still look for you in my other friends, and I know that I will probably do so forever. The 16 years that we were best friends will continue to be very dear to me, and still hold many of my favorite memories. People grow apart and that’s okay. It’s life, it happens I get that and it’s not healthy to dwell. But my one regret is that we let it get this far. We may have changed for the better, but we did the one thing that we promised we would never do. We stopped being friends altogether. But for what it’s worth, I hope you’re always happy. Love you always my m.o.c.

  • your m.o.d.