daily dose of positivity

I know I just talked about this in another post recently, but I firmly believe that when you start to rid your life of all negativity and move on from things that have been holding you back, the universe will not only present you with better opportunities, but will also test you with things and people from your past.

Even though I am struggling a bit with moving on from a past lover, I am trying harder than I have thus far. I’m finally putting myself first. Because of this, I feel like the universe is rewarding me by bringing new and beautiful people into my life. However, it is testing me by bringing people from my past back into my life to see if I will fall back into my old ways. So far, I have stayed strong. I don’t just believe that this is just a coincidence that everyone is coming back, because it’s not just one person. It’s well over 10. People that I haven’t talked to in years are texting me within hours of each other. How could this just be a coincidence when it happens multiple times in a row? Anyways, like I was saying, since I haven’t been giving in, better opportunities have been coming my way; with work, with friends, with family, with everything. I’ve felt better about myself and my body than I have in years. Work is finally starting to get better, and I actually feel a lot more financially stable. Not only my actual job, but the jewelry making business that me and a close friend started is finally beginning to take off. My family issues seem to be settling down. I’ve met new guys who I see as having potential for being in my life long term. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than it has been. For that, I am thankful.

2 steps forward, 5 steps back

Tonight at work, I randomly smelled the same scent that I would smell when I would walk into your apartment. It was the strangest thing, considering you moved out in August and I’ve barely seen you since. I stood there for 3 or 4 minutes trying to pin point what it was made of before I lost it.

I’ve been doing so good lately with my attempts at getting over you. I’ve started to see other people. I’ve stopped reaching out to you first. I’ve tried to put you in the back of my mind and I’ve succeeded a few times. But this weekend has been especially hard. Maybe it’s just the time of year. This exact time last year was the first night that I ever spent with you. I knew right away that it was special. Different. Or maybe it’s because everyone went back home for break and I’m stuck here, alone, for work. It’s also the holiday season and “cuffing season” and now that it’s starting to get cold, I miss you more than I have since the summer. I’m imagining you taking someone else ice skating and to the tree lighting in Chicago and it makes me nauseous. The thought of you with someone else is almost physically painful. I know that I need to forget you. I just don’t want to.

Dear High School Me,

It’s one of those nights where I’m spending hours looking through my tagged photos on Facebook from high school instead of sleeping. It’s crazy to really look back and see how much has changed since then. Looking back through all of those pictures made me realize how much I wished I could go back and tell myself all of the things that I needed to hear at the time. If I had the chance, here’s what I would say.

The first thing that I would say is: hold on to these girls. Times will be tough and you will grow apart, but do not let them go. Time and time again they will prove to be the people who know you best. At the end of the day, they are the ones who are still going to know you better than anyone else even when you’re in college and you’ve barely been in contact for the past 2 years. They are the definition of what best friends should be. Love them with all of your heart and always always always appreciate them. They’ve stuck by you for everything. Don’t forget that.

290535_2450898712161_20908067_o

The second thing that I would tell my high school self is don’t lose sight of what’s really important. When I was young, I took my family for granted constantly. I thought that they would always be there and that at that time, spending time with my friends was more important because I suffered from serious FOMO. But I should have been worried more about my family. Fast forward 5 years later and my dad has passed away. Most of my relationships are strained, distant, or just not the same.

524768_10150837959373885_928285267_n

Next, I would write her an entire novel about relationship advice. I came across this photo tonight on Facebook of me and my first serious boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in at least 3-4 years and only hear about bits and pieces of his current life every now and then through mutual friends.  Thinking back, I was truly happy with him for the first year or so of our relationship. Looking at the picture of us below, I think that that is pretty evident. He made me happy and he was the first guy that I ever had strong feelings for. But if I could go back now, I would tell myself to just enjoy my time with him. To not take our relationship to seriously and to let go of my insecurities. I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I shouldn’t spend my time picking at him for things that he should fix. Rather, I would focus more on what I needed to work on. He did the best he could for me. And instead of asking for more, I should have appreciated it. Because relationships aren’t about grand gestures and everyone else thinking you’re “goals.” They’re about the feeling that you get when you get to see them after a long day at work. They’re about how nice it feels to spend days doing nothing with them and enjoying little things like taking drives in the summer with the windows rolled down. If I could talk to myself right after we broke up, I would tell myself to just let go. I am young. I have so much more life ahead of me and though it may feel like the end of the world now, I have so much more to learn before I can fully love someone. He was everything that I thought that I needed at the time, but he was not “it.” And neither were any of the other guys who I would fall for in the next 5 years. If one ends, don’t let it end you. There will always be other guys and that’s that. One day you will look at someone the way you’re looking at your ex boyfriend from high school in this picture, but it won’t be at your locker in between 3rd and 4th period. It will be every morning when you wake up next to him and your heart will be full and your worries will fade as you trace his lips with your fingertips. And I’m not talking about a husband, you might have 3 or 4 of these kinds guys in your life. Men come and  go and so do your feelings for them. But don’t let it rule you.

