I don’t know why, but there is something about rainy days that make me feel nostalgic. Whenever it’s cold & rainy out, I suddenly start thinking about past love interests or get the urge to text an old friend.
I woke up for work this morning at 8am, and it was raining outside. And for the first time in over a year, I didn’t really miss you. Sure I still thought about you. But I didn’t get the urge to be wrapped up in your giant king bed next to you, listening the sound of the rain against one of the 8 windows in your room. You cancelled last weekend, and at first, I was devastated. It’s been months since we’ve seen each other and the fact that you could still find a reason to cancel our plans made me feel extremely dumb that I still feel the way that I do about you. But the more that I think about it, the more I am realizing that you did me a huge favor.
I no longer remember the smell of your apartment. I don’t remember how your hands felt when they touched my skin or the scars and freckles on your face. I still know that your eyes are brown but I don’t remember how I felt when I looked into them anymore. Only now as I’m writing this post am I starting to remember the smirk that you’d give me or the way your laugh sounds, but these are things that I used to replay in my head every single day.
The rain didn’t make me miss you today. Instead, it only reminded me that I used to miss you. And that is progress.
I’m at that awkward age where a good amount of my friends have graduated and the other half either haven’t yet or aren’t going to. Strangely enough, it seems as though most of the ones who have graduated all have their shit together and are on their way to leading successful happy lives in big cities with high paying jobs. I would love to be on my way to that, but as of right now, I feel like I’m on my way to the opposite. I’ve always struggled with feeling as though I’m not good enough and with comparing myself to others, but I really don’t know how I’m not expected to do that now. This whole thing about not knowing what I’m doing next year and if I’m going to live up to the expectations of myself and of those around me, has really been weighing on my shoulders hard lately. But to be 100% honest, it just hit me harder than it ever has and the reason why makes me cringe.
I had the night off tonight and have been trying to rest since I worked the majority of the weekend and am physically and mentally exhausted right now. I got on Facebook for some reason and came across my love interest (yes, the same one I’ve been crazy about for months) and clicked on his page to look at a picture that I had seen. We’ve been talking a lot more than we had been and he is actually coming down to visit this weekend. He’s finally started to settle into his job and has made new friends that all seem to have too much money and bad habits, so I’ve been a little worried about him lately. But I’ll address that in more detail later. Anyways, I am on his page and click on his best friend from colleges’ page who I felt like I knew decently well, considering the fact that I was always at their apartment last year. This guy has his shit completely together. He works for a big company, makes bank, and is currently working overseas doing so. A few more clicks and I find out that as of recently, he has a new girlfriend, who is equally successful and absolutely beautiful. When I saw that, something in me snapped. Maybe because I was scared that his friend, whom I am quite fond of to say the least, compares me to his best friend’s girlfriend. I’m younger than they are, but still I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And to be honest, they all have their shit together so much that I look insanely immature and dumb next to them. In case you can’t tell, I’ve been panicking ever since, and can’t help but think, “is this how everyone views me?”
I don’t know. As I’m typing this, I realize that it sounds so dumb, but my entire life has been surrounded around the idea that I’d become this hugely successful woman and have such a better life than I did growing up. But now that I’m coming to the end of my college career, I’m freaking out so hard. The bar for what it means to be successful has been set so high by everyone that surrounds me, and I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t meet those standards. I really need to work on getting it together in the next couple of months.
First things first, I’m back. I haven’t posted on here since a few days before Christmas, and so much has happened in my life in these last 2 months. Part of me feels somewhat guilty that I haven’t kept up with my page at least a little bit, so I feel the need to explain (I’m not sure if I’m doing this more for the people who read my posts or myself to be honest). My laptop got a virus around Christmas time and I managed to put off getting a new one until last week. I don’t know why, but every time I went to write a post on the app on my phone, it just didn’t feel write and I would save it as a draft. I also went through a lot of family drama around Christmas time and sort of lost interest in all other things. I started working more and more and stopped caring about my social life and a lot of the people around me. That also contributed to my absence. But I think the main reason that I stopped writing, was because writing is how I deal with so much of the things that happen to me in my life. And there were so many things that happened all at once, that I just haven’t wanted to think about. So I guess not writing about my problems, was my way of not having to face them. I put them to the back of mind and kept telling myself that I would deal with them later. But I feel like I’m starting to go insane, so I guess it’s time that I come back on here. I hope you all accept me with open arms, because I could really use that right now.
; Half of an edible and an hour later, it’s almost 2 o’clock in the morning, and I still can’t fall asleep. I just googled a very specific type of shoe that I wanted and ended up on an article that led me to another article that led me to about 3 more until I somehow (I actually don’t know how this happened), led me to an article about scenes in sex and the city that every day people can relate to. At the end of the article, it suggested that users on the website respond back with what SATC moment they related to the most.
