Another time I related to Carrie Bradshaw; Holiday Edition

; Half of an edible and an hour later, it’s almost 2 o’clock in the morning, and I still can’t fall asleep. I just googled a very specific type of shoe that I wanted and ended up on an article that led me to another article that led me to about 3 more until I somehow (I actually don’t know how this happened), led me to an article about scenes in sex and the city that every day people can relate to. At the end of the article, it suggested that users on the website respond back with what SATC moment they related to the most.

As someone who adores the show and watches reruns of it all the time, it really got me thinking. I already find a lot of the show extremely relatable; being a young, single women in a bigger city, so figuring out what one moment I identify with most was a bit of a challenge.

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Probably because of the experiences that I’m currently having in my own life, there was a particular scene that stood out to me more than others. I couldn’t remember if it was from the movie or from an episode of the tv show, but it’s the scene where Carrie is spending a holiday all alone (either Christmas or New Years Eve, I don’t fully remember). She rambles on about some lesson that she had recently learned in the background, while you see her sitting at her desk in her perfect Manhattan apartment typing an article of her laptop. The tone is melancholy, yet hopeful. She doesn’t seem to be sad about spending the holiday alone, and ends up curling up in a chair with a hot cup of tea. The fact that the holidays are so centered around family and loved ones, makes the viewers feel bad for her. She’s not with any family or friends or a significant other. Instead, she’s by herself. But she’s okay. What I didn’t at first realize, was that even though she was alone in that moment, she was not lonely. The difference is that to be alone means to have no one by your side at the moment, but to feel lonely isn’t based off of how many people are around you. It’s based off of how you feel whether you’re by yourself or in a large crowd. Even though Carrie wasn’t sharing Christmas Eve with another person, she knew that she would wake up the next morning and her phone would ring and it would be one of her friends who loved her. She knew that the next day she would also probably meet up with her friends for lunch in the next day or two. She would call Mr. Big and have a witty conversation with him. Carrie had many people in her life who loved her, regardless of whether they were there in that moment or not.

With my family being spread all over the globe and with feeling more distant than ever from them, I can’t help but to relate. This holiday season feels like I am especially alone. However, I know that in another week or two, I will be fine. I’ll be reunited with everyone from out of town.It’s just so hard to spend a day all by yourself that is supposed to be the one day of the year when everyone drops everything and comes together. Usually, I love Christmas. My family gets a real tree, my mom hangs up everyone’s personalized stockings and you can barely move in our house their are so many decorations. We make my grandma’s homemade Christmas cookie recipe and bake pies and a ham. We have a Christmas story on repeat and my family spends the weekends at mom’s. But this year, it’s just me in my little apartment. No decorations, none of grandma’s famous Christmas cookies, no family. But I’ll be fine. A couple days will pass and life will go back to normal. The holidays will be another year away. Here’s to hoping next year I have someone to spend it with.

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New Years Eve

With everything going on with my family, and with the fact that they are all spread across the globe right now, I’m not really in the Christmas spirit. I’m honestly looking more forward to New Years Eve. I work a double that day (what’s new), but I’ll be with all of my work friends, and they have come to feel like a real family to me in the past couple of months. Anyways, I’ve been trying to plan what we’ll all do after work that night and what sequin covered attire I will wear. And of course since it’s going to be New Year’s Eve, I can’t help but wonder who will be my New Year’s kiss or if I will even have one for that matter.

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Anyways, this whole train of thought brought me to reflect on last year’s New Years Eve. My old roommates and I hosted a party at our house in our college town and that night still is one of the most fun nights I’ve ever experienced in college. My midnight kiss that night was from a good friend, and it was more to be funny than anything else. They say that the person that you kiss on New Year’s Eve is who you’ll spend the rest of your year with. (Yes, I know I’m extremely superstitious and cheesy and I romanticize everything) I feel like for me, this actually held true. I spent a lot of 2016 spending my time on the wrong people. So me kissing a friend who I obviously knew wasn’t right for me, was a metaphor for the rest of my year. Here’s my reasoning.

I spent all of 2016 hung up on a guy who moved away and I knew it couldn’t work out blah blah blah you all know this story already. I also spent so much of my time trying to keep old friends around who put in no effort and quite frankly, just weren’t very good friends.

So here’s what I propose. Regardless of who I kiss on New Years Eve, I need to spend 2017 focusing more on myself and figuring out what it is I want to do and where I want to end up. I need to stop trying to please people who treat me as if I don’t matter. I need to stop wasting my time loving people who are unappreciative of the love and care that I give them. I work hard. I try to be positive all of the time. I try to help others as much as I can. I’m not a bad a person. So what is it going to hurt if I’m a little selfish? My goal for 2017 is to love myself so much that it doesn’t matter if someone else does.