307351_1540434606377_1233284835_n

 

Another thing that I would say to my high school self is to just enjoy the moment that you are living in. As awful and as pessimistic as it sounds, no matter how bad it seems, it will get so much worse. You’ll be 22 in college: completely on your own, living from paycheck to paycheck, you’ll lose family members that you thought you couldn’t live without, people will change in ways that you didn’t think possible, you’ll hate yourself at multiple points, and you’ll grow apart from life long friends. The high school drama and the fact that your mom won’t buy you the prom dress that you want will become laughable compared to the other dilemmas that you will face. But right now, you’re young and it’s okay to be carefree and make dumb mistakes. So do it as much as you possibly can while you still can.

978057_631975326815016_795786547_o

One last thing that I would tell my high school self is that you are a beautiful and intelligent young woman. You have so much more potential to grow and you will become stronger than you even think is possible. Don’t worry about what other people think. And for the last time, YOU ARE NOT FAT. You have a beautiful body and you will look back 5 years from now and laugh at how stupid you were to think that you looked so bad. I’d also tell myself to be easier on my mom, because she has it harder than I think. And not just to be easier on her, but to be easier on everyone who messes up. I’m not perfect, so don’t expect others to be. Just slow down and take a deep breath. Stop worrying about things that don’t matter and about things that you cannot change. Don’t take things for granted, but also don’t take them too seriously. Live in the moment, but if it’s not going how you want it to, remember that it won’t be this way forever. Enjoy the people and the places that make up your life today, because they might not be there or the same tomorrow. It’s okay to mess up so long as you learn from your mistakes. This is your life, so do what you want when you want. And always always always enjoy the little moments, because they are the ones that you will cherish most. 251318_10150632319365608_5033901_n

The more that I write, the more that I learn about myself

I mentioned in my last post that I rarely meet guys who interest me enough to pursue them and it got me thinking about why that is. I live in a college town of a Big 10 university and am surrounded by over 45,000 other students who are all around my age. I go out to the bars here a lot and hang out at multiple spots around campus, so I’m always surrounded by the opposite sex, it’s not like I just never leave the house and don’t meet anyone new. Not to sound annoying, but I am also young, attractive, and extremely independent so it’s not like guys just aren’t attracted to me either. I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, but I just don’t ever care enough to try and pursue it. I don’t know why exactly that is and I’ve never noticed it until recently. The more I examine my dating habits, I think I only put in any effort in with people that I feel connected to somehow. If a cute guy is trying to talk to me but I don’t feel an immediate connection with him, then I won’t even bother to finish the conversation. If it’s in person, I’ll make up an excuse to walk away or if it’s over text, I just won’t reply. It kind of sounds like a shitty thing to do, but if I don’t feel like talking to you, no matter who you are, then I just won’t. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. Even if it is someone that I feel connected to, if I don’t have anything to say at that moment, then I’m not going to force a conversation with you. I’ll talk to you another time or I’ll say something vague so they won’t feel the need to reply.

When I say that I only will go out of my way to talk to someone if I feel a connection with them, I don’t mean that I’ve been talking to the person for hours and I realize we have so much in common. It has to be instant. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve come across 3 or 4 guys in college that I had never met or even talked to before, but I just felt drawn to them. I felt like I had to go talk to them. And I did. I introduced myself to each one, and all of them have been significant figures in my love life throughout college. None of them really worked out romantically long-term, but for the most part I’m still friends with all of them. I just feel like everyone that I meet here is the same. No one is particularly interesting or of any real substance. And usually if someone does seem unique it’s all a show and they are in fact trying to purposely be different, it’s not like it comes naturally for them. All of the guys here look the same. Everyone is over privileged and aware of it and also rude about it. No one here has to work hard for what they have because they all have connections and are guaranteed spots in life that will lead them to be successful. No one wants anything real, they just want to party and see who can get more likes on Instagram pictures. Everybody just wants to hook up and keep it casual. None of these things are me. I love living here and going to college here, don’t get me wrong. But there are just very few people here that I relate to. It’s hard to try and build relationships on that.

Maybe that’s why I want to move to Chicago so bad. Because even though it is also a city filled with a lot of people like that, it is also a city filled with people who worked their way from the bottom to get where they are. It’s a city with people who didn’t grow up in a world where everything always seemed to go their way. With people who have had genuine life experiences that have shaped them as a person and made them become someone of substance. That’s what I crave  in another person. And it’s not something that I can find here.