As someone who adores the show and watches reruns of it all the time, it really got me thinking. I already find a lot of the show extremely relatable; being a young, single women in a bigger city, so figuring out what one moment I identify with most was a bit of a challenge.
Probably because of the experiences that I’m currently having in my own life, there was a particular scene that stood out to me more than others. I couldn’t remember if it was from the movie or from an episode of the tv show, but it’s the scene where Carrie is spending a holiday all alone (either Christmas or New Years Eve, I don’t fully remember). She rambles on about some lesson that she had recently learned in the background, while you see her sitting at her desk in her perfect Manhattan apartment typing an article of her laptop. The tone is melancholy, yet hopeful. She doesn’t seem to be sad about spending the holiday alone, and ends up curling up in a chair with a hot cup of tea. The fact that the holidays are so centered around family and loved ones, makes the viewers feel bad for her. She’s not with any family or friends or a significant other. Instead, she’s by herself. But she’s okay. What I didn’t at first realize, was that even though she was alone in that moment, she was not lonely. The difference is that to be alone means to have no one by your side at the moment, but to feel lonely isn’t based off of how many people are around you. It’s based off of how you feel whether you’re by yourself or in a large crowd. Even though Carrie wasn’t sharing Christmas Eve with another person, she knew that she would wake up the next morning and her phone would ring and it would be one of her friends who loved her. She knew that the next day she would also probably meet up with her friends for lunch in the next day or two. She would call Mr. Big and have a witty conversation with him. Carrie had many people in her life who loved her, regardless of whether they were there in that moment or not.
With my family being spread all over the globe and with feeling more distant than ever from them, I can’t help but to relate. This holiday season feels like I am especially alone. However, I know that in another week or two, I will be fine. I’ll be reunited with everyone from out of town.It’s just so hard to spend a day all by yourself that is supposed to be the one day of the year when everyone drops everything and comes together. Usually, I love Christmas. My family gets a real tree, my mom hangs up everyone’s personalized stockings and you can barely move in our house their are so many decorations. We make my grandma’s homemade Christmas cookie recipe and bake pies and a ham. We have a Christmas story on repeat and my family spends the weekends at mom’s. But this year, it’s just me in my little apartment. No decorations, none of grandma’s famous Christmas cookies, no family. But I’ll be fine. A couple days will pass and life will go back to normal. The holidays will be another year away. Here’s to hoping next year I have someone to spend it with.
With everything going on with my family, and with the fact that they are all spread across the globe right now, I’m not really in the Christmas spirit. I’m honestly looking more forward to New Years Eve. I work a double that day (what’s new), but I’ll be with all of my work friends, and they have come to feel like a real family to me in the past couple of months. Anyways, I’ve been trying to plan what we’ll all do after work that night and what sequin covered attire I will wear. And of course since it’s going to be New Year’s Eve, I can’t help but wonder who will be my New Year’s kiss or if I will even have one for that matter.
Anyways, this whole train of thought brought me to reflect on last year’s New Years Eve. My old roommates and I hosted a party at our house in our college town and that night still is one of the most fun nights I’ve ever experienced in college. My midnight kiss that night was from a good friend, and it was more to be funny than anything else. They say that the person that you kiss on New Year’s Eve is who you’ll spend the rest of your year with. (Yes, I know I’m extremely superstitious and cheesy and I romanticize everything) I feel like for me, this actually held true. I spent a lot of 2016 spending my time on the wrong people. So me kissing a friend who I obviously knew wasn’t right for me, was a metaphor for the rest of my year. Here’s my reasoning.
I spent all of 2016 hung up on a guy who moved away and I knew it couldn’t work out blah blah blah you all know this story already. I also spent so much of my time trying to keep old friends around who put in no effort and quite frankly, just weren’t very good friends.
So here’s what I propose. Regardless of who I kiss on New Years Eve, I need to spend 2017 focusing more on myself and figuring out what it is I want to do and where I want to end up. I need to stop trying to please people who treat me as if I don’t matter. I need to stop wasting my time loving people who are unappreciative of the love and care that I give them. I work hard. I try to be positive all of the time. I try to help others as much as I can. I’m not a bad a person. So what is it going to hurt if I’m a little selfish? My goal for 2017 is to love myself so much that it doesn’t matter if someone else does.
One year ago from today was one of the biggest turning points of my life. It was the night that I first started to develop feelings for the guy that consumes most of my thoughts and takes up all of the pages of my journal & WordPress. It was one of the best nights that we spent together. That night, I went to bed with you, happy as could be. I felt content. Full. Like nothing was missing and everything was going to be okay.
Exactly one year later, I went home after a movie with my coworkers, alone. And for the first time since you left in May, I also went to bed content. Not feeling completely full, but almost there. I went to bed knowing that my life isn’t perfect right now, but it’s getting better and it’s going to all be okay. I’m finally okay with the fact that you stopped reaching out. I’m okay with the fact that it’s not going to work out.
