The more that I write, the more that I learn about myself

I mentioned in my last post that I rarely meet guys who interest me enough to pursue them and it got me thinking about why that is. I live in a college town of a Big 10 university and am surrounded by over 45,000 other students who are all around my age. I go out to the bars here a lot and hang out at multiple spots around campus, so I’m always surrounded by the opposite sex, it’s not like I just never leave the house and don’t meet anyone new. Not to sound annoying, but I am also young, attractive, and extremely independent so it’s not like guys just aren’t attracted to me either. I get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, but I just don’t ever care enough to try and pursue it. I don’t know why exactly that is and I’ve never noticed it until recently. The more I examine my dating habits, I think I only put in any effort in with people that I feel connected to somehow. If a cute guy is trying to talk to me but I don’t feel an immediate connection with him, then I won’t even bother to finish the conversation. If it’s in person, I’ll make up an excuse to walk away or if it’s over text, I just won’t reply. It kind of sounds like a shitty thing to do, but if I don’t feel like talking to you, no matter who you are, then I just won’t. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. Even if it is someone that I feel connected to, if I don’t have anything to say at that moment, then I’m not going to force a conversation with you. I’ll talk to you another time or I’ll say something vague so they won’t feel the need to reply.

When I say that I only will go out of my way to talk to someone if I feel a connection with them, I don’t mean that I’ve been talking to the person for hours and I realize we have so much in common. It has to be instant. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve come across 3 or 4 guys in college that I had never met or even talked to before, but I just felt drawn to them. I felt like I had to go talk to them. And I did. I introduced myself to each one, and all of them have been significant figures in my love life throughout college. None of them really worked out romantically long-term, but for the most part I’m still friends with all of them. I just feel like everyone that I meet here is the same. No one is particularly interesting or of any real substance. And usually if someone does seem unique it’s all a show and they are in fact trying to purposely be different, it’s not like it comes naturally for them. All of the guys here look the same. Everyone is over privileged and aware of it and also rude about it. No one here has to work hard for what they have because they all have connections and are guaranteed spots in life that will lead them to be successful. No one wants anything real, they just want to party and see who can get more likes on Instagram pictures. Everybody just wants to hook up and keep it casual. None of these things are me. I love living here and going to college here, don’t get me wrong. But there are just very few people here that I relate to. It’s hard to try and build relationships on that.

Maybe that’s why I want to move to Chicago so bad. Because even though it is also a city filled with a lot of people like that, it is also a city filled with people who worked their way from the bottom to get where they are. It’s a city with people who didn’t grow up in a world where everything always seemed to go their way. With people who have had genuine life experiences that have shaped them as a person and made them become someone of substance. That’s what I crave  in another person. And it’s not something that I can find here.

 

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