Another time I related to Carrie Bradshaw; Holiday Edition

; Half of an edible and an hour later, it’s almost 2 o’clock in the morning, and I still can’t fall asleep. I just googled a very specific type of shoe that I wanted and ended up on an article that led me to another article that led me to about 3 more until I somehow (I actually don’t know how this happened), led me to an article about scenes in sex and the city that every day people can relate to. At the end of the article, it suggested that users on the website respond back with what SATC moment they related to the most.

As someone who adores the show and watches reruns of it all the time, it really got me thinking. I already find a lot of the show extremely relatable; being a young, single women in a bigger city, so figuring out what one moment I identify with most was a bit of a challenge.

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Probably because of the experiences that I’m currently having in my own life, there was a particular scene that stood out to me more than others. I couldn’t remember if it was from the movie or from an episode of the tv show, but it’s the scene where Carrie is spending a holiday all alone (either Christmas or New Years Eve, I don’t fully remember). She rambles on about some lesson that she had recently learned in the background, while you see her sitting at her desk in her perfect Manhattan apartment typing an article of her laptop. The tone is melancholy, yet hopeful. She doesn’t seem to be sad about spending the holiday alone, and ends up curling up in a chair with a hot cup of tea. The fact that the holidays are so centered around family and loved ones, makes the viewers feel bad for her. She’s not with any family or friends or a significant other. Instead, she’s by herself. But she’s okay. What I didn’t at first realize, was that even though she was alone in that moment, she was not lonely. The difference is that to be alone means to have no one by your side at the moment, but to feel lonely isn’t based off of how many people are around you. It’s based off of how you feel whether you’re by yourself or in a large crowd. Even though Carrie wasn’t sharing Christmas Eve with another person, she knew that she would wake up the next morning and her phone would ring and it would be one of her friends who loved her. She knew that the next day she would also probably meet up with her friends for lunch in the next day or two. She would call Mr. Big and have a witty conversation with him. Carrie had many people in her life who loved her, regardless of whether they were there in that moment or not.

With my family being spread all over the globe and with feeling more distant than ever from them, I can’t help but to relate. This holiday season feels like I am especially alone. However, I know that in another week or two, I will be fine. I’ll be reunited with everyone from out of town.It’s just so hard to spend a day all by yourself that is supposed to be the one day of the year when everyone drops everything and comes together. Usually, I love Christmas. My family gets a real tree, my mom hangs up everyone’s personalized stockings and you can barely move in our house their are so many decorations. We make my grandma’s homemade Christmas cookie recipe and bake pies and a ham. We have a Christmas story on repeat and my family spends the weekends at mom’s. But this year, it’s just me in my little apartment. No decorations, none of grandma’s famous Christmas cookies, no family. But I’ll be fine. A couple days will pass and life will go back to normal. The holidays will be another year away. Here’s to hoping next year I have someone to spend it with.

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moral of the story: life was easier when I was 7

I saw a quote the other day that said something along the lines of, “the older we get, the more and more our Christmas list becomes a list of things that money can’t buy.”

Wow.

How true is this though? When I think of what I want in my life right now, what I really want, it’s not a new dress or jewelry or a new cell phone. It’s to be content with my life. To have my loved ones happy, financially stable, and safe. It’s for my older brother to get back on his feet and for my mom to stop trying to make everyone else happy and to focus on herself. It’s to be financially stable enough to be okay on my own without help from anyone else. It’s to find a guy who doesn’t have commitment issues or that isn’t emotionally unavailable and to be loved. To have someone to come home to and be able to tell everything to. It’s my relationships to be restored with old friends that I haven’t talked to much in the past year. It’s to go at least one day without feeling overcome by my anxiety and constant need to please others. It’s to be able to have one last conversation with my dad, and to ask for his advice one more time.

Maybe I’m just being dramatic, but it personally feel like there’s a direct correlation between getting older and life becoming harder. What I would do to be the age again where my Christmas list was just toys.