It’s been quite awhile since I’ve slept by myself. My most recent “bae” has been staying over pretty consistently all summer. But that’s all about to change.
We both just graduated and are moving 500 miles away from each other. The worst part of it all is that if we weren’t moving away from each other, then I know that we could have made it work. I have real feelings for him and I know that they are reciprocal; this is something that rarely happens with me because I have a bad habit of only going for men who are emotionally unavailable or playboys. We’re both going through so many changes right now, and I think a long distance relationship would only put more stress on our lives. It’s one of those right person, wrong time situations. Where the person is absolutely great, but the timing is awful and there are so many reasons why it can’t work right now. Knowing that and even accepting it still doesn’t make it any easier. If anything, I think that it makes it worse, because you know that if the timing was right then you could probably end up loving that person.
This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Last year I started seeing someone who was graduating a year before me and was moving in to a different time zone 6 months after we had met. I went in to it knowing that and still couldn’t help but fall for him. He is the guy, who up until recently, I talked about in my posts. We still keep in touch but not as much as we used to, and I finally moved on. Only it was to someone who I also cannot be with. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I can’t tell if I’m just a masochist who enjoys suffering in the fact of knowing that I can never make things work with someone that I care about or if I’m doing it to protect myself. Sometimes, I feel as though I subconsciously start to catch feelings for people who I know that I can’t make it work with, so that I don’t have to A) commit to a real relationship because all of my past ones have ended so horribly & B) so that I don’t have to risk being hurt if it does turn in to a real relationship.
The ironic part of all of this, is that if I am doing it to protect myself, I still end up getting hurt. The only difference is that I’m choosing the way that it ends. I start relationships with people who are leaving because I know that when they leave will be the end. Even if we still keep in touch, it won’t be the same because I refuse to do long distance. Whereas, if I started talking to someone who was in the same city as me for good, who knows what could happen. They could meet someone else, cheat on me, get bored of me.
***Side note: As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that this is probably the reason why I keep doing this to myself. This is why I love writing. Because it helps me talk out what I’m thinking when my thoughts are jumbled, take a step back and analyze what it is that I’m feeling or thinking.***
I need to overcome this insecurity that everyone I have feelings for is going to end up hurting me, or else I’m never going to be able to have a stable healthy relationship. The problem is, I don’t know how to do that. It’s so hard sometimes to let go of those negative thoughts. Anyways, more updates on this situation to come, but for now I’m headed to bed :).