“I know it’s long gone & that magics not here no more”

One year ago from today was one of the biggest turning points of my life. It was the night that I first started to develop feelings for the guy that consumes most of my thoughts and takes up all of the pages of my journal & WordPress. It was one of the best nights that we spent together. That night, I went to bed with you, happy as could be. I felt content. Full. Like nothing was missing and everything was going to be okay. 

Exactly one year later, I went home after a movie with my coworkers, alone. And for the first time since you left in May, I also went to bed content. Not feeling completely full, but almost there. I went to bed knowing that my life isn’t perfect right now, but it’s getting better and it’s going to all be okay. I’m finally okay with the fact that you stopped reaching out. I’m okay with the fact that it’s not going to work out. 

I’m still not 100% over you, but I’ve come farther in the past month than I have in the past 5. You no longer are on my mind 24/7. I’ve started putting myself first. I’ve slept with someone else for the first time in over a year. I went on a date with someone else. I’m trying to move on. As much as I miss you sometimes, I am finally accepting that you’re not right for me. Maybe you could have been at one point, but looking back now with a clearer mind, I realize that you aren’t in this moment. 

My biggest problem was that I wanted so desperately for you to be right for me. I romanticized you and I tried to force it. From the first night that I had met you, I knew you would be leaving in May. I knew that if this turned into something you would have to leave in 5 months. I knew that it was all temporary. But I thought that if I didn’t let go that you wouldn’t be able to either. But that’s not how life works. Just because you deeply care about someone, doesn’t always mean it will be mutual. Mutual feelings aren’t something that are ever guaranteed. I have always struggled with that, but with you, I think that I finally learned my lesson. 

If she cuts her hair, then she’s really over you.

For some reason, when you’re getting over someone, it helps and it makes you feel better, to make some drastic change to your appearance. I’ve talked to a handful of my girl friends and they all agreed and said that they do the same, so I know I’m not alone in this. My only explanation for this, is that you are taking away something that was a part of you while you were with this other person, or you are adding something to yourself that they never experienced when they were with you. For example, after calling it quits with a guy who I used to date, I chopped off 10 inches of my hair. He loved my long hair, and cutting it off felt like it was the final straw in also cutting him out of my life. I was letting go of something that reminded me of him. I was changing my appearance so that it would be different than the time that I spent with him. I remember spending hours laying in bed with him after we had both finished classes for the day. He’d play with my hair  as I lay my head on his chest or push it back gently behind my ear as it fell in my face when I leaned in to kiss him. So when I chopped it off, it was like I was letting go of those moments that I thought of so often. I was doing what I could to assure myself that if I ever found myself with someone else, those things wouldn’t happen and I wouldn’t think of him. The same way when I broke up with my high school boyfriend of 2 years, I got my nose pierced. It wasn’t a huge change, but it was something that was unfamiliar to him. I knew that the next time that I saw him, he wouldn’t recognize that part of me. It was my way of saying, whether you are in my life or not, I’ll still move on. You do not make my decisions for me, and there are parts of me that you will never know. I will grow and I will change, and it will be without you.

This came to mind because I’m currently going through this again and trying to decide what major change to make to myself. Maybe I’ll cut my hair again or maybe I’ll get another piercing or maybe I’ll do both. More updates to come.

late night thoughts

So after thinking long and hard about my love life and why it’s such a joke, I came to the conclusion that finding love in your twenties is just extremely difficult. I say this because your early twenties are a time when you’re really starting to grow as a person and figure out who you are. It’s a time for soul searching and getting to know yourself; you grow a lot. So when you bring another person into the picture, you either grow together or you grow apart. There isn’t really an in between.

daily dose of positivity

I know I just talked about this in another post recently, but I firmly believe that when you start to rid your life of all negativity and move on from things that have been holding you back, the universe will not only present you with better opportunities, but will also test you with things and people from your past.

Even though I am struggling a bit with moving on from a past lover, I am trying harder than I have thus far. I’m finally putting myself first. Because of this, I feel like the universe is rewarding me by bringing new and beautiful people into my life. However, it is testing me by bringing people from my past back into my life to see if I will fall back into my old ways. So far, I have stayed strong. I don’t just believe that this is just a coincidence that everyone is coming back, because it’s not just one person. It’s well over 10. People that I haven’t talked to in years are texting me within hours of each other. How could this just be a coincidence when it happens multiple times in a row? Anyways, like I was saying, since I haven’t been giving in, better opportunities have been coming my way; with work, with friends, with family, with everything. I’ve felt better about myself and my body than I have in years. Work is finally starting to get better, and I actually feel a lot more financially stable. Not only my actual job, but the jewelry making business that me and a close friend started is finally beginning to take off. My family issues seem to be settling down. I’ve met new guys who I see as having potential for being in my life long term. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than it has been. For that, I am thankful.

