For the first time in a very long time, I woke up today and felt at ease. I have been longing for some type of closure, and this weekend, I finally got it.
I live in a college town, so most people move back to their hometowns at the beginning of each summer and then come back before the fall semester starts. I stayed in my college town to work this summer, and it’s getting to be the time when everyone’s lease is up and they are coming back and moving into their new apartments. But this past weekend, the guy who I have been kind of seeing since December came back into town to move out of his apartment and to move back home for good. We stopped seeing each other consistently in June because the distance isn’t ideal for either of us right now. He still had an apartment here though and would come back from time to time. Now that he’s all moved out, we both know that it’s different this time than from any time that he’s left before. We’ve done our best to keep things casual over the past couple of months, but I’ve fell hard for him in the process. It doesn’t feel like I’ll never see him again, I just have no clue when the next time will be. I don’t know whether it will be in a month or a year. And for as much as I like him, I feel strangely okay with that. I’ve never felt this way about a person, and I could really see myself ending up with him later on in life. So my mindset is: why force it if it’s not the right time? If we try to make it work out now when both of us aren’t really ready, it’s not going to work and that will be it. But if we both take the time to grow a little more, maybe we will find our way back to each other. I know it’s a bit of a long shot, but I’d rather do it the right way than rush it and end up hating each other. We left things on good and open terms and it’s made me realize that not knowing what comes next can sometimes be the best thing. There’s no pressure to make it work and no fear that it will end.
Maybe I’m being my usual dramatic self when I say this, but I think that this is what loving maturely and realistically feels like. Knowing how deeply you care about someone, but having to let them go for the time being because you know it’s not the right time. Knowing that you have to keep living your life and that things will eventually work out if it’s meant to be.
I feel different. But I feel content.