 

all at once or not at all

I always hear people say things seem to happen all at once or not at all. I generalized the statement a bit and it’s not always said exactly like that, but I’m sure you get the point. I’ve found time and time again, that it’s so true though. If positive things start to happen in my life, it seems like they all happen at once. They’re never spread out, they are occur right in a row. And it’s the same with negative things. They happen all at once. Whether it be deaths, money issues, family issues, or all of the above.


My most recent encounter with this was with guys. Either I go for months of not talking to any of the guys that I’ve either had relationships with in the past & not meeting any new guys that I try to pursue or all of the guys from my past try to get in contact with me and I also meet someone(s) new. In the past week or so, it’s been the latter option. Past love interests who I haven’t talked to in months all seem to be trying to get back in touch with me at the same time. The guy that I’m trying to get over and that lives 4 hours away from me has been in contact with me more in the past two weeks than he has at any point in the past 5 months. I finally met someone new who interests me and who I actually want to get to know more. I went from not talking to any guys at all to suddenly having my phone blowing up with text messages and snapchats of guys trying to hang out. It’s just so weird to me that it always happens like this. It’s like the guys in my life have a radar and can tell when I’m finally doing better and beginning to move on and they decide that they are all going to try and hinder me from doing so at the exact same time. Maybe it’s just the universe testing me. Either way, it’s weird that it always seems to happen like this.

it’s one of those sundays

tumblr_o4a5qilosr1qc3ki3o1_540

It’s one of those Sundays where the only thing that I want to do is lay in bed, light some candles, make a huge cup of tea, and watch movies all day. It’s also one of those days where I’m trying really hard to be positive, but my anxiety is taking over and the only thing that I can think of is things that I wish I wouldn’t have said/done in the past. One of those days when I feel constantly worried, but I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is that I’m worried about. It’s one of those days when writing is the only way that I feel like expressing myself because I don’t have to physically speak to anyone and sometimes that’s nice.

 

I’m still with her

The past 24 hours have been sad, disappointing, and extremely disheartening. I don’t usually display my political views publicly, but I feel so strongly about this election that I cannot contain myself.

Whether anyone likes it or not, Hillary Clinton is one of the most significant female figures in all of American politics. She has undoubtedly made many mistakes, but still, she was the most qualified candidate of this election. However, she still lost. Here’s the thing though: she didn’t lose to another politician, to someone who had better ideas and intentions for our country than she did, to someone who loves American more than her. She lost to a misogynist, homophobic, racist (the list goes on and on) ex reality tv star and business owner. She lost to a man who is awaiting trial for RAPE, a man who openly hates Muslims and Latinos and then denies saying any of it.

You know, I am just really at a loss for words here. How did we back track this far that we decided to elect a man who is fueled by hate to run our country?

I saw a quote earlier from a young woman about my age that they interviewed once the results of the election came out that said, “this election made me realize that America is not what I thought it was.” I could not agree more with this statement more and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that mothers all over the United States will have to explain to their daughters how it is possible for a man who treats women as if they are nothing more than inferior sex objects is running our country. It breaks my heart that little boys across the United States will look up to the new leader of our country. A man who could not even tweet for himself on his own twitter account the day before his election, because his campaign was too afraid that he might say something stupid. A man who speaks of women so vulgarly I don’t even want to type out what he said, yet is the same man who is supposed to construct rules that will determine women’s health. 

What a joke.

If nothing else, this election was a huge slap in the face to every woman in America, whether they want to accept it or not. We had two choices. A woman who was clearly fit for the job, and a man who is under qualified and quite frankly, an idiot. So what did we do? We gave it to the man. Just like so many other Americans, I am angry. Bur I will not sit around and do nothing. I will fight more fiercely for my rights than I ever have before. I have never felt so inspired by someone as much as I have been by Hillary Clinton after she conceded from the election. She new that she was robbed, yet, she still conceded from the election as gracefully as she possibly could have. Even though she had every right, she didn’t stand before us and say, “What is wrong with you America? You just royally f*cked up!!” But instead, she stood before us and she said, “I’m sorry.” The woman WE let down is apologizing to US. That is the most American woman thing to do; to apologize to someone who does YOU wrong. And for that Hillary, I thank you. I thank you for reminding us to be the bigger person. But at the same time, to not lose hope. To never give up no matter how many times you fail or hear “no.” To always, always, always fight for what you believe in, and to never lose sight of what it is that you are fighting for. You are a strong woman and you don’t get the credit that you deserve. When you said in your speech that you were proud to be the champion of girls everywhere, you were absolutely right about that. You are my champion and I am still with her.

481177a

not replying to texts, loving yourself, and other unrelated topics

Before you read this, I just want to say I don’t really know where I’m going with it. It’s just kind of a rant, so bear with me.