2 steps forward, 5 steps back

Tonight at work, I randomly smelled the same scent that I would smell when I would walk into your apartment. It was the strangest thing, considering you moved out in August and I’ve barely seen you since. I stood there for 3 or 4 minutes trying to pin point what it was made of before I lost it.

I’ve been doing so good lately with my attempts at getting over you. I’ve started to see other people. I’ve stopped reaching out to you first. I’ve tried to put you in the back of my mind and I’ve succeeded a few times. But this weekend has been especially hard. Maybe it’s just the time of year. This exact time last year was the first night that I ever spent with you. I knew right away that it was special. Different. Or maybe it’s because everyone went back home for break and I’m stuck here, alone, for work. It’s also the holiday season and “cuffing season” and now that it’s starting to get cold, I miss you more than I have since the summer. I’m imagining you taking someone else ice skating and to the tree lighting in Chicago and it makes me nauseous. The thought of you with someone else is almost physically painful. I know that I need to forget you. I just don’t want to.

Dear High School Me,

It’s one of those nights where I’m spending hours looking through my tagged photos on Facebook from high school instead of sleeping. It’s crazy to really look back and see how much has changed since then. Looking back through all of those pictures made me realize how much I wished I could go back and tell myself all of the things that I needed to hear at the time. If I had the chance, here’s what I would say.

The first thing that I would say is: hold on to these girls. Times will be tough and you will grow apart, but do not let them go. Time and time again they will prove to be the people who know you best. At the end of the day, they are the ones who are still going to know you better than anyone else even when you’re in college and you’ve barely been in contact for the past 2 years. They are the definition of what best friends should be. Love them with all of your heart and always always always appreciate them. They’ve stuck by you for everything. Don’t forget that.

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The second thing that I would tell my high school self is don’t lose sight of what’s really important. When I was young, I took my family for granted constantly. I thought that they would always be there and that at that time, spending time with my friends was more important because I suffered from serious FOMO. But I should have been worried more about my family. Fast forward 5 years later and my dad has passed away. Most of my relationships are strained, distant, or just not the same.

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Next, I would write her an entire novel about relationship advice. I came across this photo tonight on Facebook of me and my first serious boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in at least 3-4 years and only hear about bits and pieces of his current life every now and then through mutual friends.  Thinking back, I was truly happy with him for the first year or so of our relationship. Looking at the picture of us below, I think that that is pretty evident. He made me happy and he was the first guy that I ever had strong feelings for. But if I could go back now, I would tell myself to just enjoy my time with him. To not take our relationship to seriously and to let go of my insecurities. I would tell myself that no one is perfect and that I shouldn’t spend my time picking at him for things that he should fix. Rather, I would focus more on what I needed to work on. He did the best he could for me. And instead of asking for more, I should have appreciated it. Because relationships aren’t about grand gestures and everyone else thinking you’re “goals.” They’re about the feeling that you get when you get to see them after a long day at work. They’re about how nice it feels to spend days doing nothing with them and enjoying little things like taking drives in the summer with the windows rolled down. If I could talk to myself right after we broke up, I would tell myself to just let go. I am young. I have so much more life ahead of me and though it may feel like the end of the world now, I have so much more to learn before I can fully love someone. He was everything that I thought that I needed at the time, but he was not “it.” And neither were any of the other guys who I would fall for in the next 5 years. If one ends, don’t let it end you. There will always be other guys and that’s that. One day you will look at someone the way you’re looking at your ex boyfriend from high school in this picture, but it won’t be at your locker in between 3rd and 4th period. It will be every morning when you wake up next to him and your heart will be full and your worries will fade as you trace his lips with your fingertips. And I’m not talking about a husband, you might have 3 or 4 of these kinds guys in your life. Men come and  go and so do your feelings for them. But don’t let it rule you.

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Another thing that I would say to my high school self is to just enjoy the moment that you are living in. As awful and as pessimistic as it sounds, no matter how bad it seems, it will get so much worse. You’ll be 22 in college: completely on your own, living from paycheck to paycheck, you’ll lose family members that you thought you couldn’t live without, people will change in ways that you didn’t think possible, you’ll hate yourself at multiple points, and you’ll grow apart from life long friends. The high school drama and the fact that your mom won’t buy you the prom dress that you want will become laughable compared to the other dilemmas that you will face. But right now, you’re young and it’s okay to be carefree and make dumb mistakes. So do it as much as you possibly can while you still can.

