It’s no secret that I haven’t exactly thrived in relationships and love thus far in my life. It’s not really much of a surprise either. I fall for guys with commitment issues who don’t give me the time of day and ignore guys who throw themselves at my feet.
But the thing is, I hadn’t notice this about myself until recently. Since I’ve noticed, I’ve been trying to work at it. I’m trying to ignore the guy that I care about because he so clearly doesn’t give a shit about me. But it’s so freaking hard all of the time. When I feel, I feel very passionately. So ignoring my own feelings and trying to make them disappear is so difficult.
I just keep telling myself that I all of this mishap and misfortune in my love life will make me stronger and make being in love so much better one day. But it feels like i’m lying to myself. I’m already a strong woman. I have already been through more in my life than a lot of people that are twice my age, and sure as hell more than almost every single person my age that I know. There is still some part of me that hopes part of this is somewhat true.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being single. I love not depending on another person or having to worry about another person when I make my own decisions. I love going out and meeting new, interesting guys. But sometimes, it would just be really nice to have someone that cares about me as much as I care about them. Someone that I could call at any point of day just to talk to about what I’m doing and someone to wake up to every morning. I love that idea. Because for me, that’s always what it has been. Just an idea.
I can’t wait for the day when I get to wake up next to the man that I love every morning in a bed that we call “ours.” I can’t wait to make coffee and breakfast together before we both have to go to work. I can’t wait to stay in with him on a Friday night and wake up with his arms around me at 2am to realize that I fell asleep while we were watching a stupid movie that the two of us decided on. I can’t wait to know exactly what makes him happy and all of the little quirks about him that makes him, him. I can’t wait to have a million little things that we laugh at with one another. I can’t wait to be listening to him tell me a story and to find myself starring at him in utter amazement because I’ve just realized how much that I really do love him. I can’t wait to be in love one day.
I know that sometimes I go a little overboard with the hopeless romantic role, but I can’t help it. I crave happiness and being in love and someone who loves me back as much as I love them. I’m just scared that for me, it will never happen.