It’s one of those days where I woke up in a good mood, but everyone is mad at me. And for the dumbest reasons. For example, my sister is mad I didn’t call her back soon enough; my friend is mad I didn’t text her back; and my roommate is mad that I went out last night even though she couldn’t. The cause of most of these problems were caused by how awful I am with my phone. Sometimes I just zone everything out and don’t reply to texts for days. It’s not that I’m purposely ignoring someone or trying to be rude, I just would rather live my life without my eyes being glued to my phone screen. I thought that was a good thing, but people get really mad at me for it. But this isn’t a rant about how dependent the world is on technology, it’s about a realization that I had upon finding out that everyone is shitty with me today.

I don’t care. I don’t care that anyone is mad at me. I don’t care that I didn’t text anyone back. I don’t care that my roommate (who is also my best friend) is being extremely petty and immature. I’ve been so sad for the past couple months or so. I’ve been going through a kind of breakup (we didn’t date officially so I don’t know if I can use the term breakup), I’ve been dealing with a lot of family issues, and I’ve also “broken up” with a few of my friends. But I’m finally starting to feel okay. Now that I am starting to feel like myself again, I’m done dealing with negativity. None of these things will even matter in another week so why waste my energy worrying about them now?

 


 

What’s changed you may ask? Well i’m still not over the guy I ended things with, but I’m getting there. I think I’m almost okay with being just friends, because we’ve both made it clear that we still want each other in our lives. And even if it didn’t work out how I wanted it to, I found my first love and that’s beautiful. As far as my family goes, things are getting better but overall, I’ve learned to let go of what I can’t change. I’ve also realized that I can’t fix everyone else’s problems and constantly worrying about it isn’t going to do anything either. When it comes to the friends I’ve lost, I mean it sucks but people grow apart and that’s life. I’ve made a lot of new ones lately at work so maybe that’s why I’m more okay with it now too.

I want to be happy again and I’ve come to realize that in order to get there, I need to be a little selfish. I need to put my own needs first and love myself entirely before I can love anyone else. If that means ignoring a text for a couple hours because I’m more interested in what I’m doing at that moment, then I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’ve always thought that being selfish was an awful thing to be, but sometimes it’s just necessary. I’m just sick of putting others first when they don’t think twice about me before doing something.

cheesy

I’m a firm believer that if a person keeps being brought back into your life, then it’s for a reason.

For example, the time when I first met the guy who I am crazy about now at a bar. I forgot to get his number and saw him again the following weekend but I then saw him a week later at the library, but didn’t talk to him. About a week later I saw him again all the way across campus and ended up getting his number. After that, I never ran into him on campus ever again even though I went to all of the same places. I kept in contact with him, but it’s as if we were running into each other repeatedly because of fate. It kept happening until I got his number and didn’t lose it, so that we could see each other again.

Or the time last year when I randomly took an Italian class last minute to fill up a gap in my schedule and met a girl named Sierra who I talked to maybe once. Fast forward to the following summer and we somehow got hired for the same job at the same time and now she’s one of my best friends.

I don’t know maybe I’m just being dramatic or am a little tipsy off of wine and stretching things, but my point it, is something or someone keeps reoccurring in your life, then there’s probably a reason for it. Don’t ignore it. The universe is trying to tell you something. Take notice to the things that happen around you and give in to them. Because usually it leads to positive things.

things i hate ft. past tense verbs

As of lately, when I talk to you, you talk a lot in the past tense. It’s all “you were,” “you did,”we were,” “it was.” And to put it plainly, I hate it.

We barely speak anymore and when we do it’s just small talk. I know you’ve moved on and I’m forcing myself to be okay with it by trying to do the same. But I still can’t completely erase you from my life. A Taylor Swift (ugh, I hate that I am referencing her but) lyric that explains how I feel about you perfectly is, “you’re like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore.” A white dress is symbolic of me and the wine stain is you. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing. I’ve tried everything that I can to get it off of my dress, but it won’t come out. It’s still there. It gets a little fainter over time, but it won’t completely go away. In a sense, the stain is loud; it completely takes over the dress and it’s all you notice when you look at it. You don’t notice the lace detailing or the satin fabric; you just see the stain. Standing out like a sore thumb. In the same way, you have completely taken over me. You’re what I spend the majority of my time thinking about and I can’t get the thoughts to stop. No matter what I do to try to remedy my need for you, I can’t get it to go away. I started seeing other people, I started going out and partying more, I took up more shifts at work to keep myself busy. But you’re always still there.

So when you say things like, “you were,” or “you did,” it just confirms to me that you’ve got the stain out that I left on you. I don’t linger in your thoughts as much anymore. You found something to take it away and you only think about it sometimes.

I never wanted to just be your past tense. I wanted to be part of your past, your present, and your future. I should have spilled more wine on you.