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One last thing that I would tell my high school self is that you are a beautiful and intelligent young woman. You have so much more potential to grow and you will become stronger than you even think is possible. Don’t worry about what other people think. And for the last time, YOU ARE NOT FAT. You have a beautiful body and you will look back 5 years from now and laugh at how stupid you were to think that you looked so bad. I’d also tell myself to be easier on my mom, because she has it harder than I think. And not just to be easier on her, but to be easier on everyone who messes up. I’m not perfect, so don’t expect others to be. Just slow down and take a deep breath. Stop worrying about things that don’t matter and about things that you cannot change. Don’t take things for granted, but also don’t take them too seriously. Live in the moment, but if it’s not going how you want it to, remember that it won’t be this way forever. Enjoy the people and the places that make up your life today, because they might not be there or the same tomorrow. It’s okay to mess up so long as you learn from your mistakes. This is your life, so do what you want when you want. And always always always enjoy the little moments, because they are the ones that you will cherish most. 251318_10150632319365608_5033901_n

The more that I write, the more that I learn about myself

I mentioned in my last post that I rarely meet guys who interest me enough to pursue them and it got me thinking about why that is. I live in a college town of a Big 10 university and am surrounded by over 45,000 other students who are all around my age. I go out to the bars here a lot and hang out at multiple spots around campus, so I’m always surrounded by the opposite sex, it’s not like I just never leave the house and don’t meet anyone new. Not to sound annoying, but I am also young, attractive, and extremely independent so it’s not like guys just aren’t attracted to me either. I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, but I just don’t ever care enough to try and pursue it. I don’t know why exactly that is and I’ve never noticed it until recently. The more I examine my dating habits, I think I only put in any effort in with people that I feel connected to somehow. If a cute guy is trying to talk to me but I don’t feel an immediate connection with him, then I won’t even bother to finish the conversation. If it’s in person, I’ll make up an excuse to walk away or if it’s over text, I just won’t reply. It kind of sounds like a shitty thing to do, but if I don’t feel like talking to you, no matter who you are, then I just won’t. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. Even if it is someone that I feel connected to, if I don’t have anything to say at that moment, then I’m not going to force a conversation with you. I’ll talk to you another time or I’ll say something vague so they won’t feel the need to reply.

When I say that I only will go out of my way to talk to someone if I feel a connection with them, I don’t mean that I’ve been talking to the person for hours and I realize we have so much in common. It has to be instant. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve come across 3 or 4 guys in college that I had never met or even talked to before, but I just felt drawn to them. I felt like I had to go talk to them. And I did. I introduced myself to each one, and all of them have been significant figures in my love life throughout college. None of them really worked out romantically long-term, but for the most part I’m still friends with all of them. I just feel like everyone that I meet here is the same. No one is particularly interesting or of any real substance. And usually if someone does seem unique it’s all a show and they are in fact trying to purposely be different, it’s not like it comes naturally for them. All of the guys here look the same. Everyone is over privileged and aware of it and also rude about it. No one here has to work hard for what they have because they all have connections and are guaranteed spots in life that will lead them to be successful. No one wants anything real, they just want to party and see who can get more likes on Instagram pictures. Everybody just wants to hook up and keep it casual. None of these things are me. I love living here and going to college here, don’t get me wrong. But there are just very few people here that I relate to. It’s hard to try and build relationships on that.

Maybe that’s why I want to move to Chicago so bad. Because even though it is also a city filled with a lot of people like that, it is also a city filled with people who worked their way from the bottom to get where they are. It’s a city with people who didn’t grow up in a world where everything always seemed to go their way. With people who have had genuine life experiences that have shaped them as a person and made them become someone of substance. That’s what I crave  in another person. And it’s not something that I can find here.

 

all at once or not at all

I always hear people say things seem to happen all at once or not at all. I generalized the statement a bit and it’s not always said exactly like that, but I’m sure you get the point. I’ve found time and time again, that it’s so true though. If positive things start to happen in my life, it seems like they all happen at once. They’re never spread out, they are occur right in a row. And it’s the same with negative things. They happen all at once. Whether it be deaths, money issues, family issues, or all of the above.


My most recent encounter with this was with guys. Either I go for months of not talking to any of the guys that I’ve either had relationships with in the past & not meeting any new guys that I try to pursue or all of the guys from my past try to get in contact with me and I also meet someone(s) new. In the past week or so, it’s been the latter option. Past love interests who I haven’t talked to in months all seem to be trying to get back in touch with me at the same time. The guy that I’m trying to get over and that lives 4 hours away from me has been in contact with me more in the past two weeks than he has at any point in the past 5 months. I finally met someone new who interests me and who I actually want to get to know more. I went from not talking to any guys at all to suddenly having my phone blowing up with text messages and snapchats of guys trying to hang out. It’s just so weird to me that it always happens like this. It’s like the guys in my life have a radar and can tell when I’m finally doing better and beginning to move on and they decide that they are all going to try and hinder me from doing so at the exact same time. Maybe it’s just the universe testing me. Either way, it’s weird that it always seems to happen like this.