I’m still not 100% over you, but I’ve come farther in the past month than I have in the past 5. You no longer are on my mind 24/7. I’ve started putting myself first. I’ve slept with someone else for the first time in over a year. I went on a date with someone else. I’m trying to move on. As much as I miss you sometimes, I am finally accepting that you’re not right for me. Maybe you could have been at one point, but looking back now with a clearer mind, I realize that you aren’t in this moment.
My biggest problem was that I wanted so desperately for you to be right for me. I romanticized you and I tried to force it. From the first night that I had met you, I knew you would be leaving in May. I knew that if this turned into something you would have to leave in 5 months. I knew that it was all temporary. But I thought that if I didn’t let go that you wouldn’t be able to either. But that’s not how life works. Just because you deeply care about someone, doesn’t always mean it will be mutual. Mutual feelings aren’t something that are ever guaranteed. I have always struggled with that, but with you, I think that I finally learned my lesson.
For some reason, when you’re getting over someone, it helps and it makes you feel better, to make some drastic change to your appearance. I’ve talked to a handful of my girl friends and they all agreed and said that they do the same, so I know I’m not alone in this. My only explanation for this, is that you are taking away something that was a part of you while you were with this other person, or you are adding something to yourself that they never experienced when they were with you. For example, after calling it quits with a guy who I used to date, I chopped off 10 inches of my hair. He loved my long hair, and cutting it off felt like it was the final straw in also cutting him out of my life. I was letting go of something that reminded me of him. I was changing my appearance so that it would be different than the time that I spent with him. I remember spending hours laying in bed with him after we had both finished classes for the day. He’d play with my hair as I lay my head on his chest or push it back gently behind my ear as it fell in my face when I leaned in to kiss him. So when I chopped it off, it was like I was letting go of those moments that I thought of so often. I was doing what I could to assure myself that if I ever found myself with someone else, those things wouldn’t happen and I wouldn’t think of him. The same way when I broke up with my high school boyfriend of 2 years, I got my nose pierced. It wasn’t a huge change, but it was something that was unfamiliar to him. I knew that the next time that I saw him, he wouldn’t recognize that part of me. It was my way of saying, whether you are in my life or not, I’ll still move on. You do not make my decisions for me, and there are parts of me that you will never know. I will grow and I will change, and it will be without you.
This came to mind because I’m currently going through this again and trying to decide what major change to make to myself. Maybe I’ll cut my hair again or maybe I’ll get another piercing or maybe I’ll do both. More updates to come.
So after thinking long and hard about my love life and why it’s such a joke, I came to the conclusion that finding love in your twenties is just extremely difficult. I say this because your early twenties are a time when you’re really starting to grow as a person and figure out who you are. It’s a time for soul searching and getting to know yourself; you grow a lot. So when you bring another person into the picture, you either grow together or you grow apart. There isn’t really an in between.
I know I just talked about this in another post recently, but I firmly believe that when you start to rid your life of all negativity and move on from things that have been holding you back, the universe will not only present you with better opportunities, but will also test you with things and people from your past.
Even though I am struggling a bit with moving on from a past lover, I am trying harder than I have thus far. I’m finally putting myself first. Because of this, I feel like the universe is rewarding me by bringing new and beautiful people into my life. However, it is testing me by bringing people from my past back into my life to see if I will fall back into my old ways. So far, I have stayed strong. I don’t just believe that this is just a coincidence that everyone is coming back, because it’s not just one person. It’s well over 10. People that I haven’t talked to in years are texting me within hours of each other. How could this just be a coincidence when it happens multiple times in a row? Anyways, like I was saying, since I haven’t been giving in, better opportunities have been coming my way; with work, with friends, with family, with everything. I’ve felt better about myself and my body than I have in years. Work is finally starting to get better, and I actually feel a lot more financially stable. Not only my actual job, but the jewelry making business that me and a close friend started is finally beginning to take off. My family issues seem to be settling down. I’ve met new guys who I see as having potential for being in my life long term. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than it has been. For that, I am thankful.
Tonight at work, I randomly smelled the same scent that I would smell when I would walk into your apartment. It was the strangest thing, considering you moved out in August and I’ve barely seen you since. I stood there for 3 or 4 minutes trying to pin point what it was made of before I lost it.
I’ve been doing so good lately with my attempts at getting over you. I’ve started to see other people. I’ve stopped reaching out to you first. I’ve tried to put you in the back of my mind and I’ve succeeded a few times. But this weekend has been especially hard. Maybe it’s just the time of year. This exact time last year was the first night that I ever spent with you. I knew right away that it was special. Different. Or maybe it’s because everyone went back home for break and I’m stuck here, alone, for work. It’s also the holiday season and “cuffing season” and now that it’s starting to get cold, I miss you more than I have since the summer. I’m imagining you taking someone else ice skating and to the tree lighting in Chicago and it makes me nauseous. The thought of you with someone else is almost physically painful. I know that I need to forget you. I just don’t want to.